


Becoming one

by STS0901



Series: The resurrection of the stag and the doe [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Anal Fingering, Angst and Drama, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Bottom Harry Potter, Bottom Severus Snape, Crashing Dumbleodore's Plans, Duelling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Sex, First Kiss, First Relationship, First Time, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, French Kissing, Getting to Know Each Other, Godric's Hollow, Good Severus Snape, Half-bloods (Harry Potter), Harry Potter is Bad at Feelings, Harry Potter is a hothead, Healing, Heavy Petting, Horcrux Hunting, Horcruxes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Friendship, Male Homosexuality, Male Slash, Mature Harry Potter, Misguided Albus Dumbledore, Occlumency (Harry Potter), Oral Sex, Romance, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, Self-Worth Issues, Self-help, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Severus Snape is Bad at Feelings, Severus Snape is a hothead, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Harry Potter, Top Severus Snape, Trust Issues, Virgin Harry Potter, Virgin Severus Snape, advanced potion-making, dealing with the past, sexual awakening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:42:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 79,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28512861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/STS0901/pseuds/STS0901
Summary: After a fateful encounter in the graveyard of Godric's Hollow, Harry Potter and Severus Snape decide to give each other a second chance. Soon, they realize that this is much easier said than done. Or, to put it in the words of our beloved Half-Blood Prince:Draught of the Half-Blood Blend- Two hotheaded Half-bloods- One desperate Pure-blood- One unbreakable vow- One dormitory full of teenage boys- One old wizard with only one master plan- Three occlumens- Optional infusions of self-made tea- Sufficient amounts of suppressed emotionsBlend everything. Do not stir hastily. Keep it stable for at least ten months. Attention, highly volatile! Never store in a cupboard. Be prepared. Always.Starts in the summer before Harry's sixth year. Compliant with the original storyline, but obviously, details and focus differ quite a lot.Harry and Snape go on an adventurous journey during which they slowly realize how much they have grown to care for each other and how interwoven their lives are.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Series: The resurrection of the stag and the doe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2088657
Comments: 86
Kudos: 268





	1. The stranger in the graveyard

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first fanfiction in a foreign language! 
> 
> I read all Harry Potter books several times during pandemic and finally summoned my courage to bring some fan-ideas of mine to paper, especially regarding "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince".  
> I hope you enjoy my alternate universe of Hogwarts and Harry Potter's roller coaster ride with a certain dark-haired Half-Blood Prince. I'm working on a sequel which will cover the events of the last book.
> 
> As mentioned above, English is not my native language. I hope I didn't make too many mistakes and that those I made won't adversely affect the reading flow. 
> 
> Trigger warning: Mentions of suicidal thoughts, violence, child abuse, neglect, torture and occasional swear words will appear through the storyline, as well as sexual content.
> 
> [Not purely focused on slash but their relationship how it lead to it. For those interested in the explicit slash scenes only, turn to chapter 14 and following. Titles of chapters are always an indication. However, be aware that slash scenes are interwoven with the storyline without you might not get all details and subtleties.]
> 
> I do not own Harry Potter and his universe.
> 
> Thank you in advance for every feedback, comment and kudo you leave! :)

Harry stumbled on the dark grey street in the middle of a village he had never seen before. “You don’t need me to find the place you couldn’t go to before.”, Dumbledore simply had said with one of his traitorous twinkles. Harry frowned in exasperation.

After everything that happened at the Ministry, after Sirius’ death and after the last-minute escape from Voldemort, he just couldn’t believe that Dumbledore had apparated him to this unknown village and disapparated before Harry could even try to make him stay.

He was still underage and even now that the Ministry actually believed him regarding Voldemort’s return, he wouldn’t dare to cross that particular line again.

A small chapel caught his sight at the end of the road and Harry decided that it was probably not too bad to go to a house that at least gave many muggles a hint of peace and love.

The chapel itself seemed lovely; tiny windows from another century showed several sceneries of the Holy Bible, such as the resurrection of Jesus Christ himself. A shiver ran down his spine as he suddenly remembered that he, too, had witnessed a resurrection. Although, their purposes couldn’t be more different. His fingers gently touched the wood of the old benches and Harry wondered how many people had come here to seek comfort, advice or insight before him.

All of a sudden, a tingle of magic woke his senses and he immediately pulled out his wand and started walking.

After five adventurous years at Hogwarts, especially the last one, he knew he should better not be following that trace, but something inside him couldn’t resist, as usual.

It was a warm summer night in early July and the sky still shone in a rich, dark blue that reminded him of the colour of a perfectly brewed Calming Draught as Hermione’s from potions last year. Wand still drawn; Harry entered the attached graveyard and moved carefully between the tombs and impressive stones and sculptures that dependants had chosen for their apparently beloved deceased.

In the corner of the graveyard, which seemed to be well taken care of in comparison to the one near Riddle Manor, he saw a person kneeling in front of a rather plain and dark white tombstone.

Slightly shaking; Harry moved towards the man who was almost silently sobbing and seemed not to acknowledge anything around him. His shoulders shook with each irregular intake of breath. Sitting on the small path that guided visitors through the endless labyrinth of loss and grief, arms thrown around his torso, head resting on top of his knees; Harry felt that the man looked like a lost child in unbearable pain or like someone who was entirely done with the world.

With slow and silent steps, he approached him from behind and discovered that the dark white tombstone was indeed entirely plain. Neither wishing to startle the grieving man nor to force him to reveal himself, Harry knelt down and put his hands on the stranger’s shoulder in such a gentle way that it couldn’t feel much different than a light breeze.

“Shhhh. I got you. You are not alone. It’s alright. I’d just like to make you feel less lost.”, he whispered, barely audible.

The stranger flinched, his rather thin and long body tensed immediately, but he didn’t turn around, jump or attack him.

Surprised; Harry let his hands rest and slowly started to draw tiny circles on the shoulders with his fingers, hoping the small caresses would spend a little comfort.

He then realized the woollen dark grey cap which covered most of the pitch-black hair in spite of the rather warm temperatures. The stranger continued sobbing for a couple of minutes until he buried his face in his hands, throwing his hair back which reached down to his shoulders.

“Who the hell are you?”, he whispered all of a sudden, his voice shaky, raw and barely human.

“I’m me. Just me.”, Harry answered and began rubbing the man’s entire back gently. The moment he realized how stupid he must have sounded, the stranger snorted in sheer disdain.

“You’re just you. Brilliant. And, pray tell, how do I know if you are to trust?” The whispered voice dripped from displeasure and distrust, almost as if that person never had received real comfort at all.

Harry forced himself to think for a second. “Well, if I were not to trust, I could have easily mocked you, startled you, laughed at you, attacked you, robbed you… whatever negative thing you can image. I think I could have even killed you since you were so spaced out and didn’t hear me coming at all. But I didn’t, because I don’t want to, never intended to and never will. I’m no such person. And to be honest, I’ve been in quite a similar state lately and wished for someone just to be there. Don’t wish for anyone else to feel like this.”

The man snorted again. “Bold of you to assume that what you wished for would automatically be everybody else’s wish in a situation like this. However, you may stay. And since you’ve seen me sobbing like a child, tell me: Who did you lose?”, he asked and seemed to have calmed down a bit.

The stranger was clearly not a pleasant man, but now that Harry got him to talk, he should as well see through it.

“Godfather.”, he mumbled, still not talking in his normal voice. “Recently. There have been more losses before.” No snort or scoff erupted this time.

“My condolences.”, the stranger said instead. “It’s good to see that you obviously feel better, now that go out and look for strangers to help.”

Harry smiled at the latest hint that his behaviour may not have been that well thought out. Hermione would be furious with him.

“Guess I am some sort of a helter-skelter guy.”, he whispered and a thought crossed his mind. “Yeah, that’s what most of my professors would definitely say.”

The man wiped his face and stopped crying for the first time. “A child or adolescent, I see. Well, you seem to be a handful indeed. I’m a professor, too and I can tell already. Never wanted to be, though. No, seriously: Strutting around graveyards this late, boy; you do realize that not every stranger on the street is crying like a freaking child and won’t mean no harm?” He sounded both upset and worried.

“How can one be forced into teaching?”, Harry asked confused and decided not to answer the harsh and provoking question.

This was not about him, he decided and luckily, the stranger still seemed too disturbed to see through this manoeuvre, especially given the fact that he was an educator himself.

“Made some mistakes from my very beginning on, came to my senses and when my former headmaster heard of my situation, he insisted on a 2nd chance as he didn’t want me to waste my talent for experimental chemistry.” His voice sounded utterly lifeless and drained.

“Do the people buried here have something to do with your mistakes?”, Harry asked carefully and knew he shouldn't feel that surprised about the new tension which built up almost immediately.

“For someone who just wants to be there, you are insufferably nosey. And slow on the uptake as well. The look of the tombstone itself should tell you that I am not mourning recently deceased people of mine.”, the man hissed and his voice got clearer.

It was deep, a baritone at least, somehow familiar, but Harry shoved this thought aside. He needed to focus on this situation now.

“Sorry. I’m not good at such things and often can’t help myself. Didn’t mean to offend you. Is there anything I can do for you? I don’t want you feel grief and remorse all alone and knowing that you will return to a job you do not even like doesn’t improve the situation.”, he whispered in response and boldly pulled the stranger into his arms, back close to his chest.

The man didn’t protest but exhaled and leaned back instead. His hands were still covering his face. Harry wondered if he was ashamed of crying in front of him, who successfully revealed himself as a student, hence someone minor, or if he was generally ashamed of his breakdown.

Just when he was scolding himself silently for being self-centred again, the baritone rose anew: “I guess I owe you an apology, too. I’m rubbish at socializing and got a quick temper on top.”

Once Harry’s quiet chuckle faded away, the both of them sat in a strange comfortable silence until the sky was as dark as everything else around them. Harry had no clue what time it was and if the Weasley’s were already wondering about his whereabouts.

For the first time in a long while, he was truly happy just to be around someone who didn’t know him and therefore would never judge him by his past or the contemporary bullshit the Daily Prophet had come up with.

Plus, trying to help that man made him feel better and less empty. He discovered an entirely new kind of strength inside him. Since he never had friends when he was little and everybody always made a fuss about him at Hogwarts, he couldn’t remember ever being in a similar position.

“I think you are just doing fine.”, Harry said softly and hugged the man a little tighter. To his astonishment, the man leaned further in.

“Never been hugged like this before.”, he admitted as though he felt a bit ashamed of this own revelation, but Harry smiled fondly.

“I call it a “mum-hug”. Never knew what it felt like until my best friend's mother pulled me into one after the death of a fellow student. Never felt this safe and sound although everything around was kind of falling apart.”

“How come your own mother never hugged you?”, the stranger asked, curiosity clearly audible in his whisper.

“Mum died when I was still a toddler and my aunt, well, let’s just say that she’s not too fond of me. You?”

“Unwanted child.”, he explained in a tone which absolutely declined further questions.

Harry started rocking the two of them and after a while, the tombstone caught his view again. “Is it their death anniversary today or something like that?”, he asked and pointed with one hand to the tomb. The man shook his head vehemently.

“No… it’s just… yet again, something horrible and incomprehensible was asked of me today. I will, like always, achieve that goal, but its price makes me want to d-“

“Why is it that I cannot see who is buried here?”, Harry interrupted cautiously, not ready to listen to some suicidal wishes.

“The epigraphs are concealed. Not everybody meant well for those two and even after all these years, one cannot be careful enough. They were killed, before the urge to ask kills you in a few seconds.”, the stranger explained and his tone shifted from sadness to sarcasm in the shortest amount of time.

He let out a long and sad sigh as if he had felt Harry’s curiosity tensing his body up. “My life is strongly intervened with these two people, even though I still despise him and she, well… she ended our friendship after I royally mucked it up.”, he continued, but his words reached Harry muffled and from far away.

Concealed epigraphs, but the tombstone didn’t look at all as if something was concealed with muggle material.

Plus, the relationship between the two deceased and the stranger sounded awfully familiar. As did the long black hair and the baritone voice. The tingle of magic earlier this evening. Harry felt his blood freeze.

“Excuse me, Sir, but what is the school called you are working at?”, he blurted out.

The atmosphere changed instantly. It seemed like he was not the only one who had a brainwave. The man leaned a little forward and freed his face from his hands.

“From helter-skelter to topic-shifter. Not very brave, Mr Just-me. It’s a boarding school in Scotland, not well known in this area.”, he scoffed. This wasn’t going well at all, but Harry had to try.

“The name of the school, Sir. It is not called Hogwarts, is it?”

Not even a millisecond later, Harry found himself pressed against the hard ground, the stranger grabbing his collar, fixating him with his own body and holding a wand against his neck.

Harry didn’t dare to breathe, nor did he. It was a true blessing that they had both met on this graveyard at night, so either could hide their own shocked expression for the first few seconds.

Suddenly, the faint moonlight revealed enough of the stranger for Harry to definitely identify him.

“Professor Snape?”, he squeaked and sounded at least like a four-years-old child.

“Potter! Have you completely lost your mind?”, Snape barked, even though his voice leaked the usual hatred and venom.

“Professor Dumbledore brought me here and left. Said something about going to a place I couldn’t go to before. Sir, I’m sorry. Where are we?”, he talked and prayed that Snape would calm down at the mention of Dumbledore.

Neither Merlin nor any muggle god must have heard him as Snape violently dragged him off the ground and forced him to look closely at the tombstone. If possible, his world turned even more upside down.

“Mum… Dad…”, he winced and felt tears burning in his eyes. The tombstone itself was beautiful, the font both elegant and clear. Lily Evans had been older than James Potter, Harry discovered, and he snorted absently at all the mentions from the Order and friends which had already indicated that she had been far ahead her age, while James needed to grow up quite a lot.

“We are in Godric’s Hollow, Potter, in case you still don’t get it.”, Snape sneered and refused to let go of him.

“Did you listen to me? I told you that my aunt is not fond of me. I didn’t even know what my parents looked like until I saw them in the blasted Mirror of Erised!”, Harry shot back and couldn’t help but feel anger building up inside him.

“Brilliant, Albus.”, Snape muttered under his breath and suddenly stared into Harry’s emerald green eyes.

“You really do have your mother’s eyes, Potter. Such a pity that your brain is all your father’s. Actually, I think it’s even less filled or did you manage to break another law and became an Animagus last year?” Harry was too taken aback to retort anything immediately.

Snape had picked on him ever since they met and throughout the years, Harry had found ways to pay him back, at least a little. By now, their mutual hatred was legendary at Hogwarts.

However, it was an entire new low for the both of them that Snape had actually managed to insult Harry with his father’s achievements and in front of his very own grave on top.

“Really, Sir?”, Harry retaliated coolly and decided not to yell at his professor in a place like this. He knew better. He was better than the hateful professor. Snape must have had a similar thought as he decided not to continue his rant.

Both men stood a little helpless in front of the tombstone, the pair of black and green eyes equally looking at the small quote on its bottom: The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.

“Another difficult year lies ahead of us, Potter.”, Snape suddenly stated without withdrawing his gaze from the grave.

“I wish I could say that I am getting used to it.”, Harry answered, clearly surprised that Snape had calmed down so quickly after their personal, almost intimate conversation on the cool ground.

He remembered too well the ignorance, hatred and spite for weeks after Harry had deliberately violated his privacy during the worst of their occlumency lessons. If Snape had killed him a few seconds ago, his ghost wouldn’t have been surprised at all.

“Believe me, you wish not to. This is not a linear development, Potter, and we must be prepared for all kind of madness that may not even exist to this day. I apologize that you have seen my state of sheer uselessness previously.” Harry dared to look at Snape, only to find a hint of self-hatred and regret written all over the stone-mask he called a face.

“Don’t, Sir. Please don’t. You were anything but useless.”, Harry pleaded and Snape stared at him in disbelief. “Let me explain before you yell at me for disrespect like we were at school.”, he continued as long as he had the chance.

“I am honoured that you opened up earlier and I know that you would have never done so if you knew it was me. I can’t help but feel grateful for your accidental trust, honestly. You know I cannot lie and you should know by now that I won’t tell a soul of what we discussed earlier. I swear if you want me to. And I don’t think it was useless, because you seem to do better and I do as well. So, thank you.”

Snape suddenly grabbed his hand and pulled him close. Harry, too surprised to make a move of his own, basically fell into his arms like a petrified person.

The dark summer cloak smelled of fresh herbs, old parchment and cold earth, with an incomparable scent of musk, most likely Snape in his very own flesh. He loved it and inhaled the intoxicating scent for a while.

“If you are done sniffing like a dog…”, Snape grumbled until realization kicked in and his puffy and red edged eyes widened. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to refer... ahem…”

“It’s alright. He’s dead. Dumbledore told me you told Sirius to stay at Grimmauld Place. I ranted about you nevertheless. Wish I hadn’t been that stupid.”, Harry admitted and rolled his eyes at the uncalled snort from Snape.

“I lost count on how often I said the same about you.”, was all he said.

“I’m not surprised.”, Harry agreed cheekily and caused Snape to hiss in annoyance.

“If you are done pitying yourself and your foolish recklessness, Potter, there is a war coming and we would do well to prepare ourselves.”

Snape was definitely doing better, Harry mused and watched as his most dreaded professor wiped his reddish eyes and cast a cleansing charm as well as some glamour spells on his face.

“What are you doing, Sir?”, he asked in surprise.

“I’ll have a word with the person who dropped you here. What else?”, he scoffed.

“Dumbledore?”

“Headmaster or Professor Dumbledore, Potter. At least try to mind your manners!”, Snape barked and finally seemed to have found his usual temper again.

“Sorry. Did he give you the task which troubles you so much?” Snape froze and Harry regretted immediately to have opened his mouth. Hands clenched into fists; it looked like Snape needed some in- and exhales in order not to lose his own manners on a graveyard.

“My tasks in this operation are mine, Potter. This discussion ends now. Besides, you promised to shut your mouth, remember? I suggest you start now by not asking questions.”

Harry nodded and stared at his old sneakers which once belonged to his deranged cousin.

“I don’t know how to get back. I don’t even know where Godric’s Hollow is located in Britain.”, he said timidly, clearly afraid of Snape’s reaction, who just rolled his eyes.

“The Burrow it is, I presume?”, he asked and held his arm out for Harry to take it.

Like a couple, they walked in silence away from his parents’ grave and Harry couldn’t help but notice that this was the very first time they had been more or less civil with each other, be it because of or in spite of their earlier conversation.

“Quite surprising, don’t you think?”, Snape commented on the unspoken thought with a smirk and pulled Harry a little closer as if he didn’t trust him. In fact, he most likely didn’t trust him at all.

“Would you please stop entering my mind?”, Harry retorted in annoyance. Occlumency had been so bad that Harry felt his temper rise from deep within.

“I didn’t need to enter your mind to know what you were thinking, Mr Obvious.”, Snape explained lazily and looked like he enjoyed himself.

“It’s written all over your face. However, I cannot stop telling you that you should at least try to shield your mind. Even if the headmaster believes that he won’t try to possess you again.”, he insisted and flinched at Harry’s grin which appeared out of nowhere.

“Will you teach me again, Sir? Please? I think we deserve a second try after today. I never told you, but I still am very sorry for what I have done.”, Harry dared and Snape halted.

“The wolf told me. Anyway, I did not expect you to ask and I know for sure that my time is even more limited this year.”, he said slowly.

Harry shrugged and tried to look as decent and honest as possible while doing so. “Oh, no problem, Sir. Professor Dumbledore has arranged private lessons with him for me. Maybe he’s already planning to include occlumency.”, he said lightly and was entirely taken off-guard when Snape grabbed both of his shoulders and forced him to stare right in his glamoured yet angry face.

After a couple of minutes, he suddenly let go as if coming to his senses again and they finally passed the little chapel and stood on the empty street.

“That changes almost everything, Potter.”, he explained matter-of-factly. “We will resume our lessons, although less frequently, and you won’t speak to anyone about anything you saw or heard tonight. Understood? No one can know.”

Harry nodded with serenity and Snape surely didn’t need to point out that the consequences of the slightest disobedience would be beyond his imagination.

“We must leave now.”, he commanded and kept looking out, behaving almost as paranoid as Moody himself.

“Promise to stay out of trouble until we meet in class and then try your best to get a detention from me. Do not approach me before. Do not talk about Hogwarts and magic so irresponsibly again as you did earlier. Do not think you could ever do this all by your own, no matter how much the chosen one you are or not. Do stay close to your friends. And no more rescue missions.”, he hissed sharply and disapparated them with a loud crack.


	2. Trial and Error

Harry knocked on the wooden door that directly led into Snape’s office. To be honest, he was quite surprised that he didn’t earn detention for the rest of the week after the train incident and his stunt which, in retrospective, may have been a little exaggerated for the cause.

“Enter.”, he heard Snape’s silky voice, distant as usual, and turned the well-used bronze knob. With visible uncertainty and shyness, he approached his professor who stood with his back to the entrance, not even turning around or flinching when the door was rather slammed back into its frame.

Harry silently stood next to Snape whose mimics and posture were as stiff and inhuman as ever. There was not even a hint of the man, the human being he had met in the graveyard.

“My compliments, Potter.”, Snape said, barely raising his voice. “I was curious as to how you would earn your detention. _'There is no need to call me Sir.'_ was most certainly not on the list.”

A quiet chuckle slipped Harry’s throat and he was surprised that Snape, too, seemed to hold back a smile on his thin and pale lips.

“Guess my temper may come in handy at times. Thanks for the compliment, must’ve been the first you ever uttered to me.”, he shrugged and looked at the tall man with a questioning gaze.

“Wonders never cease. Do you recall why we agreed on this meeting?”, Snape asked suddenly all brusquely.

“It was about a re-start of my occlumency lessons. And it’s about whether we can trust each other or not, I suppose.”, Harry replied and tried his best to sound mature and earnest.

He felt Snape shifting beside him and knew that the potions master was looking at him as if he were to inspect some freshly delivered ingredients.

“One could say so. Though I wonder why you don’t look at me while talking about trust.” Harry flinched a little and dared to raise his head. His emerald green eyes met the black and he suddenly felt even more exposed than usual.

Snape’s gaze lingered on his eyes first, then shifted to his lightning bolt scar, his messy black hair and the tiny frame for a boy of sixteen years. “You really want to try.”, he realized and gave a court nod.

“Let's begin, shall we? How about you start with the story of what the hell happened to you on the school train?” Harry gulped.

He didn’t expect Snape to come back to this particular evening when the professor was all his mean self and let Gryffindor house slip into the red before the sorting ceremony was even finished.

Forcing himself to keep up his posture, he told Snape everything he overheard and witnessed on the train.

Snape did neither move nor interrupt. He just stood there, silently watching Harry with a threatening mixture of vigilance and irritation.

Once Haar y had finished, Snape closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his overlarge nose and sighed audibly, which was a rather confusing noise from a man with such a composure.

“It seems, Potter, that you just managed to stick your nose into businesses of which you should never even have heard of. Again. I’ll make it clear for you at the beginning of this school year: Mr Malfoy, his friends and all the things he bragged about are none of your business. You will learn to occlude your mind; you will go to those extra lessons with the headmaster and you will behave and prepare yourself to the best of your unfortunately mediocre abilities.”

Harry hissed in annoyance. “That was uncalled for! I didn’t even say that I was going to find out what Malfoy is up to and what sick task either Voldemort or his blasted family have been giving him.”

Snape's flinch turned into an evil smirk within a second. “You didn’t need to. Which leads us to the reason of this-“

“Hold on, Sir. Please.”, Harry interrupted and took the raised eyebrow and warning look with sheer bravery. “Wouldn’t it be fair if you told me something about you or what you’ve been doing or seeing lately? I mean, if this is about trust, I daresay we will need to work on it from both ends.”

Snape was completely taken aback. It was obvious that it never had occurred to his mind that Harry James Potter would have it in himself to bargain like this.

Worse for him, Harry knew that he, smart-ass brat extraordinaire, had a point. If things should get better than last year, and they desperately needed to, Snape would have to open up, too.

At the sight of the man's amused grin, Harry’s glance changed from confident to shy, almost submissive.

“Point taken, Potter. Again. For the time being, let me tell you that I will keep an eye on Mr Malfoy and his sidekicks. He is quite troubled since his father’s arrest and as you know for sure, the temper of a sixteen years old boy does not blend well with traumatic experiences.”, Snape drawled.

Harry clenched his jaw and felt his temper snap. “First;", he seethed. "His damn father tried to kill us. Second, he is still alive and mentally sane as the dementors have fled Azkaban. Sorry, let’s say he's as sane as a true death eater can be. If you remember, Neville’s, Susan’s and many other parents did not have that luxury. Third, Malfoy is one of the foulest people wandering this planet. I daresay the whole family is worse than the Dursley’s. So, forgive me if I do not feel pity for him, surely not for having his father arrested for attempted murder, thievery and serving Lord fucking Voldemort.”

“WILL YOU STOP SAYING HIS NAME?”, Snape screamed at him and his face turned into a white grimace similar to the one he had after pulling Harry out of the pensieve.

His hand clutched around his left forearm where the Dark Mark was hidden under what appeared to be layers of clothes. Harry shrieked and pulled slightly away.

“Sorry, didn’t think.”, he mumbled in apology. It still frightened him when Snape decided to actually scream or shout. “I know.”, Snape hissed and re-straightened his posture.

“Actually, you didn’t think at all. Mr Malfoy isn’t out of line because his father has to spend some time in a dementor-free Azkaban, but as I said before, he is my responsibility.”

“Would you mind explaining more for that I understand better?”, Harry asked quietly and tried to sound as polite as possible.

“Yes, I do mind.”, Snape said much calmer now, too.

“I am afraid that we will have to work on occlumency first. Neither you nor me can have the headmaster know about anything but the occlumency training. Not to mention your arch enemy. I am not in the position to explain this, Potter, so please spare me your questions.” His explanation almost sounded like a plea in the end.

“You mean as long as I cannot master occlumency, you won’t be able to tell me anything because my open mind is too much of a risk for both our side and the monster’s?”, Harry summarized.

Snape nodded, if clearly annoyed, and gestured him towards a large cupboard in the darkest corner of his office.

“Get inside, Potter. Wand away. We will approach the topic differently this time. I want you to close your eyes and think of your strongest feeling of freedom, power and peace altogether. Are you capable of doing so?”

Harry felt uncomfortable in the empty cupboard and Snape breathing down his neck right behind him was not much of a reassurance either.

Eyes closed, lips pressed together, fists clenched; he desperately tried to think of a moment when he had felt like what Snape had explained.

He really tried, now that Snape was actually giving him instructions, but no matter how hard he focused, he couldn’t hold on to any thought at all.

After a couple of minutes, sweat was pouring off his forehead and he heard Snape whispering reassuring phrases into his right ear which only left him with goosebumps on top.

“Is there another room, Sir?”, Harry pleaded and struggled to control the shivers which shook his whole body.

“Care to explain what is wrong with this one? It provides absolutely zero distraction and thus is simply perfect for your task.”, Snape answered through gritted teeth.

“Cupboard. Dark. Stairs. Dursley’s. Help.”, Harry just stuttered and started to sway. Luckily, Snape didn’t hesitate for a second and pulled him out of the ever-so-useful cupboard. Harry knees gave in and his backside met the cold stone floor.

“Potter, breathe. Steady. In and out. In and out. That’s it. Calmly. Breathe in and out, together with me now. You can do this.”, Snape said, even if he didn’t know where he had learned those words or if he just had heard them too often in the hospital wing when Madame Pomfrey tried to calm down hyperventilating students right before exams were due.

Somehow, Harry slowly calmed down but remained seated on the floor with a rather apathic demeanour. Snape obviously had no clue what to do with him, but calling Dumbledore was not an option after their latest revelations. Calling his friends would not be helping either.

No, Snape and he would have to look after themselves. With a resigning sigh, Snape got down on the floor, too, and tried to make conversation. He looked clearly uncomfortable.

“Potter, listen.”, he began. “I am sorry what happened to you. I didn’t mean for you to panic. I just thought it might help you as it helps me. Why didn’t you say anything about that trigger?” Harry shrugged and kept staring at the floor.

“Didn’t know this would happen either. Never happened before. Actually, I am quite used to places like this, but the harder I tried to think of what you said, the more memories of the exact contrary popped up. I was basically pulled away from my task even though I wanted to stay.” His voice cracked at the end of his sentence and he saw Snape tensing. This was not going well at all.

“I have never experienced anything similar before or even heard of such happenings which means we’ll have to figure this out. What memories did you relive?”, he asked warily. Harry paled and fidgeted nervously with his hands. “That would be another revelation for tonight.”, he whispered flatly.

“Don’t push my borders. I am trying to help and swear not to mock you for whatever it is – just in case you are worried about my reaction.”, Snape answered softly and gave him an encouraging look.

“I lived in a cupboard like this for almost ten years. When my first Hogwarts letter arrived, I got to move into Dudley’s second bedroom. The Dursley’s were afraid of being watched and you know, what the neighbours could think.” Harry stated this horrendous fact like an information he read about in a school book.

“Excuse me?”, Snape said baffled.

“Well, it was the fourth and smallest bedroom in the house, barely big enough to store all his old and broken toys in it. Hence the second bedroom.”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Potter, you know very well that I don’t care about a blasted first, second or third bedroom at your home.”, he grumbled angrily and shut his mouth as soon as he saw Harry flinch and duck as if he expected a slap.

“Sorry, Sir. I shouldn’t have started this. Will we try again?”, he asked in a terribly joyful way that betrayed himself even more.

“We are still trying, Potter, and do sit down at once.”, Snape barked and struggled to contain his boiling anger.

“Describe this cupboard of yours to me, please.” Harry looked at Snape in astonishment. Never had he addressed him with the simple word “please” before.

“It was under the stairs, a little smaller than yours. But I was smaller, too, back then. There were little spiders everywhere, but this wasn’t too bad because otherwise, Ron and I could have never managed to talk to Aragog in the forest in second year. And there were cleaning agents. I don’t want to whine and sound like a baby, but every time when we brew…”

“…the vapours attack your airways and make it hard for you to breathe or concentrate.”, Snape finished and ignored the bang of shame that exploded in his chest.

His cheeks flushed and Harry wondered if he finally understood that his upbringing had not been all kisses and hugs at all. He should have known since their first occlumency training, but Snape seemed to be as stubborn and thick-headed as Ron or he were.

Harry hadn’t expected Snape to take immediate action after seeing the memories, though. With the Order escorting him and threatening the Dursley’s at King’s Cross, the issue had been dealt with anyway.

Besides, Snape didn’t strike him as a compassionate and sane person, rather like someone who had experienced enough miserable situations from early on, leaving him bitter and spiteful.

Snape’s gaze lingered on him and Harry couldn’t help but detect some small and apparently hidden emotions behind those glistening black eyes.

“Professor McGonagall still is furious that you were placed with your aunt and uncle. Thought you might want to know. She wanted you to be with the Weasley’s and right now, I must admit that this would have been a better idea.”, he confessed, cheeks further blushing.

“On the other hand, you are a Potter and you have inherited many traits from your beloved father. Therefore, I shouldn’t be too surprised that made your way through life thus far and have experienced worse than this tiny little panic attack."

The blush vanished within a second and his face turn into the blankest mask Harry had ever seen on Snape.

"Then again, your upbringing and actions during your school years have proven that you may also have inherited something from your mother, apart from those eyes.”

Harry felt Snape mustering him intensely, analysing every little muscle twitch in his face and upper body. Harry couldn't tell for sure if Snape just had tried to tell him that he started to see the real Harry Potter.

“Ahem, Sir?”, he croaked and suddenly blushed at the realization that Snape had stared at him for ages.

“Do you mind if I ask you some simple yes or no questions, Potter?”, Snape asked with interest.

Harry stared back at him with his emerald green eyes and didn’t care whether they reflected a mixture of curiosity and fear or not.

This was about trust, he reminded himself. Lost in thoughts, he shifted a little, scratched himself behind his ear and ruffled his mess of black hair.

“If I have the opportunity to forego a question I don’t like, you may start. – Wait, would you mind casting a heating charm on us beforehand? It’s getting cold and I'm rubbsih at those.”, he finally said.

Snape sprang to his feet and held out a hand to a clearly startled Harry, before shoving him through a blank wall that just worked like platform 9 ¾.

Harry couldn’t believe that the actual hateful and stoic man had let him into his private quarters.

He was ordered to sit on the cosy dark green couch in front of a huge fireplace and instantly felt better. Snape let himself sink into a well-used armchair on the opposite.

“Were you locked in that cupboard?”  
“Yes.”  
“Did that happen often?”  
“Yes.”  
“Especially when you performed accidental magic?”  
“Yes.”  
“Were you excluded from family activities or from family life in general?”  
“Yes… both.”  
“Did they ever lay a hand on you?”  
“Urgh… no?”  
“Don’t lie, Potter.”  
“Frying pan and stirring spoon.”  
“Were you told not to ask questions?”  
“Yes.”  
“Did you have to take care of the household, let’s say in a different matter than Molly Weasley makes her children assist her?”  
“Yes.”  
“You basically had to do the lion’s share, am I correct?”  
“Yes.”  
“Did your cousin receive the same treatment?”  
“No.”  
“Was he treated better than you?”  
“Second bedroom, Sir.”  
“Yes or no, Potter!”  
“Yes.”  
“Did you ever tell anybody about the injustices?”  
“Yes.”  
“Did it make things worse?”  
“Hell, yes.”  
“Potter!”  
“Sorry. Yes. Sir, would you mind if we stopped?”

Tears were streaming down Harry’s face and he put off his glasses and started rubbing his eyes.

“Take your time.”, Snape said coldly and his expression did not reveal if the latest information had an impact on him at all.

There was no chance for Harry to know that on his inside, Snape was a mere inch away from apparating to Surrey and hex the living hell out of Petunia and her obese excuse of a husband.

Neither could he know that Snape shared the rather traditional opinion that a child should not be too coddled and learn from early on that actions lead to consequences.

However, neglect and abuse were punishable for a reason and he had to deal more often than not with Slytherin parents who thought differently.

Snape continued looking at the sobbing Harry who felt the stares but didn’t mind. If this would help their situation and possibly show alternate ways of dealing with the mayhem that he seemed to be drawn to like a moth to a candle, he was fine with it.

Besides, he had seen Snape sobbing far worse and longer. For the second time in Snape’s presence, he felt that opening up had a healing effect on him.

With a flick of a wand, a handkerchief appeared out of thin air next to him and he grabbed it with gratitude.

“For our next lesson, I want you to write down every situation, every memory that makes you feel like in the cupboard and, on the contrary, every situation that makes you feel alive, whole even and which fills you with energy, happiness and power. Next, I want to relax on your bed every evening and let your thoughts wander to those happy memories. Nothing else. Just think of things and people that make you feel good. Can you do that for me, or better for yourself?”, Snape finally said and stood up to obviously put an end to this special detention. Harry followed him nodding.

“If you recall your short venture into my pensieve, you will remember that I did not have the nicest childhood either. However, a dear friend of mine gave me the same tasks I just assigned you with. Lucky for me, I was not chosen to face a madman, but maybe they’ll help you nevertheless.”

Both of them stood awkwardly in front of the office door. It was way past curfew and Harry knew he should not be seen in the dungeons at this time. Still, something inside him didn’t want to leave.

“Sir? Why do you care now?”, he asked timidly. If he needed to leave, he could as well ask for the truth and why Snape really wanted to act on that fragile connection. Snape took some moments to think of an appropriate answer.

“Until that unexpected meeting, I’ve made things easier for me and didn’t care or know how much it must have worsened your situation. It was easy to see nothing but your father. I won’t say sorry for that, believe me. You do rile me up on a regular basis. But I admit that there is the possibility of me having misjudged some parts of your life and character. That's it. Now, off with you.”, he concluded, looking like he had bitten into a lemon.

Reluctantly, Harry stepped out into the corridor when he was called once more. “Do try to sleep, Potter, and focus on your tasks. Anything else is secondary. Good night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! :) 
> 
> I tried to improve the layout and hope it's more legible now. If not, please leave me a note. I'm still settling with posting on this platform. 
> 
> Titel of chapter 3: Of potions, prophecies and practices


	3. Of potions, prophecies and practices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Snape meet again for their first occlumency training. Before practice begins, events from the past and presence force them to talk and slowly getting to know each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is important for the future relationship between Harry and Snape.  
> I hope you enjoy it :)

Harry fumed while running down the stairs to Snape’s office, who unfortunately had not given up on his infamous chamber in the dungeons.

On second thought, he couldn’t blame him. After Quirrel, Lockhart, Lupin, fake-Moody and Umbridge, none of whom Snape had shared a friendly relationship with, he would have stayed in his old office and take the longer distances to the DADA classroom, too.

“Enter.”, he heard Snape’s silky voice right behind him and realized only then that his professor must have followed him at least for the last two minutes from the entrance hall to the dim corridor.

A bony and sallow hand opened the door with a small wave. Snape wordlessly walked past Harry to his desk and hinted at the chair in front of it.

“How’s it going, Mr Hothead?”, he asked outright and a dark glimmer in his eyes made Harry feel exposed and weak.

“You already know, Sir, if you call me names like that. I thought you didn’t like repetitions?” Harry tried to get himself out of this unfavourable situation and didn’t care if he would be reprimanded for this particular cheeky attempt.

To be frank, everything was going on and most of it made him want to pull out his hair.

He wondered if Snape was aware of the Half-Blood Prince’s book and his latest success in potions, but he would mention this topic under no circumstance at all. U

nsurprisingly, his lessons with Dumbledore happened to be both confusing and interesting, even intoxicating at times. Harry felt a certain addiction to the stories about Voldemort's past and his impression that Dumbledore seemed to know way more that he had revealed so far only increased his interest.

The attack on Katie Bell had been a shook to everyone and Harry felt that it was expected of him to talk about it.

Besides classes, attacks and Quidditch, Ron and Hermione were acting annoyingly strange towards each other, as did Ginny with her lingering interest in dating and snogging all around him, but he doubted that Snape was interested in the everyday life of adolescent Gryffindors.

In the end, he chose to talk about his lessons with Dumbledore and the attack on Katie Bell before Snape’s little patience was at an end.

He made sure to carefully avoid his accusations towards Malfoy, because even if he had promised not to investigate in the blond Slytherin’s business, his gut feeling was alerted all day and night, making it almost impossible to remain calm and focused.

Neither did he mention his doubts about Snape helping Katie, which he had uttered out of habit and the instability of their new found relation. Unfortunately, the promise of not interfering with Malfoy's business had only increased the burning need to find out what the gut was really up to.

In the end, it had been for his achievements of Snape's tasks that Harry had decided to allow himself some inofficial investigations as reward.

Snape listened attentively without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Once Harry ended his babbled summary of the most recent events, he got up his chair and strode through his office as if he needed literal space to digest the amount of information.

“Very well, Potter.”, he said at one point and stood again right behind him. “I remember telling you that we would be facing another difficult year and yet you sound so utterly surprised and emotional.”

“You’re not surprised, Sir?”, Harry asked.

“Not at all, Potter. I am merely disappointed.", he drawled, still standing behind him.

"Why did you leave out your accusation towards Draco Malfoy; why didn't you tell me that you openly mistrusted me in front of the headmaster - not that it was a bad thing -; why didn’t you tell me about your sudden talent in potions; why didn’t you tell me about all those distractions that affect your friends, regardless of their shallowness? And, pray tell, why didn’t you tell me about your progress in occlumency as anyone else would have done in your position?”

Harry didn’t even need to hear the last question to know how much his attempt to appear unsuspicious, reasonable and grown up had failed. He felt incredibly pathetic. Tricking a double agent was rather impossible, he mused with flushed cheeks.

Snape moved back to his seat and started laughing wholeheartedly, the echo sounding disturbingly strange and unfamiliar in the dungeons.

“Rule number one: Never forget the original purpose of meeting someone. Rule number two: Either tell the whole story in an unsuspicious way instead of pointing out certain events or remain taciturn and by doing so, force your opposite to ask precise questions. I’m sorry, Potter, but sometimes, you make it hard to believe that you have the power to vanquish the Dark Lord. Thank Merlin that you are not the Order's spy.”

Harry held his breath and something inside him decided to ignore the insult completely. His eyes narrowed suspiciously until a sudden flash of fury hit him.

“What did you just say?”, he growled. Snape instantly stopped laughing and, within a millisecond, shifted into a defensive position, wand in hand.

“Are you alright, Potter?”, he shot back, deadly suspicious and vigilant.

“Who told you about the prophecy’s content? Since when do you know?”, he nearly shouted.

Harryhad hardly thought of the prophecy after the fiasco at the Ministry and it shook him to the core to hear those words again. Above all, Harry’s grief for Sirius had been so great that it had likely repressed the memory of the dreamy voice which had sealed his fate before he had been born.

Personally, the content of the prophecy hadn’t really mattered to him at first, because he already knew that Voldemort was hot on his heels and aiming for his demise.

On second thought though, he found the power of prophecies incredibly frightening and dangerous, given the fact the he actually had been chosen by none other than Voldemort himself.

Yes, he mused, the prophecy was no topic to be brought up lightly and most certainly not with mockery.

Snape. Harry realized that the man, wand still drawn, probably had no clue what had been going on inside him and that Harry’s outburst and sudden withdrawal were not helping to ease their relation.

After all, it was his own dealing with the prophecy that had triggered his reaction. Snape had been his usual unfriendly and taunting self.

“I’m sorry, Sir. I’m not really used to talk about this.”, he murmured and hoped that Snape would not throw a fit and tell him how much of a whining boy he was.

Indeed, the man remained surprisingly calm. His face didn’t show the slightest emotion and resembled the mask all students were used to see.

“Can you think of anyone who might have told me about the prophecy?”, he asked coolly. “Urgh… well… ahem…”, Harry started and stopped at the sight of the stern glance.

“Potter, if I wanted to listen to random babbling, I’d talk to a toddler. Think first, open your mouth second.”, he snarled.

Harry studied Snape’s face cautiously. Their relation had become entirely unpredictable and he didn’t know if ths was for better or worse.

Before their meeting in the graveyard, Harry knew for sure that whatever might occur, Snape and he would be out for each other’s neck in an instant. The man would blame and ridicule him or just ignore him like he had done in the hospital wing after the return of Voldemort.

Now, no one knew what would happen next and Snape’s entirely black and occluded eyes didn’t help at all.

“I think,”, he began slowly and glared at the mockingly raised eyebrow, “I think it depends on when exactly you switched sides. I know from Dumbledore that you became a spy prior to Vol- his fall during the first war, wherefore it is possible that you heard of the prophecy from either man.”

“Not bad, Potter.”, Snape said. “But as much as I would like to have a coffee party and talk about the extent of that blasted prophecy with you, especially regarding our... arrangement, I must decline for now. No matter how hard you may have practised - rest assured that I will find out soon enough -, your occlumency skills are by far not advanced enough to run along with such sensitive information. Apart from that; do I want to know what you did to make Professor Dumbledore tell you about this part of my life? He usually doesn’t gossip about such things.”

Harry felt his cheeks redden and instantly looked down on the cold stone floor with all its potion splashes and stains from the last decades. “There is a pensive included, so I guess you might not want to know that story.”

The words just slipped his tongue and Snape audibly held his breath. “Don’t say anything. I know. I’m sorry for that, too.”, he added quickly. Snape cocked an eyebrow and brushed some of his greasy black curtains behind his ear.

“To be honest, Potter, I don’t care if the headmaster is fine with your rude behaviour or not or if he scolded you. Rest assured that my opinion hasn’t changed a bit, which brings us back to why you are here. Show me your homework. Now.”, he commanded and held out his hand.

Harry, who had paid so much attention to his list that Hermione had gotten pretty suspicious, pulled out a piece of parchment and handed it over.

Sources of darkness:  
\- Hunger  
\- Injustice  
\- Prejudices  
\- Questionable educational/teaching styles  
\- False expectations and assumptions  
\- Betrayal  
\- To be handled like a raw egg  
\- To be treated like a super hero/ leader  
\- To be treated like a child  
\- To be pitied but not listened to  
\- To be used as a reincarnation  
\- To be kept in the dark  
\- Endangering my friends, losing people

Sources of light:  
\- Flying  
\- Exploration  
\- Riddles  
\- Being able to help  
\- Being asked to help  
\- Defending my friends  
\- Honesty  
\- Clarity  
\- Patronus charm  
\- Invisibility cloak  
\- Hagrid’s photo album  
\- Friends and true family  
\- Improving things  
\- Mum-hugs

“I thought that key words might be better in order to see them as topics and talk about them separately… And I guess I don’t like writing too much.”, Harry justified himself.

“I am well aware of this fact.”, Snape replied dryly and grinned. “You don’t seem too surprised.”, Harry stated shyly and blushed.

“No, I am not. How did you feel after accomplishing your task and using that brain of yours for a continuous period?”

Harry paused for a little moment and thought of himself lying on his bed in Gryffindor tower, feeling utterly exhausted but happy. “I felt tidied up. Didn’t even get a headache from thinking for so long.”, he admitted slyly. 

Snape actually grinned widely in response. “There’s hope left; I see. But let’s go back to business. Thankfully, I am not a shrink or your personal agony aunt. Therefore, I will not discuss each note with you. Remember, or prime goal is to occlude that thick skull of yours and this chart may help you indeed. Now, listen to me carefully. I won’t repeat this: Whenever you feel things from “the dark side” happening, I want you to be aware of what is happening around you and how you may fight against it with positive things. Identify and examine your situation before you act. This might prevent you from rash or falsely motivated decisions."

He paused for a moment and Harry thought that he looked uncomfortable to no end.

"Whenever you feel limited by others, pushed down, be it by a person or situation, or whenever someone attempts to enter your mind, I want you to think of “the good side” and how many varied powers you already know and possess. Regarding occlumency, there are quite a few things you could use to shield your mind. The thing is, you have to try and find out for yourself.”, Snape finally concluded.

The dark office hummed in astonishment and Harry shivered at the unexpected praise. Snape, however, remained unaffected at all until his gaze softened for a moment.

“I use to keep my word, Potter. I know that I am not good at explaining such things, but given everything you have been through, I want you to see your weak and strong spots. It is essential for you to know and understand each of them. Memorize this chart.”, he quietly instructed before his face changed back to his sneer.

“Speaking of weaknesses and strengths; would you care to explain why Professor Slughorn seems to think that you are the brightest potions student he has ever taught?”, Snape tried again and Harry felt ashamed for actually believing that his former potions master would not bring this topic up again. Luckily, Snape’s words were still on his mind.

“Would you mind if I promise to do so at a later point? It has something to do with exploration and I am not ready to reveal my discoveries yet. I swear, however, that I am not doing dangerous stuff.”, Harry argued with confidence.

Snape just stared at his green eyes and smirked. “Smart-ass brat. I’ll take you up on that.”, he just said. Harry smiled genuinely. It felt good not be lectured, evaluated or reprimanded by someone for choosing to keep a secret.

“Lay down, Potter.”, Snape said suddenly and his wand was back in his hand. Harry jolted up in the air and quickly obeyed, feeling uncomfortable on the cold floor right away.

“Idiot boy.”, Snape grumbled. “Are you sure you are a wizard, Potter? _Molliare! Folcillo!_ ” The invisible cushion below Harry instantly got comfortably warm and he couldn’t help but close his eyes.

“Good instinct.”, Snape praised again. “We start off with some basic occlumency training. Try to clear your mind. Control your thoughts. Pick a power to shield your mind and control your emotions. You have ten seconds.”

Harry immediately felt panic rise in his chest. His breath accelerated and his palms got sweaty. Instinctively, he decided to think of Hagrid’s photo album and how blessed he had felt when he had looked at the first pictures of his true family.

He heard Snape muttering the incantation and felt him pushing against his mental borders in various attempts to force himself in, but somehow, it seemed to happen meters away from his mind.

Snape tried and tried relentlessly. The harder it got to keep him out, the more Harry focused on every single picture until his mind lingered on a photograph which showed nothing but his mother’s wide smile while she was cradling him as an infant. Snape backed off in a hurry as if he had burnt himself.

“That was better than expected, Potter.”, he panted.

“Did you see what I saw?”, Harry asked.

“Fragments.”, he said brusquely and sounded as sour as during their first lessons in fifth year.

“You managed to keep me out. We will resume this exercise. Prepare yourself and alter your method. Never rely on a single strategy. Be vigilant. _Legilimens_.”, he shouted.

The incantation hit so quick that Harry was caught unguarded. Snape walked through his memories with ease and Harry’s head started to ache.

Compared to fifth year, Snape did not plunder his mind and search for particular memories or attached feelings, he just looked at what appeared in front of him.

Hermione and Harry arguing about potions; Harry losing his temper in front of McGonagall; Harry spending time at the Burrow – it took a second for Harry to understand that his memories were going backwards and he didn’t want Snape to see their encounter in the graveyard or worse, the fiasco in the Ministry.

While a new memory caught Snape’s attention, Harry summoned his concentration and let himself engulf by the wonderful feeling of flying and playing Quidditch.

It worked. His mind withdrew and instead of passing memories, the Quidditch pitch appeared full-screen, as the muggels would say. Snape should see him flying, dancing in the air, diving towards the ground and chasing the golden snitch.

It took a few rounds around the pitch until Snape backed off again. “I am surprised, Potter. You really put some effort into it.”, he said astonished.

“As did you.”, Harry smiled up at him. Snape held out a hand and helped him getting back on his feet. They stood in awkward silence in the middle of the office.

Neither seemed to know how to handle a meeting with a rather positive outcome. Harry was shocked to realize how bad their relation had been before.

A simple and normal training already made him feel like the was the latest master occlumens.

“It was a start, but it won’t hold back Professor Dumbledore or him”, Snape said quietly and held up his hand at Harry's desperate groan.

“Be patient, Potter. Today, we have achieved more than ever before. I need you to continue like this. And no more thinking of or spying on Draco Malfoy. We’ve established that you’re utter rubbish at this. Now, off with you.”

On his way up to Gryffindor tower, Harry couldn’t help but smile. Finally, there was a silver lining.


	4. Christmas spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A deep insight into occlumency. Settled between Slughorn's party and Harry's departure to the Burrow. A lot of practice and much Christmas spirit before winter storms are about to come around. Essential for the story's dramatic climax, but very enjoyable until then.

Hogwarts looked like a picture-perfect castle in one of the uncountable Muggle fairy tales which Harry never had been allowed to read, listen to or watch on TV.

The lands were deeply covered in snow for that none of the usual rat runs across the hilly verdant meadows could be used anymore and even the forbidden forest had been gifted with a rather peaceful aura.

The most beautiful part of the scenery still was the castle, though. The combination of snow-covered statues and spires with the overall decorations, both on the out- and inside, gave everybody the feeling of being in some sort of heaven.

Harry especially loved the garlands made of fir branches which were decorated with glitter balls and sang joyful Christmas carols whenever somebody passed them.

This year, he thought, the combination of the colours green, red and gold held more than a sheer visual meaning.

Snape had asked for another occlumency session on the last day before most of the students, including Harry, were about to head home – the Burrow, in his case.

Enthusiastically, he ignored Hermione’s and Ron’s separate lamenting on Snape being a heartless bastard and left for the dungeons. As expected, neither the corridors leading to Snape’s office the office itself were seized by the heart-warming Christmas fever.

Calmly, he noticed that he had gotten into Snape’s office although the master himself was not even inside.

Considering leaving and waiting outside for him, the blank wall that led to Snape’s private quarters suddenly tingled as the person in question entered the room. Harry gasped.

Snape’s face had an even unhealthier colour, dark and deep circles were clearly visible around his eyes and his hair looked greasier and more unkempt than ever.

The potions master slowly moved towards his desk as if every step caused him severe pain and when he finally sat down, a loud sigh escaped his mouth. Quietly, Harry moved to his chair on the other side.

“I’m alright, Potter.”, Snape said raspy and pulled out his wand. His hands were shaking and Harry could see where his short-clipped fingernails had dug into his palms.

“You don’t expect me to believe this, do you?”, he blurted out and decided to continue as long as Snape didn’t open his mouth for a certainly harsh reply.

“I don’t want to know, well… I do want to know what happened to you, but I don’t expect you to tell me. If you want to, however, I’d be happy to listen.”

Snape studied his face for quite some time until he couldn’t hold his gaze any longer. “I will decide at the end of this lesson.”, he decided sternly.

“Before we will resume our training, I’d like to talk with you about different methods of occlumency. Do you have any guesses or insights from your training, Potter?”

Harry was shocked by the rational and cold tone in Snape’s voice. The man acted as if he had stumbled on something, whereas Harry already suspected a bad death eater meeting with Voldemort.

It took every ounce of his freshly gained mental control not to dwell upon possible reasons for the man’s poor state. Without asking for permission, he first got up and lit a fire in the fireplace, which was stone cold and clearly had not been used for at least a day.

“Our lessons tend to take a little longer and I don’t want to see either of us getting sick before Christmas.”, he shrugged and paid attention not to point out the obvious, namely that Snape appeared already too sick to reside in a cold room like this for more than a couple of minutes at maximum.

“Well, to come back to your question.”, Harry continued,

“I tried first blocking any access to my mind with a strong and positive memory I am deeply attached to. It felt a little like summoning my patronus. That’s the weak spot of this method, I guess, because I need to hold on to that memory, no matter how strong or long-lasting the attempt to break through is or if my body or mind are weakened in advance to decrease my abilities.”

Snape didn’t react so far, Harry noticed and decided to go on. After all, he was practicing this time.

“Moreover, this method may block someone out for a certain period, but it clearly shows that I am occluding and someone like the headmaster or him will know immediately.”

In spite of his visible pain and discomfort, Snape manged to put a smile on his thin and chapped lips.

“Continue.”, he whispered and Harry straightened his shoulders.

“I was too slow to block you out in the second attempt last time, so I tried to lead you to a particular memory in order to prevent you from plundering my mind or seeing various memories at all. This shield seems like a one-way ticket to me, because after some time, every intruder would eventually recognize this strategy and assume that I intended to hide something. Am I correct?”

Snape nodded again and held up his hand again. He cleared his throat and Harry knew he was done with talking.

“There are more ways of course, Potter.”, Snape began. “More advanced ways. I’d like to test your abilities now before I’ll explain the next level, if you want to call it like that. Since I am not in the mood for long discussions today, I want you to block me shortly, then let me in and actively guide me through your past weeks. I will try to wander around instead of following your path. Prepare yourself…. _Legilimens._ ”

Harry had aleady expected Snape to attack instead of talking all night long. Thankfully, he was prepared.

While Snape learned of the psychological prank on Ron during the first Quidditch match, Slughorn’s club, love potions smuggled into the castle, his choice of a partner for Slughorn’s gathering and the latest quarrel of the trio, Harry felt treacherously confident until he realized his mistake.

The next memory of course had to be Slughorn’s party and, inevitable, his eavesdropping on Snape and Malfoy.

As much as he was proud of disciplining his mind, not looking out too much for Malfoy and hiding the extent of his interest for the Half-Blood Prince in front of Ron and Hermione, his emotions had taken the better part of him during the party and he had fallen back into old patterns headfirst.

Sudden disappointment crushed him like a wave and he blinded Snape with memories of Hagrid’s photo album. Snape backed out immediately.

It took some time for Harry to regain control over his breathing and fight the dizziness followed this sudden change.

When he looked up, he saw that Snape, too, had trouble to stay guarded and emotionally detached like he usually did.

“You are not permitted to use this memory again, Potter.”, he panted and winced while trying to sit up straight.

“Why not, Sir? It works perfectly well.”, Harry shot back, confused.

“I don’t need to explain my instructions to you. I am the teacher.”, he barked aggressively and Harry understood that this conversation was at and end.

He nodded in defeat and disappointment, not having expected such a snape-ish answer after their newfound situation and his success.

“What did you try to hide? I know that Slughorn’s parties contain a lot of phlegm and pretence. If I may recommend something to you: Better get used to it now. Someone with your name and background can’t escape such gatherings.”, Snape continued with a weak sneer.

“That’s not the point, Sir.”, Harry dared to correct him and fought the impulse to act on the scornful comment about his family.

“You’ve been at the party, too, and know that nothing suspicious happened there. I wanted to talk about what I witnessed outside the party instead of you finding out this way. I panicked a little, because I don’t know if one can exclude or cover up certain aspects of a memory.”, he confessed, face beet-red.

“You have my undivided attention, Potter.”, Snape said and his eyes darkened dangerously.

Of course, he knew now. Harry mustered up his courage and told him about the argument in the classroom, Snape’s accusations towards Malfoy, Malfoy’s accusations towards Snape and the unbreakable vow nevertheless.

Snape didn’t react directly but stared angrily into Harry’s emerald green eyes for a torturous amount of time.

“How come you were so enthusiastic when you entered my office this evening? How come you decided to continue our lessons although you must think that I am playing both sides even more than you know already? How come you didn’t run to the headmaster and told him about your finding? And, most importantly, what about our lessons and trust? Why did you wait until the last minute to talk to me?” His voice dripped with disappointment, curiosity and wariness equally.

Even though the fire was crackling at full power, the room temperature dropped a few degrees and Harry shivered slightly. He still didn’t know how far Snape was to trust and whatever tasks he was working on.

It made no difference that he knew now that Snape had to treat him extra badly in class and during the day; it made no difference that Snape was actually helping him guarding his mind; it made no difference that Dumbledore told him times and times again that Snape was trustworthy.

The overheard conversation was proof enough to seal the fact that Snape was indeed a real double agent, that he was working on missions for both sides and Voldemort surely never meant well.

Harry hadn’t slept that night and with the beautiful winter sun’s rise, he finally got a new understanding of Snape.

Snape, the double agent, was still the same person who had broken down in front of his parents’ grave; the same person who had saved his life numerous times; the same person who could simply kidnap him and bring him to Voldemort whenever they were alone but didn’t.

Could it be possible that Snape was truly after Malfoy on Dumbledore’s orders, because he wanted to prevent whatever the bastard was up to?

Could it be possible that Snape was ready to do whatever it took to ensure that no one from each side would ever to see through or understand him, because the consequences would be severe if someone from Voldemort’s camp found out about the broken man from the graveyard?

Was Snape fighting a battle of his own which no one knew of?

Although Snape and Harry met irregularly, their lessons were by far more intense than every meeting with Dumbledore. The both of them would constantly stare at each other, watching every little movement and facial expression and more often than not look straight in each other’s eyes.

Whenever the dark glimmering black pair locked with the brilliant emerald one, he could feel that Snape was not using legilimency on him but rather trying to read and understand Harry as he was.

Just Harry. Like he always wanted to be seen.

Realizing that he had yet to reply to Snape, he shook his head and started to talk: “I’m sorry. My mind needed to check on something.”

“Does it always take this long, Potter? I was thinking of taking a nap right here already.”, Snape interrupted dryly and Harry grinned.

His humour, if one had the chance to catch it, could be as sharp, witty and sarcastic as the Half-Blood Prince’s, but he better not thought of that secret today. “There’s no need to, Sir.”, he replied quickly, pushing forward.

“I ended your field trip in my mind because I wanted to actually talk about my eavesdropping rather than have you find out. Otherwise, you would gotten under the impression that I hadn’t changed a bit. I know that I had a sort of relapse and I know now that situations like the gathering and fuss around it make me unfocused, hence vulnerable. I guess I’ll have to work on that." He paused briefly.

"I was so enthusiastic to come here because I enjoy making progress and the fuss about my friends, Quidditch and groupie-like girls bothers me less when I am focused. I was actually feeling proud of accomplishing something unfamiliar through my own practice. I didn’t go to Dumbledore because I still don’t know the purpose of his lessons. He’s holding so much information back and I am afraid that he will scold me and then work on something behind my back. - Don’t interrupt, please, he doesn’t explain anything to me unless something bad happens. It’s been like that every single year. I cannot trust him this way.” Harry ruffled his hair in agitation.

There was no point of return. “Speaking of trust; I came back to you because I start trusting you and don’t think you mean any harm to me. I guessed that you would probably feel betrayed by my mistake. Don’t get me wrong, I did betray you, but I didn’t want you to feel it for the wrong reason. It was because I got weak and distracted. It was never about risking this.” he finished and waved his hand awkwardly between them.

Harry was exhausted after his breathless explanation and hoped that he had not talked too long to Snape, who seemed more tired and in pain as in the beginning of their lesson.

“Congratulations, Potter.”, the man whispered.

“You have accomplished quite a few things indeed. Nonetheless, we are not here to hand out praise like a certain wizard does with lemon drops. Would you rather hear or see the explanation of the third level of occlumency?”, Snape asked neutrally.

“I’d like to see it, Sir. That’d be something new.”, Harry said and froze at Snape’s smile.

“I guessed as much. Exploration. Take out our wand, Potter. You should know the incantation by now.”, he commanded softly.

Harry couldn’t believe his ears. Did Snape actually invite him to use legilimency on himself? His eavesdropping still in mind, he felt guiltier than ever.

Of course, Snape could show him everything he wanted to as Harry’s capabilities were limited and lacked of experience, but the fact that the reserved man let him point his wand at his head was overwhelming.

“Good to see that you are trying to hide your emotions on your face and eyes, Potter, but right now you look like being petrified while eating a lemon. If you would hurry up; I am a little tired today.” Snape’s voice was barely a whisper.

Guilt washed over Harry again for taking his time and ignoring the other’s bad shape. He pointed his wand at Snape’s forehead and focused on his goal.

_“Legilimens.”_

The feeling of being deliberately in his mind was strange and unnatural. Harry decided to ignore it best and broke the first barrier, Snape teaching first years, with the stubborn power of wanting to explore this mind. Suddenly, he saw a memory of one of their lessons.

Snape was standing, wand in hand, shouting at Harry and grimacing with the most horrible scorn. Harry, on the other side, was panting and shouting back. His features were just as twisted in anger.

He wondered, because he couldn’t remember this situation, and to make it even more confusing, no sound was coming from the memory at all.

Snape’s mind started to push against Harry, willing to force him out or send another memory, but Harry didn’t give up and stubbornly managed to stay in.

The atmosphere of the memory reminded him of being under water; everything was kind of slick and deaf.

Suddenly, a brainwave hit him subconsciously. If water covered the noises of Snape’s memories, Harry thought while maintaining his power, strong winds would probably blow it away.

He summoned an own memory of wind whistling in his ears like it did during Quidditch.

Out of nowhere, he felt an unfamiliar flash of magic rushing through his veins and an entirely new power filled his body and soul to the core.

With a loud whistling sound, he pushed again against the memory and as if surfacing from a sea or pool, he started to hear angry voices.

_“Just like your father.”, memory-Snape shouted._   
_“Worst teacher of all time. Worst person ever.”, memory-Harry shot back._   
_“Your arrogance will have you kil-“_

“Enough.”, reality-Snape roared from far away and the connection broke with a blinding white light. Streaks of his black hair covered Snape’s face and his forehead was covered in sweat.

He collapsed in his chair and Harry, still panting as well, jumped across the desk to help him. Snape didn’t refuse and let it happen.

“Shhh… I got you. Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”, Harry soothed him to the best of his abilities and dearly hoped that Snape’s temper wouldn’t be provoked by his behaviour.

“What did you do, Potter?”, he just panted through gritted teeth and listened to Harry’s explanation.

“I didn’t exactly lie in my fake memory.”, Snape admitted with a forced smile. “Your amount of power and stubbornness rival your father’s easily.” Harry remained quiet.

“The third level is, as you have found out, the alteration of memories, relationships, even locations in order to cover the truth. As the both of us have shared enough unfriendly moments together, it is quite easy to use the real memory as a fundament and lay the rest above. Real memories or just parts of them feel more real for the intruder.”, Snape explained in a whisper.

“It is quite _easy_. Sure. Just sounds like that. I bet deafening one’s mind is a child’s play, too?”, Harry drawled sarcastically.

"Actually, yes. The sound is another one-way ticket, if you like. It is easy, believe me. That’s why you managed to break that barrier without even knowing what you were doing.”

“Sounds familiar. I’m always telling people it’s more about instinct and quick-thinking, somehow. Maybe trusting one’s gut feeling.”, Harry smiled.

“And bravery, Potter. It takes a lot of bravery to trust something so elusive. You are, after all, a true Gryffindor.”, Snape said calmly.

“I want you to continue your training and occasionally tape memories over. Trial and error. Until they feel somhow real to you and until you can produce them within a second. You need a lot of concentration for this task. Be patient with yourself, regardless of how little time there is left.”

“May I ask a question, Sir?” A brief nod was all he needed.

“You are not telling me everything you know, but you don’t lie to me either. Am I correct and if so, will you ever fully open up? I still don’t get so many things.”

Snape grabbed him by his collar and pulled him so close that Harry could see every single drop of sweat on his face.

Too shocked to react, Harry let him be. After a moment of common silence, Snape pulled Harry finally into a hug, not noticing that Harry rather laid half across him than sat on the armrest of his chair. The position was uncomfortable and weird, but neither of them dared to move.

Snape’s extremely strong musk captured Harry’s senses, as did the bundle of fresh herbs and parchment. It was just like in the graveyard.

He didn’t mind that Snape actually smelled like he could use a bath or that his greasy hair was entangled with his own rat’s nest. After having shared few but incredibly private moments together, it somehow felt right.

“Mum-hugs, someone told me.”, Snape whispered into his ear and Harry genuinely smiled.

“Believe me, I know how frustrating it is to have to wait for an answer, but you’ll see, with every time we meet, it will get easier.”

“How do you know?”, asked Harry who wasn’t sure of anything anymore. He snuggled against Snape’s cloth-covered neck.

“There is a difference between learning something and truly understanding it. The latter is what you asked for and I am afraid that it takes time, patience and experience. Trust me, I’ve been there as well.”, Snape replied and pushed him out of their hug.

“Would you like to talk about what happened to you, Sir? Did it have anything to do with Malfoy?”, Harry asked politely. He felt again like he didn’t want to leave the office.

“Thank Merlin. I thought for a moment someone would have used Polyjuice potion on you. I probably won’t say this again and regret it tomorrow morning, but I am grateful that you asked such a redundant question. No, Potter. And.Malfoy.is.none.of.your.business!”

“Anything to oblige, Sir.”, grinned Harry before he erupted in laughter. To his surprise, Snape joined him.

“Do you leave tomorrow?” Of course, it had to be him to regain his composure first. “Yes, Sir.”, Harry said and felt like he didn’t want to anymore.

“Promise me not to reveal anything at all. Occlumency training only. In fact, I want you to act as if nothing has changed at all.”

“I’m a bad liar!”, Harry protested.

“I am sure this might have changed a little by now, Potter. You can do this. In fact, there is no other way. You agreed to this. Now, off you go. Have a Merry Christmas, Potter.”

“Merry Christmas, Sir.”


	5. Happy birthday to the awful boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape assigns another private lesson with Harry on his own birthday. Who could have thought that the topic of dementors would not bring joy and happiness despite all progress made?

On the 9th of January, Harry got back his essay about dementors and was surprised to find a note below his hastily scrabbled sentences.

“Detention. See me this evening at eight. Do not be late.” He frowned at the sharp words and didn’t feel like seeing Snape for private lessons at all.

Christmas had been miserable, to say the least. The constant tension between Mrs Weasley, Ginny and Fleur had grated on everybody’s nerves and the truth about unbreakable vows had shocked him to the core.

Not to mention his heated discussion with Remus about Snape, Malfoy and that damnable task of which no one from the Order was aware or at least, pretended to ever have heard of.

The only two things he was actually proud of were his sass against the Minister himself and that he accomplished stage three of occlumency with growing ease.

How Snape managed to control his entire mind and knowledge all the time and still was able to tell truth from alternation was beyond his comprehension, though.

Being a double agent alone would suffice for Harry and he wondered why Snape taught one of the most complex and important subjects in addition.

According to his field trip into Snape’s memories, Hogwarts or rather its students had made sure that the castle did not appear as loving and homely as it did to Harry.

No wonder, he thought in between lessons, that the man was always infuriating sour, stern and even passive-aggressive on occasion. His two jobs and past must have worn off.

However, it didn’t cross his mind to pity the man. No matter how many bad experiences Snape had made in his life, nothing gave anyone a carte blanche to take out one’s emotions on other people, especially not students less than half one's age. 

Moreover, after all he had learned about Snape, either from his experience or the information from Remus, Dumbledore or the person in question himself, the dark and brooding man was fairly capable at defending himself and likely at attacking and avenging as well.

Especially regarding the Marauders and Snape, it sounded to him rather like a chicken and egg issue than a black and white story of bullying and fighting. From his own school experience, he could tell now that the fact that Neville’s boggart had been Snape instead of Bellatrix hit differently. 

No, there was no pity left for Snape despite his recent efforts and little changes in character when they met alone.

Harry's head spun all day and if he was honest, he still didn’t look much forward to the pseudo-detention in the evening.

The latest information from Remus still needed processing and after a fortnight of living in the wonderful if crowded Burrow, he missed the quiet lecture of the Half-Blood Prince’s potions book dearly.

Now that Snape officially knew how much he had improved in potions and that Slughorn considered him equally talented as the potions master himself, he evaluated if he should show him the old book, for trust’s sake.

Hour by hour, he grew fond of the idea as he could kill two birds with a stone by following up with the book without having Ron or Hermione know about it and avoid that Snape would find out by a not so trustworthy devious route nonetheless.

After all, he had to be honest and trustworthy if he wanted to be treated in an equal manner.

Down in the dungeons, he realized that he was ten minutes early and suddenly felt unsure of his previous decision again. It seemed like neither the book nor he could let go of each other. With weak knees, he knocked three times.

“Enter.”, a lighter voice than Snape’s came from the office. Dumbledore’s voice. Harry’s blood ran cold. Yeah, the new term almost started as bad as the last.

“Good evening, professors.”, Harry said politely and intensely worked on a neutral expression with slight reluctance.

“Ah, Harry, my boy.”, Dumbledore greeted like the cold dungeon was his very own office. Snape, who’d have normally intervened, remained quiet and unaffected behind his desk.

“How were your holidays?”, he continued, twinkling of course. “Adventurous, actually. You probably know that there is no minute’s rest at the Burrow, Sir.”, he grinned and quickly prepared some memories and placed them right at the forefront of his mind. Dumbledore’s light blue eyes stared at him and the old man smiled.

“I thought as much.”, he said and quickly hid his black hand behind a fold of his canary-yellow robes. “The Minister visited us, Sirs.”, Harry continued and tried to include Snape.

He didn’t like it at all that Snape was excluded from this conversation in his own office and to be honest, he felt being robbed of their lesson by Dumbledore’s presence.

“Did he?”, both men replied with grown interest that sounded awfully fake.

“Yeah, he wanted to use me as promotion for the ministry and their fight against Voldemort. - Sorry, Sir – Even wanted to sugar-coat me with benefits during my Auror training, for example.” Snape pulled a face, while Dumbledore simply smiled.

“How insolent.”, he commented moved toward him. “I told him that I was your man.”, Harry stated matter-of-factly.

A moment of silence followed his sentence until long, healthy fingers eventually found their way to the blue eyes. Dumbledore apparently wiped off some tears.

“I’m deeply honoured, Harry. Thank you.” Snape nodded absently and refused to look at Harry’s direction.

“But I have consumed enough of your time, my boys. I wish you a successful evening. After all, we wouldn’t want Professor Snape to spend his entire evening with us on his birthday, Harry, would we?” Harry’s neck hair got up within less than a second.

He gulped visibly and hated his sharp Adam’s apple for the first time in his life. His front memories quickly changed to a flicker of the adjusted occlumency lessons with Snape.

“I promise to try and pull myself together, Professor.”, he said honestly and made his best effort to look positively mild.

“I’m glad to hear this, Harry. Enjoy your evening and see you soon.” Dumbledore fatherly patted his shoulder with his healthy hand while seeing himself out and Harry couldn’t wait for the office door to lock.

Snape sprang soundlessly to his feet, placed a scrawny finger on his lips and pointed his wand at the door.

After a couple of minutes, complicated wand movements followed one another and Harry guessed that Snape was applying privacy and anti-intruding charms.

“We should now be safe from controlling father figures, Potter. For future reference, _fortessa_ is a charm that warns is somebody comes close. The amount of star-polygon-like wand movements increases the radius by ten meters. The more spikes, the denser the charm.”, he said grumpily.

“So, he was testing us? Did I reveal anything?” Harry panicked and forgot to thank him properly for the spell, which unfortunately only worsened Snape’s mood.

“Seriously, Potter? Get a hold on yourself.”, he snapped.

They walked to his desk in uncomfortable silence and Harry asked himself why Snape had wanted to see him at all. He had no chance to find the answer as Snape continued no less annoyed. “You did well, for Merlin’s sake. Have you been training?”

“Yes, as often as possible. It gets easier.” 

"At least something.”, he muttered, still sounding furious.

“Sir, I don’t know why you wanted to see me, but I can come back tomorrow evening if you’d rather spend tonight with somebody else… or alone.”, Harry added, blushing to the roots of his hair. Those words naturally had to come out the wrong way.

“If you are done making fun of me, Potter, I-“ “-I’m not making fun of you, Sir. I’m just not that varied with words, that’s all.”, he interrupted.

Snape didn’t reply. As ever so often, they just looked at each other. “Do you know why I assigned this detention, Potter?”, Snape finally drawled. Truth was that Harry had not the slightest idea and thus shook his head lightly.

“I was curious to know how you managed an “O” in your last essay – don’t interrupt, I know I’ve officially given you an “A”. Would you care to explain?”

Snape slowly seemed to cool down which was not in Harry’s favour at all. He knew that the mention of his third year would drive him back up the wall rather sooner than later.

Still, he needed to reply and didn’t feel like trying his growing lying capabilities on a day like this.

“In third year, when the dementors were guarding the school, I was way more affected by them than all other students if you remember. After that particular Quidditch match, Remus and I trained with a boggart and each time it shifted into a dementor, it made me understand them better.”

“Your boggart is a dementor?”, Snape asked surprised. Harry nodded. “Remus said something like my biggest fear being fear itself. Don’t know if that’s true.”

He absently ruffled his hair and shrugged at Snape rolling his eyes. “However, I figured that dementors attack both one’s consciousness and sub-conscious mind. It’s nowhere written, but it’s true. Whiling practicing, I found out that a patronus shield doesn’t particularly need to be formed out of a true memory rather than a strong emotion which feels true. It may be a sub-conscious one even.”

He paused again. “Sir, if you awarded my essay an “O” and Hermione just got an “E”, you must have known this as well, am I correct?”

Snape took a while to reply. “Yes, I knew. You are just the first person I know who shares the same… experience or at least, who shares their finding. I guess your patronus charm is quite powerful, Potter?”

“Yes.”, Harry replied with modesty, not wanting to brag about fighting off 100 dementors simultaneously at the age of thirteen.

The corner of Snape’s mouth curled up and his eyes glistened eagerly. “That modesty suits you, Potter. In fact, I know of both of your real encounters with the beasts, although I would prefer not to talk about the first one.” Harry flinched.

Of course, Snape had been knocked out by him, Sirius had escaped that night and the Order of Merlin, 2nd class had vanished, too. Harry suddenly realized that Snape likely hadn’t known the truth about Sirius’ innocence until either Dumbledore told him after their forced peace treaty in the hospital wing or he had met Wormtail at a death eater meeting.

Snape must have had a similar thought and nodded understandingly.

“I’m glad that the Ministry didn’t know either. Speaking of that nuthouse; congratulations on your verbal duel with the Minister. Lucius Malfoy nearly had a heart attack out of sheer wrath after hearing that you naturally had gotten away with such behaviour.” Harry joined his wicked grin.

“Next time, you may tell him that I asked Fudge to sign my Hogsmeade permission after I blew up my aunt Marge and got away with both.” Both of them erupted in laughter.

“How about we train for half an hour and have a cup of tea afterwards? Consider me generous tonight.”, Snape suddenly said with a smirk. Sparkling green eyes met the black pair with pure joy and gratitude.

“Don’t wet yourself and get up, Potter. I count to ten. One, two, three, ten! _Legilimens!_ ”

Snape’s attack was more powerful and vicious than his previous ones. In retrospect, Harry had been stupid to think that Snape wasn’t holding back, especially when he had been miserable and in pain.

With his raw and wild power surrounding him and trying to break his shields, Harry found himself challenged with the task of protecting his mind like a sailor his ship during a storm with crashing waves.

At the end of their lesson, Harry was covered in sweat and felt as lucky and exhausted as after a good Quidditch training.

“Do you remember one of our first new lessons, Potter? Please include the imagination of your element to your shields until next time. If you don’t meet regularly with a Legilimens, you may combine those two shields during an attack from the beginning on. Trust me, it is pretty confusing if you don’t know there are two different shields working simultaneously.”, Snape panted.

“Element, Sir?”, Harry asked blankly and Snape immediately slapped his hand across his forehead.

“Oh boy. Elements like earth, fire, water and wind. Air in your case, water in mine. Honestly, you can be as thick as that rat’s nest you call hair!”, he said exasperatedly and Harry had to fight his impulse to retort with a suiting insult again.

“I guess we’re matching our features then.”, he said instead, coolly.

“Touché.”, Snape grinned after a warning glance. “Now get through that wall before I throw you out, insolent brat.”

Sitting on the same spot on the couch as last time, Harry took a careful closer look at Snape’s living room.

Apart from tons of books, most of them old and worn, there were few personal things to be seen. Actually, there were none at all as he didn’t want to call a grandfather’s clock personal.

“Happy birthday, Sir.”, Harry started. “Don’t flatter yourself, Potter. It’s not a big deal at all.”, Snape shrugged and summoned a plate with cookies and two big pots of tea.

Harry wanted to disagree until something caught his attention. “This smells fantastic, Sir.”, he exclaimed and inhaled the ensnaring scent of his pot.

“Side-effects of being a potions master.”, Snape answered without passion or excitement. Suddenly, his demeanour changed and he studied Harry’s face again like in the office.

“Would you like to elaborate how exactly you found about… ‘our’ way to create a patronus?” He tone was desperately demanding rather than politely asking.

Maybe it was because of his nature as the magical equivalent of science professor, maybe because Snape wanted to test him.

Neither was entirely convincing, because somehow, Harry sensed that the question had had a pretty personal undertone. Holding his pot in both hands, he decided to look at the beige rug instead of facing him.

“I think of my parents and how they saved me that night out of love. I was a toddler, so I can't really remember, but the feeling is overwhelming. It also fights back to what the dementors make me relive." He gulped.

"Whenever a dementor comes close, I hear my parents die. First, it’s Mum and how she refused his order to step aside and leave me unprotected. The longer the dementor is near, the more the memory goes back in time until I hear Dad telling Mum to grab me and flee and that he would try to stop him.”

A sudden bang forced him to look up in wary. Snape’s tea pot had exploded and he found the potions master covered all over in the hot beverage.

“Sorry, Sir.”, Harry said automatically. Without a single hiss in pain, Snape vanished the tea and repaired the pot with a flick of his wand.

“Guess that’s what you get from being too curious.”, he murmured to himself and served them a refill.

“Would you like to talk about it?”, Harry asked and walked towards the armchair. “Absolutely not, Potter.”, he insisted.

“Are you sure? You should know by now that I am capable of listening.”, Harry insisted.

“I… I…. So much could be ruined if I started to talk now.”, Snape finally admitted and refused to look anywhere else than on the beige rug as well. There was a thick layer of desperation in Snape’s voice.

Whatever sour point Harry’s words had touched; must be a crucial one for the man who just lifted his head a little. Harry recognized a flicker in those black eyes like the one he had seen in the graveyard in summer.

“Swear that you won’t tell anyone and train extra hard.”, Snape commanded earnestly. He was serious. He trusted Harry. 

“Swear like in unbreakable vow?”, Harry squealed in surprise.

“No! I don’t want you to die, you foolish Gryffindor drama queen.”, Snape bellowed in response and made Harry jump. A loud Snape was ways scarier than the threateningly restrained one.

“That was uncalled for. You know I’m no queen. Just a hothead at times.”, he complained with a grin; hoping to calm down the other hothead in the room a little. It worked as Snape’s still unfamiliar smile returned.

“Honestly, I swear to shut my mind and mouth, Professor.”, Harry said seriously while his heart almost exploded with curiosity.

Snape inviting him to his quarters on his birthday; Snape joking with him and playing off Dumbledore; Snape offering to reveal something apparently private and high valued – he couldn’t help but feel gifted.

“Did you ever wonder why I wept on your parents’ grave?”

That question definitely hit home. Harry actually had spent a thought or two on the matter, but his focus always had always been on Snape’s condition and why he had broken down at all.

“I see... Well, think about it. The answer explains the exploded pot. Where were we?”, Snape concluded.

In the dim and flickering light, Snape looked captivating, if still not like an all-shiny Adonis. His lank hair hung like curtains in his face, the never-disappearing dark circles under his eyes showed soft crinkles in addition; the sallow skin was stretched over his sharp jaw and disproportionate nose while the hollow cheeks gave him a rather slender look.

Due to the changes in light and shadows, Harry thought that there was some beauty in the generally sad appearance; something he got more and more fascinated by.

Absently, he stifled a smile as his mind drifted to aunt Petunia and her obsession with the ever-conventional, pristine and neat looks of everything and everyone. She’d have a heart attack facing a man considered “awful” in her eyes.

Maybe it was worth a try one day and he would set them up somehow. Like a personal present for graduation. He would bet all his fortune in Gringotts’s that Vernon and Petunia would back down immediately.

Just as Harry wanted to laugh at the scenery, a suspicion made his skin crawl.

“You… you are that awful boy.”, he blurted out and covered his mouth with his hands.

Snape looked deadly infuriated and at the sight of his clenched fists, Harry knew that his only way out was talking.

“I mean… aunt Petunia called someone like that when I asked her how she knew about dementors and she said that that awful boy had explained to Mum one day. I always guessed she was referring to Dad, but she’d use another bad word for someone like him. Then… you mentioned something in the graveyard. Ugh, Sir, were you friends with my Mum?”

Snape’s hands shook violently as he tried to sit back and pull his hair out of his face. While his eyes remained unaffected, his cheeks reddened and his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down.

It looked like he was fighting an inner battle. Harry, no less surprised at his brainwave, just sat and watched.

“I didn’t expect you to find out. At least not this early. Especially not now.”, Snape stuttered eventually.

“You were planning on telling me, then?”, Harry asked agitatedly.

“In a way. After hearing about your upbringing, I felt like you deserved to know some day. But there is still so much so accomplish and it would be unwise to hand out our past like brochures at the present time. I’m sorry that my curiosity took the better part of me. You should leave.”, Snape retreated with finality in his voice.

Disappointment and anger burnt inside Harry. Didn’t he deserve to hear stories about his parents from those who were lucky enough to have known them?

Though he would probably never know what exactly to expect from Snape, he had hoped for a simple “yes” or “no” in order to satisfy his ignited interest. Snape’s secret planning and sorry excuse just riled him up instead.

“No. I’d rather stay”, he decided firmly. “I think we should at least scratch the surface. It also doesn’t look like you cope well with hiding whatever it is.”

“These are my rooms, Potter.”, Snape fumed. “How dare you boss me around in here? I owe you nothing and I hope that this is not your way of using and treating my trust.”

Oh, Harry thought, he could play that card as well. “How dare you invite me to your rooms, obviously with the intent of finding out very personal aspects of my life, and throw me out now that you don’t like where this conversation has led us to?” Fury consumed him. Unfortunately, he was not the only one.

“How dare I? Who couldn’t shut his mouth and get the subtlety of a concluding ‘I see.’? Who just had to have another brainwave? Since when do you even remember single conversations and phrases and happenings in an accuracy you never show in class? It is not my fault that you never learned to see and respect a line where it’s drawn. It is not my fault that I couldn’t be left alone that bloody night. Don’t you dare judge my behaviour. You don’t know me. You know nothing at all.”, Snape spat.

Neither of them had noticed how close they had come during their accusations. With the coffee table in between them, they stood face to face with less than half a meter’s distance.

Harry glared at Snape with every ounce of anger, sadness, betrayal and frustration he could summon, teeth bared and jaw clenched. His body vibrated with a power he had never felt before and the pounding of blood in his ears prevented him from thinking.

Just as he crossed his arms and angry tears leaked his eyes, Snape’s features suddenly softened.

“Please, Harry, leave me alone. One day, you'll understand.”, he begged.

Harry gasped for air at the sound of his first name coming from Snape himself. The whispered pled sank in like a seed in fresh soil on a sunny day in spring.

Its warmth grew from within and before Harry understood what he was doing, he pulled Snape into a hug and ignored the warning growl. “Fine.”, he whispered back and let go.

“Have it your way then.” Turning on his heel in a very snape-like matter, he left through the wall and slammed the office door as hard as he could.


	6. Poisonous distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is done acting all grown up and responsible. While Snape and he refuse to talk to each other, he decides to spend more time with Ron and his dorm mates. Needless to say, the treacherous simplicity of his new daily life doesn't last at all. On the evening of Ron's birthday, his world comes crashing down on him.

A deafening silence was all Harry heard during the days and nights following Snape’s birthday.

While Ron and Hermione struggled with their own silence and sulking, not that either of them would ever admit it, Harry’s numb feeling stuck with him like resin on trees. Not even the prospect of his next lesson with Dumbledore lightened his mood.

In fact, the more people tried to cheer him up or asked him to train on the pitch, the angrier and sulkier he got.

Nobody knew the reason for his sudden change of mood and the look on his face was encouragement enough not to try and pry.

Standing listlessly in front of Dumbledore’s door, he heard a dark angry voice and Dumbledore’s own, which also sounded overly strained. Him, of all people, Harry thought horrified.

“Do you really understand what you are expecting of me, Albus?”, Snape demanded, sounding exasperated.

“My mind is as quick as ever, Severus. You will manage to fulfil your tasks and I will not have you make fourth years cry before breakfast or at any time of the day. As long as you don’t trust me enough to talk about whichever situation you find yourself in, I confess myself unable to grant you any kind of easement, special treatment or help.” Dumbledore’s cold words made him shiver and Snape growl in frustration.

Never in his life had he heard the powerful but usually friendly wizard use such a tone on anyone, not even on Fudge, Umbridge or Voldemort himself.

Although Harry felt some satisfaction at Snape’s distress, he subconsciously aimed for the door knob know to release them all from this finished argument.

Snape looked like Harry had not been the only one going through hell and back this week. Paler and thinner than on his birthday, he stood in front of Dumbledore’s desk and swirled around. Harry only then recognized he had forgotten to knock.

“I wish you an enjoyable lesson, Albus.”, he drawled sarcastically and stormed out of the office, not even glancing at Harry who instantly regretted his defiant pause in disciplining and training his mind.

Anger which he couldn't control anymore rose anew and he talked his head off to Dumbledore about the conversation between Snape and Malfoy once they were alone.

When Dumbledore determinedly dismissed his underlining mistrust and accusation, Harry’s conscience instantly turned his short peak of triumph into shame and regret.

Not only had he kind of betrayed Snape out of sheer defiance, he even embarrassed himself in front of his other tutor, headmaster and mentor.

Yet again, Harry realized that his temper would get him nowhere we desired to be. Still, he couldn’t help himself.

Somehow amused, Dumbledore quickly distracted him as they found out together about Voldemort’s school years at Hogwarts, his relation to Salazar Slytherin as well as the Gaunts and Riddles and, to highlight the rotten day, they examined together the sluggish memory about horcruxes.

Groaning at the thought of having to convince Slughorn to give him the original memory, Harry never felt more relieved to call it a day when he entered Gryffindor common room later that night.

++++++++++++++

Defence against the Dark Arts got hellish by the day and left both Snape and Harry literally seething more after each lesson.

Even Dean and Seamus, usually supportive of his rebellion against their bullying teacher, calmly asked him to take a step back before Snape lost it eventually one day.

As Ron and Hermione still couldn’t stand each other, Harry somehow managed to tell both of his latest task and though they gave some advice and information to think about, his painful state of numbness wouldn’t leave him at all.

In retrospect, it was no wonder that his idiotic attempt to blatantly ask Slughorn for the information went downhill.

Snape would most likely reprimand him for acting utterly gryffindorish in front of a Slytherin teacher.

He would have been right, of course, but as they were not on speaking terms currently, Harry sulkily dismissed the thought.

To add to his trouble, Slughorn refused to sweet-talk Harry or stay in the same room with him alone any longer. Whatever the true memory was about, Harry had properly underestimated it and worse, its importance, too.

Deep inside him, he knew that one way to resolve at least half of his problems was to simply talk to Snape and sincerely apologize.

Asking him, the unofficial expert in Dark Arts, about horcruxes didn’t seem too stupid either, as Harry recalled him calming down by talking about some professional or theoretical stuff in the past.

Maybe he should finally also show him the Prince’s book as some sort of conciliatory gesture and approach.

After countless considerations and inner fighting, he found himself even more troubled and left alone.

Cringing in mental pain, he ignored the warnings of his sub-consciousness and looked for something else to occupy his mind with.

Marauder’s map in hand, he started spying on an also paler and distressed-looking Malfoy. He had accidently eavesdropped on the Slytherin trio during the newly set apparation lessons and decided to make use of the information he had obtained.

Finally, a tiny spark enlightened inside him as he got to work.

Hermione, disapproving of the spying, his recent stop at occlumency and his strategy with Slughorn altogether, tried to convince Harry that he was not being honest with himself, but he ignored her insufferable berating more often than not.

Rather on the contrary, he got even closer with Ron and his dorm mates. After an eternity, according to them at least, he finally started looking after girls as well.

Not that he had been excluded before; the constant talk about girls, snogging, flirting, sex and other stuff was quite inevitable in the upper year’s male dormitories; he just had decided not to act on it so far. Repeatedly,

Harry passed over the light twinges of conscience for not being wholeheartedly interested in all that blokes’ stuff, as Ron always described it.

One day, when one of those magazines with promiscuous pictures of involved witches and wizards was passed around the common room, he eventually gave in and caught some of the older girl’s gazes. He started smiling, naturally forgetting about Hermione’s warning of hidden love potions.

++++++++++++++

On the morning of Ron’s seventeenth birthday, he wondered if normal boys his age would always only struggle with such carefree and bittersweet worries of who and who not to impress or directly shag.

The day itself was lovely, apart from some awkward hugs from Ginny and Romilda in the middle of the great hall and the usual snide comments from Slytherin house.

Ron and he spent most of the day together and Harry wondered again how nice it must be to constantly live a life like that.

In the evening, when Harry planned another check on Malfoy and tossed Romilda’s box of Chocolate Cauldrons towards a presents-showered Ron, his newly installed castle in the air came to a sudden crash.

Something bad just had had to happen. He was Harry Potter, after all, and no matter what he did or did not, trouble and chaos would find him everywhere.

Bloody love potions and bloody girls, Harry fumed while dragging Ron downstairs to Slughorn and wondered if anything good ever came out of that blasted are with the thrice damnable subject called potions.

Slughorn let them in and was naturally able to help Ron out of his situation, but in the end, it had to be the old master’s infamous liking for pomp, fame and social niceties that broke the camel’s back for real.

Harry panicked in the moment of Ron’s poisoning and reality hit him like the coldest shower in the world.

His heart broke and every fibre and pore of his body screamed in agony and angst to lose his best friend helplessly like he had lost Sirius before.

He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop the violent shaking of his body. Darkness engulfed him.

Unable to think straight, he shouted at Slughorn for help, but he seemed too shocked to move and simply stared at the two teenage boys lying and breaking down on the floor.

Again, Harry found himself facing mortal peril all alone.

He closed his eyes, screaming at his heart to stop panicking.

Control your emotions. Discipline your mind. Snape. Potions. His area of expertise. The question in his first potions lesson. And, how could he forget, the Half-Blood Prince.

Of course.

Hope cleared the air with immense power as Harry jumped over the old-fashioned furniture, stormed into the class room and summoned the Bezoar he cheekily had handed in earlier this day.

They all got lucky, but his heart still raced, even after Slughorn's countless reassurances that Ron was definitely safe, if not out of the woods.

While they carried himthey to the hospital wing, Slughorn alerted Dumbledore who then again alerted Ron's parents and, inevitably, Snape.

Out of nowhere, Harry was close to another real panic attack. What the hell had he been thinking all the time?

Was it really worth fantasizing about Malfoy’s mission and girls if it was not even sure that his best friends would make it out of this school alive?

What illusion had he cherished out of sheer stubbornness and cowardice? And, who would possibly pull such a cruel attempt on someone else’s life?

Whoever it was, that person clearly was not in his or her right senses and needed help.

Harry was so lost in thoughts that he barely recognized the praise from everyone around him. Guilt, shame and fear darkened his mind and his heart ached mercilessly.

His accelerating breathing started to suffocate him. He was done with the world. He was done with himself.

Out of nowhere, strong slender hands dragged him onto another bed in the hospital wing, closing the curtain with a wandless move.

“Breathe with me... In and out... Slowly but steady, Harry… Everything will be fine… In and out… Breathe, Harry… Yes, just like that... In and out… You’ve done well… Shhhh… calm down, Harry… I’m proud of you... Ronald’s fine…” Snape’s low and calm voice finally reached him.

He felt a knot lose in his chest and he started crying and sobbing. Snape held him tight, slowly rocking him for a little while.

“We can’t stay behind the curtain for long, Harry.”, he whispered and Harry violently shook his head.

“But you may come to me anytime. My wards are adjusted to you. I’ll give you a calming draught now, would that be alright?” Harry’s face, drowned in tears, looked up at him and nodded reluctantly.

Snape’s eyes were filled with a mixture of awareness, worry and warmth he had never seen before. Just when he started feeling worse for his petty and harmful behaviour towards the man, a vial was pressed against his lips and he swallowed the bitter fluid instinctively.

A sudden wink signalled him that their time was up and Snape put his usual mask back on. Within a second, Harry was dragged back to the crowd by his collar.

“Potter’s fine now, Headmaster.”, Snape said neutrally. “Well, Harry, you may go now and get some rest. Mr Weasley is in safe hands.”, Dumbledore said in a dismissive tone.

The closer Harry got to Gryffindor tower, the more he felt the numbness take control over him again. He needed to talk to Snape and he needed to do so soon.


	7. The Midnight Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry wakes up in the hospital wing and tries to correct his mistakes. At midnight, someone invisible pays a visit.

Harry groaned. Getting rest was the understatement of the year. He sulked in his hospital bed which had literally became his own, at least according to Madame Pomfrey who claimed that he had never rested in another bed since the first of his countless arrivals.

He had no idea what had happened now to make him inhale the scent of healing potions for an entire night.

His head hurt and he felt like the past days were all mixed up together. Taking deep breaths; he tried to collect his memories.

_After Ron’s poisoning, he had spent the whole day outside the hospital wing with Hermione and Ginny._

_He still had been furious with himself for his self-made distraction and that Ron had almost died because of his stupidity._

_The fact that he hadn’t been able to properly comfort either Ginny or Hermione because of his own discomfort and state of mind, had only driven him further up the wall._

_The two girls had been incredibly clingy and even though he understood that they had sought comfort, his skin had been covered with goosebumps the entire time._

_Among Gryffindor house, it had quickly gotten around that Romilda Vane had apparently spiked the chocolate cauldrons with a love potion._

_Frightened to the core by her recklessness and questionable motivation, Harry had plucked up his courage and asked his two female best friends to learn something about girls and their obviously different way of thinking._

_Also, he surely didn’t want to end like Tom Riddle Senior one day._

_It had been awkward, but bearable and especially Ginny had seemed pleased to take her mind off other things than the poisoning._

_But trouble hadn’t stopped outside of the common room or Ron’s bed, of course. In fact, Hagrid had also overheard an argument between Snape and Dumbledore during which they had fiercely disagreed again on something Snape was tasked or obliged to accomplish._

_Harry had wondered if their argument must have been about the same task they had fought over in the dungeons and Dumbledore’s office and if it had been about the same task which had made Snape break down in Godric’s Hollow in a first place._

_He had wanted to visit the dungeons dearly and before the upcoming Quidditch match, but he had found himself loaded with a schedule so tight that had was left with not even half a free period for a quick cup of tea._

_Regrettably, in this case, Snape’s and his meetings definitely took their time._

_The Quidditch match had arrived in no time and suddenly he knew why his head was killing him: The slimy git called McLaggen had successfully knocked him out during the match._

_If it hadn’t been for Gryffindor house, he would have loved to hex him into next week. Unfortunately, McGonagall’s wrath was a dangerous thing to deal with. Yet here he was._

Harry laid wide awake in his hospital bed and sighed. Now that his memories were sorted, he just felt sick of spying on Malfoy and missing every important point in his own life.

It was not his intention to give up on the spying per se, but he could as well spy on him for Snape in a matter of easing the man’s pressure and repaying him for taking care of him in the hospital wing despite their unreconciled relation.

He owed him, regardless of what Snape had said and done in the past years. Warmth spread through his chest at the thought of Snape’s gentler moments, during which he came to grow fond of the combination of compassion, wit and sarcasm.

Next, he remembered their very first encounter five and a half years earlier. The Bezoar. His long-term memory had remembered as well.

So much for not remembering anything from school, Harry thought with a wry smile and called for Kreacher whose appearance woke up Ron, to his delight.

Of course, his elf needed the loophole-safest instructions to ensure that he really obeyed his orders, but Dobby, who had joined Kreacher rather surprisingly, seemed more than eager to help. Two heads were better than one.

Once the two unlike elves had disapparated, Ron went back to sleep almost immediately while Harry’s mind took pride in keeping him awake.

Fortunately, as he had to admit. The moment the clock stroke midnight, the winged doors swung open and someone invisible entered the room.

Had Ron’s almost assassin come back to finish what he had started?

There was no time to dwell on that, Harry decided. Wand at the ready; he jumped off his bed, ignored the jabbing pain in his head and, of course, ran straight into the invisible intruder.

A squeak and a lifted disillusionment charm later and Harry’s green eyes locked with none other than Snape’s black pair.

“Better not wake him, ey?”, Snape breathed into his ear and gently pushed him down on the bed again, casting a privacy charm.

“How are you?”, he went on and soundlessly laughed at Harry’s gawking, who was definitely too baffled to respond.

“Reckless Gryffindor brat that you are. Do you know how bad it looked for you when that idiot knocked you off your broom? Miss Weasley almost skinned him alive.”

Finally, Harry’s muscles twitched and he smiled shyly. “Bet you would’ve loved to see that, don’t you?”, he said and Snape winked for the second time ever.

“Why did you come, Sir?”, Harry wanted to know.

“I came because you managed to excuse yourself of making the infamous first step – I know, you didn’t plan to. I daresay say we have wasted enough time being idiots.”, Snape replied, his face unidentifiable.

“Were you afraid?”, Harry asked shyly and blushed like a child.

“If you could see yourself flying, you wouldn’t need to ask that question.”

Neither dared to look at the other. Out of the blue, Harry couldn’t hold back any longer.

“I’m sorry. I’ve behaved like an idiot during the past weeks. I was so petty, so pathetic… Can you believe that I really thought I could be a normal boy for once? …I made so many mistakes... Fell back into old patterns once more. I’m so sorry… Then you came and helped me… It’s just… I don’t deserve…”

“Harry!”, Snape exclaimed, but Ron didn’t so much as stir. Harry thought he had heard him wrong.

“I’ve been an idiot, too, and this is not only limited to the past few weeks. During our… relapse, I realized many things and I would like to go back to where we already were. Well, that means if you would like to as well?” His question was barely audible.

Harry lifted his head and saw that Snape’s hollow cheeks were blushed as well and his eyes displayed the same mixture of discomfort and relief as Harry’s.

“I’m so happy you’re here.”, Harry gasped.

“See me when you’re released, okay? I must leave now. And start calling me by my name during our lessons, will you? It may help.”, Snape said, naturally getting the answer.

For a brief moment, Harry wondered if the man had been hit by a bludger as well. A smile spread across his mouth.

“I guess it’s Severus, then.”, he grinned weakly, paying massive attention to pronouncing the name as soft and melodic as possible.

“Sleep well, Harry. And take care of that head of yours.” Within a second, Snape had become invisible again.


	8. Who we really are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deep talk. Hurt and comfort. Harry subconsciously puts two and two together. Snape is breaking down again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer and intense chapter with little details and small tributes to some characters of the books.
> 
> If the paragraphs are still too large, please let me know. Thank you and enjoy! :)

It was a perfect Friday afternoon and Harry couldn’t wait for classes to end. To his relief and honest delight, Ron and Hermione had eventually apologized and got along again.

He was more than pleased to finally see how much of their bickering and debates were simply based on the fact that they deeply cared for each other.

In the end, nothing felt the same without his two best friends and their common determination. Ron’s ease and Hermione’s ambition were a power of its own when they were together.

Not to mention the loyalty and bravery all three of them shared. He honestly considered himself the luckiest boy alive for having these two as friends.

On his way to the dungeons, he was nevertheless glad to escape the common room for a couple of hours.

The reconciliation between Ron and Hermione had caused a lot of gossip among the girls, while the boys were rather upset with Ginny who recently had dumped Dean.

After feeling Ginny’s glances on him for almost an hour straight, Harry felt conflicted whether to tell Ron about his assumption or not. Luckily, it had been time to go.

“Enter.”, Snape welcomed him from his desk in his usual stern tone.

“Good evening, Si- Severus.”, Harry said. He recognized the drawn wand far too late and a powerful _Legilimens_ already hit him.

Snape scratched his shields mercilessly and it didn’t take long until Harry lost all control for the first time in a while.

To make it worse, the memory Snape had seen was the one about his pondering in the hospital wing.

“You really stopped practising, did you?”, Snape stated and as much as he tried to avoid any subline of disappointment and anger, he failed.

“I told you that I was an idiot.”, Harry defended himself.

“Harry, do you know that you couldn’t give a better present to the Dark Lord than this? Not being prepared and vigilant all the time will cause much more harm than poisoned Met and cursed necklaces.”

“Can’t the bastard wait until I’m at least of age? I’m sixteen, damnit, and things are weird enough without that maniac.”, Harry whined.

“A sixteen years old wailing like six years old. I shall pass the note and maybe the Dark Lord will go on a holiday until your birthday.”, Snape replied sarcastically.

“How about a couch and a pot of tea then? I think a talk is in order.”, Harry asked and took the thin smile as his go. Just like last time, Snape prepared some big pots of tea and stared down on the beige rug.

“I’d like to make a confession, Severus.”, Harry began bravely.

“I’m listening.”

“I guess you still wonder why I have gotten so good at potions. In fact, I used a bezoar the same day in class before Ron was poisoned and remembered your inquisition from first year only later. What I want to confess is the help I receive in potions.” At Snape’s baffled expression, he raised a hand.

“No, Slughorn does not help me, nor do Hermione or anybody else.”, he emphasized as Snape’ expression turned into a warning glare.

“I decided last minute to take NEWT potions and therefore had to use an old book from the school’s supply. We guess it’s at least fifty years old. However, there are many instructions written in the book, sometime whole recipes changed and additionally, the owner must have also created some new spells.” He cleared his throat.

“I know it is kind of cheating, but reading the comments and explanations actually helps me understand potions better than ever before. And I like the way that boy talks, I like his humour and his wit.” Harry was in such a bliss that he didn’t notice Snape turning pale.

The potions master looked at him like a hunter for prey, eyebrows furrowed, eyes focused on Harry, jaw clenched. “Let me get this straight, Harry.”, he said calmly. This was a bad sign indeed.

“You got your hands on an old school book whose previous owner you don’t know at all and who has apparently toyed with approved potion instructions and experimented with spells. But since you like the way that person writes, you were absolutely fine using those instructions without telling anyone and shamelessly getting the credit for somebody else’s work.”

By the matter-of-factly and bewildered tone, Harry was strongly reminded of Hermione’s berating. By chance, it was Snape who knew better how to make his point in order to get Harry to truly think beyond the end of his nose.

“Urgh… yes.”, he just stammered and didn’t resist the wave of shame inside him. A dangerous silence followed. He didn’t dare to breathe.

“Are you completely out of your mind?”, Snape exploded. His fury let the air vibrate and glass ampules jingle.

“Potter, no - Harry, do you know how bad this could have ended? Do you know that someone bad could have accidently tampered with the recipes, aiming for an accident or murder of someone? Didn’t you gain enough experience with manipulated books when you were twelve?”, he berated him and struggled remaining seated on this armchair.

Harry’s eyes filled with tears and he hid his face in embarrassment and sadness. This was worse than Hermione. This was worse than Remus’ quiet lecture in third year.

Snape sighed and forced himself to calm down, at least verbally. His body shook relentlessly.

“Listen, Harry. I am not angry that you tried something different. I am concerned for your well-being. I guess you trusted this book after the first successful attempts at brewing and didn’t mind to explore its contents a little.” Harry nodded and miserably failed at suppressing his sobs.

“I do understand that desire, I do like to experiment myself. But Harry, your friends wouldn’t want you to be harmed or killed. Not in an unnecessary accident, not by him. Speaking of; we somehow rely on you in this war and I don’t want to see the day when he discovers that you have successfully gotten rid of yourself. In fact, none of your friends would live to tell that tale.”, Snape continued.

“What do you know about the person who wrote those alternations in the book?”

Green eyes, visibly puffed, searched the black ones and Harry wiped his tears off his flushed cheeks. “There’s only a nickname. I guess it was a boy, but there is no guarantee. Have you ever heard of the Half-Blood Prince?”

Snape, who looked more peaceful now that Harry finally started talking, swayed a little while sitting. His mind seemed to work at top speed, just like Remus’s had in third year. However, neither his eyes nor his face nor colour of his cheeks betrayed anything that might have been going on inside him.

“Bring me the book. Now.”, he just said and couldn’t hide his surprise as Harry just pulled it out of his pocket and handed it over after a quick ‘ _Engorgio’_.

“Believe me, I wanted to tell you for quite some time now. All I did was replacing its cover to prevent a total falling apart. Inside, it remains unchanged.”

Snape studied every page warily; his fingers even stroke the spiky handwriting of the Half-Blood Prince.

Of course, Harry thought, as a potions master, he must be fascinated beneath his anger. While Snape continued his study without haste, Harry decided to take a real look at his living room.

Dim green lights added to the Slytherin style which seemed extended to the whole dungeons. Two small windows, magically enchanted he guessed, showed the Hogwarts lands.

The window frames looked like pieces from another century with beautiful twisted flower tendrils of lilies and daffodils. An antique bureau stood in the otherwise empty space between them; covered in stacks of parchment.

Harry mused whether they were students’ essays or some documentation of his other work. Though, spies didn’t actually document their spying, did they? Maybe some notes on experimental potions then.

A small dining table with one chair only stood in the remaining corner of the room, overloaded bookshelves behind it.

“Are you done with your discovery tour, Harry?”, Snape asked and to Harry’s relief, the venomous tone was gone. Snape cleared his throat.

“You may use this book and its alterations if you promise to reproduce why they were made. Otherwise, you may understand but never recall. Think of starting your own notebook for example.” Harry nodded in shock. This was not what he had expected.

“You are most definitely forbidden to use any of the spells. They are not approved and therefore potentially dangerous.” Ah, there was the catch.

“What about ‘ _Levicorpus’_?”, Harry tried. “It’s not dangerous.”

“No, it is not. Unless you consider hanging muggles upside down during public events or tormenting fellow students by the black lake.” Hermione again, Harry thought and hated to admit that her point had only gotten stronger.

“I’m sorry, Severus. I should have thought from the start.”, he apologized earnestly. Snape just nodded. The mention of _Levicorpus_ must have brought back several bad memories, including the pensieve incident last year.

“I was proud seeing Mum defend you that day.”, he added cautiously, but Snape already flinched at the mention of his mother.

“Your mother used to be there for people when no one else was. She had quite a big heart and an evenly brave and fierce temper.” He halted, withdrawn in memories.

“In third year, she had no qualms about attacking a Slytherin seventh year with her bare fists for calling her a mudblood. Said she felt like being hit like a muggle would cause much more shame than simply hexing him. Rumour has it that this Slytherin’s son also knows what a muggleborn witch’s fist feels like in his face.”

A smile showed on both men’s faces and Harry recognized the fond undertone in Snape’s wistful revelation. It sounded exactly as evenly sad and happy as Sirius’ memories of James and the Marauders.

“Thank you for telling me.”, Harry whispered with happy tears in his eyes. “Remus said something similar about her. He was actually the first to tell me something about her, I mean about her as a witch and person.”

“May I come over to you?”, Snape asked out of the blue.

Taken aback, Harry shrugged and moved to the outer edge of the couch. Less than twenty centimetres separated the two of them as Snape sat down and watched his eyes in awe.

“You have her eyes, that’s true. The almond shape, the emerald spark. But the longer I see them, I have to say that your green is a hint darker than hers, as long as you don’t occlude.”

Harry’s blush increased. “My eyes get lighter when I occlude?”

“That’s what I said, Harry. You’re the only one I know with this ability. It seems like you just can’t be normal, not even when it comes to the most basic logical contexts like this.” Harry stuck his tongue out and Snape laughed.

“Mind your cheek. Calling me by my first name does not grant you a carte blanche. I still may assign detentions or lines to you.” Snape sounded anything but serious.

“Pity. For a moment, I thought you were just a man I like talking to. Came to like.”, Harry grinned and Snape suddenly sighed.

“You know, for a boy who spent his childhood with abusive dolts and finds himself in the most dangerous situations ever since, you are incredibly bold, affectionate and kind.”

Harry pulled a face. “What? I thought you like me just as a man. And I just complimented you.”, Snape said irritated.

“I do. But you said boy. I’m almost of age.”

“Well, adolescent it is.”

“Too hard for you to use simple words like ‘man’, right?”, Harry muttered under his beard and promptly felt a smack against his arm. “Oi! What was that for?”, he complained.

“You are not a fully-grown man, Harry, and you know it. Lucky for you that time is favourable in this case, isn’t it?”, Snape retorted playfully.

“Am I allowed to call you an old man once I am of age?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Okay, then I need you to invent a potion that turns me into Peter Pan.”, he grinned.

“What sense would that make? You are contradicting yourself.”

Harry’s grin widened. “That’s what I wanted to hear. According to you, professor, man, potions master and head of Slytherin house, it is utter rubbish to never grow up. Since I am a good student, I stick with your opinion and time will automatically make me a fully-grown man and allow me to call you an old man one day on top.”

“Shut it. Don’t play Slytherin moves with me, foolish Gryffindor brat.”, Snape growled with dancing sparks in his dark eyes that reminded Harry of shooting stars.

Half in awe, half serious, Harry narrowed his eyes in a mixture of sulk and cheek. “Would you feel better if I open-heartedly said that I want you to see grow old and not die at thirty-something because of a blasted unbreakable vow?”

Snape raised his eyebrow and summoned more tea. Harry instantly wanted to smack himself for the remark. Naturally, he had been Gryffindorish as hell and earned himself this well-deserved serious atmosphere that immediately had come up.

“Don’t worry, Harry. That was enough joking around anyway. It’s time to face reality again. What do you want to know about the vow?”, Snape said softly, looking through his pot into nowhere.

“Why did you agree to it?”, was his first question, spoken out within a second.

“Because mothers tend to do anything to protect their children. Who am I to deny someone I’ve known for so lang such a plea? Who am I to bring even more misery to this world?” Sadness billowed around them.

“So, Malfoy’s in danger and causing danger at the same time.”, Harry stated and Snape rolled his eyes.

“Think, for Merlin’s sake. Being associated with the Dark Lord does not protect you from harm or danger if you remember.”, Snape said grimly.

“Doesn’t one willingly join him?” Harry’s words slipped his lips. He most urgently needed to pick up his daily training sessions, starting this evening. “That came out the wrong way. I’m sorry.”

Snape simply shrugged and his demeanour remained stoic and distanced. “You’re right. A truth is still a truth, no matter how ugly it may be.”

“I’m sorry for sounding merciless and condemning.”

“Is willingly joining a magical racist with fantasies of omnipotence and a liking for cruelty and violence not something to be condemned for?”, Snape huffed.

Harry waited a couple of minutes before he responded. Every essential part from his years at Hogwarts, every encounter with Dumbledore, every moment with Sirius and Remus came to his mind.

“Generally, one could be arguing like that and I think that’s how the Ministry argued, too, at least when Crouch Senior was there. Imagine how quick they would have found out about Pettigrew if Sirius had been granted a real trial. But he was already condemned.” Snape flinched. Apparently, he hadn’t known that either.

“You didn’t answer my question.”, he just said.

Harry sighed. He didn’t expect Snape to lick his wounds. “People are born with different dispositions. You know that. Some people get luckier than others. Some people always seem to be on the sunny side. Some people are mentally stronger than others. How about those who got lured and tricked into darkness by someone like Vol- him?” Snape didn’t react.

“How about those growing up in bad neighbourhoods and having trouble getting out of their surroundings, having trouble establishing a good life? How about those who make a mistake once, change and regret it?”

Harry sighed. “I’m not talking about unforgivable crimes like murder, torture or something like that and that there is an excuse for everything. A bad thing remains a bad thing, ethically and morally reprehensible, but there is a reason why muggles have different legal classifications for crimes.”

Snape shrugged.

“It’s about the details as well. It’s about making choices and if they were bad ones, thinking them over and making new choices again. It’s about that we are what we choose to be. We are not restricted to where we come from. We can choose.”

Snape turned his head away from Harry who felt his body tense even more. Harry didn’t know why he himself felt this agitated. Maybe it was because Snape didn’t think well of himself at all, despite mimicking the ever so confident and composed teacher.

Maybe Snape had thought he could make an unbreakable vow because his life was worthless due to joining the death eaters. He already had mentioned something about wanting to die in the graveyard. When Snape still refused to say anything, he took a bold step forward.

“Do you really think you are a bad person because you joined him years ago? I don’t want to excuse it or say it was a good thing to do. Gods, no. But even I can put two and two together and feel that you are obviously atoning for it by risking your life every single day and helping Dumbledore, helping me.”

“I don’t know what made you finally join and later betray him and I don’t want you to tell me unless you really want to. But ever since we decided on getting along with each other, I come to think that deep down, you are quite a nice and caring person, regardless your past. Hence the unbreakable vow. A racist, maniac or cold-blooded criminal wouldn’t risk his own life for the boy of a mother he knows.”

Harry panted heavily and Snape’s apathy drove him towards maximum effort. “Sirius once said that the world was not split into good people and death eaters. I know you hated him, but he’s got a point. There’s light and dark inside every one of us. Ask my friends… no, just ask them theoretically. The thing that matters is the part we choose to act on, you know. That’s who we really are.”

Snape finally turned around, face wet and eyes as puffed as Harry’s had been when they started their conversation. “You have… Potter, Harry… you have no idea… no clue… you… how do you do it? Why are you like this?”, he stammered in sheer agony.

“Do what? Am what? Explain it to me, please.”, Harry replied as softly as possible.

“How did you not decide to act on your ‘dark side’ after all you’ve been through, after the treatment you received at Petunia’s? How can you still believe there’s something good inside me when I joined the man who is obsessed with killing you? The man who murdered your parents?” His voice shook violently, as did his body.

“All I do is doing whatever it takes to get rid of him, of them for good. My life has no other meaning. I’ve come to terms with it. It just hurts to hear you say such things to someone like-”

Harry grabbed the slender hand with the potions and ink stains on the fingers. Snape instantly stopped talking and just stared at their intertwined hands.

“So, you’ve stopped living at some point. Just know that if you want to, you can still decide to stop existing and start living again. Or living at all. I don’t know how I’m doing it, don’t even know ‘it’ is, but I know I always felt like giving in and up was not an option. Basically, I just feel and trust my intuition. And I got lucky, I gues.”

“I’m protecting Draco because I want him to have a choice.”, Snape admitted hesitantly. Just like Dumbledore and his story about seeing socks in the Mirror of Erised, Harry was sure that this was only part of the truth, but he knew better than to pry or push.

“You know,”, he replied instead, “I don’t know much about your early years and the things I have seen… well, I don’t have to explain. What I want to say is that after all you’ve been through, you still managed to choose the light. Twice, if you count that vow.” Snape pulled a face.

“Severus, I don’t want you to die and I don’t think you deserve condemnation. You are not a bad person. Certainly, pleasant only to those you decide to let in, unbelievably mean and maddening to the rest of the world, but you are not a bad person. At least not anymore. I’m honoured that you started showing me who you truly are. I really am.”

Harry’s body was on fire. Nerves on the edge; his heart bled until he realized what he just had said to Snape. Wearing his tongue on his sleeve, if less and less frequently, his mouth would be the death of him one day if Voldemort would take his time much longer.

“Did anyone ever tell you anything like this?” Harry’s final question was a hushed whisper and made both of them shiver. Snape continued staring at their hands. His lank hair hung in his face again and behind the black curtains, Harry could see his tear-stained cheeks and wet eyes.

“Your mother, quite often. Never with the same penetrating determination like you, but she told me. Expressed herself clearly, even explained why she believed in the world like Dumbledore sees it. Limited by myself, I guess I was too narrow-minded regarding all those things… call them humanity, emotional intelligence… I don’t care. I’m stubborn and sometimes, my sick pride takes the better part of me. You know the memory.”

“Mum didn’t forgive you, did she? This is why you said in the-“

“-I know what I said, Harry. And yes, your mother drew the line after the incident. Even then I was too stubborn. I’m not good with people and social things.”

“You’re getting better at it. I can tell.”, Harry said honestly.

“Thank you for sharing your heart, empathy and wisdom with me.”, Snape said earnestly. He had called him wise. Harry played the sentence on and on in his mind, not being able to detect any hint of sarcasm, insult or despair.

“I’m happy you listened to my monologues. Thank you.”, he whispered and clasped his hand a little. Snape cleared his throat again.

“You’ll never hear me say this again, but I am glad to know the things you told me about Lupin, Black and your father. Especially about him. I’m happy for your mother that her husband tried to save and protect you two when other’s failed or were too naïve and blinded to see the rather obvious. His Animagus form is a rat, for Merlin’s sake.”

Harry just smiled at him and ignored the prickling tears in his eyes.

“You have inherited a lot from your mother, though your father’s traits cover it well. However, after all you’ve accomplished so far, after your progresses and relapses, I’d say that you are neither a carbon copy of him nor her.” Snape’s face was scarlet and Harry didn’t need to guess that this admission must have cost all of his willpower.

“Mum-hug?”, Harry asked with a comforting smile on his face instead and Snape leaned in. Getting more and more familiar with the man’s intoxicating scent, Harry closed his eyes and enjoyed the closeness and vulnerability of their situation.

The beauty of Snape’s words about his parents and his own character overwhelmed him. Never had he thought that Snape would be the first adult to state that he was just Harry. Not James Potter, not the boy with his mother’s eyes, not the chosen one, not the child-who-lived.

“I’m sorry that this was all about me. I originally planned it the other way around.”, Snape whispered into Harry’s wild black hair who was tickled by his long streaks, covered in lank potions fumes.

“Stop apologizing this instant. I learned a lot today and I’m sure we meet again. Besides, this is never only about you. I’m Harry Potter, after all.”, he answered cheekily and took Snape’s poke into his side with kind laughter.


	9. The Darkest and the Purest kind of Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry pays Snape a visit after one of the most crucial meetings with Dumbledore. In between horcruxes and patroni, they somehow manage to learn from their mistakes.

„Severus. Wake up, Severus! “, Harry shouted and shook the small frame of his newly almost most-favourite professor at Hogwarts.

“What – how the hell did you get into my bedroom?”, Snape shouted back, the tip of his wand already pressed against Harry’s neck.

“Christ, you’re fast.”, he blurted in response and Severus fell back onto his bed with the Slytherin-green covers.

“I knew I would regret the day I allowed you free access to my quarters. Now, get out of here and wait on your spot on the couch.”

Harry almost danced out of the bedroom as the words sunk in. Snape considered the place he usually sat on his own. He liked the idea.

Although it had only been two days since their final reconciliation and the rather emotional evening, Harry had caught himself daydreaming countless times about the next time he would be invited to Snape’s very own part of the dungeons.

Tonight, however, there was no invitation needed. Eyes laying on the bookshelves, Harry’s thought went back to the confused look on Hermione’s face when he had claimed to prefer working in the silence of the library earlier this evening.

He hadn’t exactly lied to her, rather omitted the fact that he wanted to search for old registers of Hogwarts students and maybe some special awards to find out more about the Half-Blood Prince.

It had been nice to study alone for a while, at least until Luna had shown up and told him about his next lesson with Dumbledore.

“Please tell me there is a good a reason you’re ruining my night’s rest, Harry.”, Snape drawled from behind, fully clothed in his black frock, trousers and teacher’s robes.

“Rumour has it you never sleep at all.”, Harry retorted and grabbed his pot of tea straight from the still hovering tablet.

“Idiot brats. If you’d spend at least half the time of your gossip with your studies, Minerva and I wouldn’t have to throw a fit every few days.”

“You are friends with McGonagall?”, Harry exclaimed.

“Professor McGonagall, Harry. I wouldn’t call it friendship but we share some common grounds.”

“Like drowning students in hard work.”, Harry grumbled and promptly received a smack from across the table.

“Mind your cheek. If I were you, I’d be grateful for every training and knowledge I got.”, Snape lectured. “Now, why are you here?”

Harry took a large gulp of the delicious infusion and finally opened up about the meeting with Dumbledore after which he had gone straight to the dungeons.

He told him about their suspicion about horcruxes, Voldemort’s desire to teach DADA, the murder of Hepzibah Smith and Voldemort’s last meeting with Dumbledore before he finally lost his humanity.

He also confessed his conversation with Slughorn and the complication he faced ever since.

With every memory he reported, Snape paled significantly and when Harry finally concluded with the likely reason for the curse on the Defence against the Dark Arts post, he looked like ghost.

“I wondered if you knew what a horcrux is? Hermione just found a book in the library that refused to give any information due to the darkness of those things. Can you imagine her frustration?” Snape’s hands trembled and he seemed spaced out, unable to respond.

“Severus, what is wrong with you? Did the curse hit you?”, Harry panicked and cringed as Snape jumped to his feet, almost losing his balance.

He rushed towards his bookshelves, brusquely wiping some rolls of parchment off the dinner table.

“This can’t be… simply impossible… what is he thinking… what, why… FUCK!” His yelling grew louder and louder and Harry didn’t dare to make a sound.

Snape cursing like his friends could have been funny if the circumstances hadn’t caused such alarming reactions.

“We don’t know for sure, Severus. I failed approaching Slughorn for the original memory.”

“That’s an understatement, Harry. But Slughorn’s reaction proves your assumption more than not, unfortunately.” Snape stood right in front of his bookshelves, scanning them frantically.

“I never want you to touch any of those books without my permission. Do you hear me? The restricted section is a piece of cake compared to some of these works.”, he added harshly.

“Got it.”, Harry agreed quickly. His worry about the man, who looked like he was close to a cardiac arrest, grew by the second.

“Will you sit down again, Severus?”, he dared to ask, voice trembling overcautiously.

Snape sighed first, but decided to return, a wry smile on his face. “Feeling lonely?”, he smirked.

Embarrassed, Harry blushed but Snape gently patted the crown of his head. “I was joking, dunderhead.”, he whispered dryly, but the insult lacked of the usual force and wickedness.

Instead, his gaze betrayed the usual composure by showing raw panic and profound shock. “No doubt, the Dark Lord is even more dangerous and insane than I suspected him to be. This is frightening news.”, he whispered.

Whatever horcruxes were, it must have troubled Snape so much that he accidently dropped his shields.

“What can we do?”, Harry asked and fought the urge to panic as well. Snape snorted and rolled his eyes.

“We continue our work. You will train harder and make up for your missed practices. I will do some research… If I may give you some advice on Slughorn: Now that he’s alerted and clearly wants to protect himself, think of every encounter with him and try to find his weakest spot. We will figure something out afterwards.”

Harry nodded.

“Do you know if patroni can change?”, he asked suddenly and hoped that Snape would take the bait. He was tired and exhausted and talking about horcruxes drained his energy immensely.

“Why do you want to know?”, Snape asked blankly. He, too, seemed pleased with the change of subject.

“To be honest, I wanted to change the subject. There has been a conversation at the Burrow that left me quite unsatisfied. It was reasons for a change of patronus forms.”, he admitted.

“Who have you been talking to?”

“Remus. Before Mrs Weasley nagged him a bit. I didn’t understand.” The stern and stirred expression on Snape’s face vanished.

“Of course, you didn’t.”, he smiled almost too softly. “Patroni are one of the purest and most private kinds of magic in our world, they’re intimate even. You know how we conjure it and how other’s do. Let’s just assume that Tonks who is despite her clumsiness an incredible powerful and empathic witch, used the common way”. Harry wanted to interrupt but Snape just raised a hand.

“Until one day, something strong occurred that dominated the memory she had used so far and now, she fiends herself confronted with new powerful emotions. It’s just a theory, but I think as long as these emotions are not settled or reciprocated in reality, they will cause too much perturbation to be used for a stable and fully-developed patronus.”

“You mean like the emotion must be both mentally and rationally locked in place?”

“The emotion must be definite and resistant against any outer trouble or change. At least if you conjure the patronus the way we do. As I said, I only suspect Tonks to have discovered it. I know I shouldn't have mocked her in September, in case you wanted to talk about that.”

Harry ignored the reference, knowing that Snape had probably been caught in his personal viscious circle of his social awkwardness, role-playing and bitter disposition.

“Are you saying that our way might be one that people more or less willingly choose after facing a staggering experience?", he asked instead.

“Now, that wouldn’t be something nice and powerful, would it?”, Severus asked rhetorically. Something in his gaze made Harry recognize that he was being tested.

Well, maybe it was time to give their patronus talk a second chance, he mused.

“Thinking of my murdered parents’ truly is not. But thinking that they loved each other and me so much that they were selflessly ready to sacrifice themselves fills me with so much love. It’s overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like only the most extreme situation let us realize how much love there is inside us.”

Snape suddenly got up and went to the beautiful enchanted windows. Absently, he brushed the richly decorated frames with his fingers and stared at the Hogwarts lands, currently showing Hagrid’s hut and the forbidden forest.

“Severus?” Harry had a bad feeling, but he had to try. He felt like both of them were ready for it.

“Harry?”

“Did you ever feel like that?”

Snape didn’t reply. Instead, he grimaced and flinched, as if the question itself caused great physical pain on him.

The way his hands moved towards his face, tears must have welled up in his eyes and his breathing got irregular. Harry immediately jumped towards him and laid a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. That was insensitive.”, Harry excused and felt incredibly bad. “I shouldn’t have pried. I was just…”

“Curious, I know.”, Snape croaked. “It’s okay, Harry. That’s just who you are. I think you have your answer. Would you mind leaving me alone? And don't forget to practice and work on Slughorn. This is essential.”

Harry reluctantly nodded. He rather stayed with Snape and made sure the man didn’t break down again, but after the past couple months, he fought off his stubbornness and turned to leave.

“You know where to find me.”, he said before the blank stone wall consumed him.


	10. The Male Nurse and the Bright Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Half-Blood Prince's spells ensnare Harry's senses. When Snape's classes are cancelled, he decides to investigate. Includes a guest appearance of Dobby and the begin of the sexual awakening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the obvious and subliminal aspects of this chapter. Since we've reached the last third of the sixth book, the following chapters will build up on this one especially and significantly increase in tension, both in storyline and slash.
> 
> Thank you for your kudos, bookmarks and comments - I really enjoy sharing this story with you :)

Poring over the Half-Blood Prince’s book, Harry tried to exclude the ever-lasting noise in the Gryffindor common room until he had enough and went upstairs to his dorm.

Still unsatisfied with the prompt ending of Snape’s and his last encounter, he had tried to sulk himself into a detention during Defence class.

Instead, Snape, who had been in an outstandingly nasty mood, had just humiliated him in a way he had not expected at all.

Brooding, he felt sorry for Ron who had gotten himself a detention for defending him and probably being right on top.

If they ever were to cross paths with a dead corpse, the quickest way to distinguish a ghost from an Inferius was would forever be a quick check on the body's transparency. 

To his utmost relief, the notes from the Half-Blood Prince never ceased to offer him a great deal of distraction and comfort.

By now, Harry seemed to stumble upon a spell called ‘Sectumsempra’ on a regular basis. Next to it, the simple information ‘For enemies’ was written in the same spiky and narrow handwriting.

He wondered what the spell would do to an enemy and if he might be able to force Malfoy’s secret out of the worse and worse looking bastard.

The only thing holding him back was Snape’s interdiction to use those spells any longer. On second thought, with Snape behaving unnecessarily nasty towards him, he didn’t feel as bound to his words as after their late-night talks on his couch.

After all, no one knew of their meetings and as a Gryffindor, his actions and possible consequences were McGonagall’s responsibility.

On the other hand, if he used the spell and McGonagall was to find out, Snape would know rather sooner than later which would automatically destroy their retrieved and increasing trust.

The moment he closed the book, his struggle vanished and he wondered why he had even started the inner debate.

With sworn finality, he decided not to use this or any other spell unless he was left with no other option.

Harry sighed and brushed the dark red covers of his four-poster bed absently with his fingers. Hedwig had kept him company during his brooding and now that he saw her fly away through on of the arched windows of the lion’s den, he only understood her reproachful yellow gaze.

She, too, did not seem too fond of the Half-Blood Prince and his decision either.

Slyly grinning, Harry pulled back the drapes of his bed and got ready to got downstairs. He could keep his decision, morally grey as it was, from both Snape and his best friends by using his regained and even improved occlumency skills.

It had taken him two especially tough practices until he had been back on track and he thought that a little field test was in order. At least, he had promised not to use the spell out of boredom, recklessness or curiosity, had he?

Downstairs in the otherwise empty common room, – Dean, Neville and Seamus were likely out with girls or in the seventh-year dorm – Hermione’s rants about Harry not making progress with Slughorn was thankfully interrupted as Kreacher and Dobby apparated with a loud _bang_ and told them about their findings.

How could he have been so ignorant? If it were not for Ron and Hermione, Harry would have run to Snape immediately, but his best friends insisted to go to bed and after all his previous cunning, his head provided him zero excuses to sneak out.

Upstairs again, he listened to Ron’s rant about Ginny’s dating habits and how he could never understand that someone with a former crush on Harry would just go and date almost every other boy of their year.

Harry secretly grimaced at the thought of Ginny having a crush on him as he still didn’t feel particular comfortable with the woman body and all the stuff, pictures and imaginations his classmates bragged and argued about.

He couldn’t care less about tender breasts, constant chatter, courting and snogging some girl, especially if said person was his best friend’s sister and a dear friend of his. No, he definitely got other things on his mind and wouldn’t give in to those things again.

++++++++

Days passed and Harry got grumpier and more reserved than during his whole fifth year. Once more, he found himself trapped as Slughorn constantly escaped him and Malfoy managed to stay hidden in the Room of Requirement.

The bastard had managed to prevent anyone from entering the room, just as the DA had kept out Filch or Umbridge last year.

To his greater misfortune, Snape hadn’t shown up once in the great hall and his lessons were overtaken by McGonagall which had caused quite the uproar.

If rumours were true, Snape had never missed one single class since he started at Hogwarts fifteen long years ago.

McGonagall, whom Harry hadn’t really listened to even though defensive transfiguration appeared interesting and useful, had scolded him in her own stern way and Hermione’s well-meant lecture grated on his nerves for hours. His nerves were on the edge.

When Ron and Hermione lost it that night with him while they were alone in the common room, Harry wordlessly stormed off and ran to the dungeons.

He couldn’t stand it anymore, whatever it was.

The office door swung open at his mere appearance and the stone wall let him pass as usual.

Thanking Merlin and all muggle gods, Harry knew that Snape’s absence had nothing to with their last conversation or else, the professor would have made sure to not have a repetition of nighty surprise visits.

The hearth in the living room was cold as stone and there were no noise or light coming out of Snape’s bedroom. The small kitchenette was also deserted and didn’t look like it had been used for days.

Harry wondered if Snape had been sent on a mission, like Dumbledore had ordered Remus to live with the werewolves. Worry ate him from the inside.

He still wasn’t sure about Snape’s answer to his last question. He could have either felt love like Harry had and lost it or never felt it at all.

Putting the growing number of pieces together he had learned about him, Harry strongly suspected the latter to be true and embraced the sadness that hit him intensely with all of his compassion and empathy.

Snape just seemed like one of those guys who never got lucky at all and his rather sour, sarcastic, temperamental and spiteful personality was likely based on that, at least had grown on it. Where could he be?

Just then, the _crack_ of an apparating house elf echoed faintly in the cave-like dungeon room. If Snape was not in his office, kitchenette, living or bedroom, he was probably –

“Bathroom.”, Harry gasped and summoned his bravery to walk through the bedroom and faced another small door which had just appeared in front of him.

Knocking once, he entered and found himself in a white marbled bathroom which was very unlike the rest of Snape’s quarters.

On the right side, just below another magical window frame with ornaments of lilies and daffodils, there stood a bronze cauldron-shaped bath tub, hosting a more or less conscious human.

“Severus!”, Harry squealed in shock and sprinted to the tub. The potions master slowly turned and faced him, covered all over in cuts and bruises.

“You may become visible again, elf!”, he instructed weakly. “It’s just Harry Potter.”

Harry’s eyebrows furrowed in cluelessness until a familiar looking house-elf tugged at his sleeve.

“Harry Potter!”, Dobby squeaked in his high-pitched voice, wearing a bathing cap instead of his regular hat.

“Dobby knew Harry Potter has the biggest heart of all. Dobby knew Harry Potter would find a way to help brave Master Snape after bad-“

“That’s enough, Dobby.”, Snape interrupted but Harry already understood. There had been a meeting and it hadn’t gone well. “You may go.”

“But, Sir!”, Dobby protested. “Dobby is not finished bathing you. Dobby has to apply the healing shampoo on you. Master Dumbledore said so.”

“I’ve got help, as you just said.”, Snape stated firmly and glared at the agitated house elf. “Please, Dobby. I am grateful for your help but I am sure there are other services you have to attend to. If there should be a next time, you may come back.”

Harry was impressed. Snape knew exactly how to address the over-eagerly elf who never took a simple “no” for an answer. Tears welled up in the big yellow eyes and Dobby bowed happily in front of the tub and Harry.

“Urgh, Dobby. Could you remain as quiet about this as you are about… you know?”, Harry intervened quickly.

“Dobby knows exactly. Dobby is honoured to help such great wizards. Good night, Sirs.” With another _crack_ , he vanished into thin air.

“Alright, Severus. What kind of help do you need?”, Harry turned to the tub and hid his worry behind abnormally bright green eyes.

“Did you actually believe me, fool? Dumbledore was just his usual meddlesome self, sending that elf to me. Give me a minute or two. I’m fine.”, Snape replied half-heartedly, as if secretly knowing that Harry could not be fooled that easily anymore.

Harry just snorted and crossed his arms. He definitely wasn’t fooled at all.

“Prove it. Prove that you are fine and grab that bottle of shampoo over there.”, he ordered strictly. Said bottle stood on the windowsill and there was no chance for Snape to retrieve it but using magic wandlessly or actually getting it the old muggle way.

Snape glared at him and finally huffed. “Fine. I can’t. I need help. Are you happy?”, he snapped.

“No. I am not happy. I was worried that they had gotten you. Now, don’t behave like a child and let me help.”, Harry spat and took the bottle with a quick and elegant move which only enlarged Snape’s pout.

“Move a little bit forward and lay your head back.”, Harry instructed curtly before rinsing the lank hair with fresh water and applying the shampoo as gentle as he could. This was new to him, too.

Eventually, Snape relaxed and leaned in Harry’s supporting hand while the other massaged the shampoo into his scalp.

It could have been done in five minutes, but seeing Snape feeling better, he decided to go on a little much longer.

“Do you want me to fall asleep and drown in here?”, Snape slurred at some point. Harry smiled and leaned forward to whisper in his ear.

“Not at all. I just want to help you, stubborn man. Is there a healing solution in the foam bath, too?” Snape nodded ever so slightly.

“Alright. Would you like me to get a flannel for your body?”

Snape stiffened. “You are not to wash my body, Harry. No, under no circumstance. It’s not that bad.”

If looks could kill, Harry would have dropped dead within a second. Instead, he just shrugged.

“Don’t be daft. I am happy to help you and you don’t deserve to go through this alone. I don’t even want to know how long you’ve been hiding here until Dumbledore reacted. You may try to wash yourself but you’ll need my help getting out of that tub anyway.”, Harry said calmly.

Snape blushed until his face had a deep and unhealthy scarlet tone.

“Really?”, Harry asked softly. “You’re worried because I might see you naked? I’m a man myself, you know, and I promise I won’t look.”

“When did you manage to read me this well?”, Snape whispered in defeat, his voice sounding weaker again.

“I don’t. I’d just behave the same. When it comes to stubbornness, I daresay we’ve got some common ground. But thank you for proving the most likely reason nevertheless.”, he grinned in response.

“Impudent brat.”, Snape said in hushed tones, but smiled a little. “Let’s get over with this, then. Where’s that blasted flannel?”

In the end, Snape got out of the tube with little help but much swaying which almost caused Harry to fell in.

Leaning all over the bathtub, an unfamiliar warm and nice gut feeling started to show at the unexpected sight of Snape’s backside and he quickly adjusted his mind shields.

Now was not the time to focus on human anatomy, especially since the boys’ dormitory was already brimming with the topic and corporal fitness, he scolded himself.

“Are you done making a fool of yourself, Harry?”, Snape drawled and waited impatiently for his wand.

Black, slender and decently decorated with ornated runes, the ebony wand silently vibrated in Harry’s hand. Startled, Harry practically threw it at him.

Seeing the menacingly raised eyebrow, Harry just shrugged sheepishly and patted his right shoulder as walking aid for the hurt man.

At a snail’s pace, they finally reached the bedroom and before Snape could protest, Harry had tucked him under the fresh sheets and sat beside him.

“You need to rest, Severus. When was the last time you have eaten?” The silence sufficed to call Dobby once more and asked him to bring some chicken broth, fresh bread and fruit salad.

“You look like you have lost much weight and you already looked like you could put on a stone or two before!”, Harry explained sternly.

“Yes, mother.”, Snape muttered under his breath and Harry would have smacked him for that if he hadn’t been in a bad shape already.

“Would you mind telling me what happened?”, he asked neutrally.

“Bellatrix happened.”, Snape said and Harry almost fell from the bed. “Not him. I told you it was not that bad.”, Snape said defiantly between spoons of soup that Harry brought to his mouth.

“What happened before?”, he wanted to know.

“Draco apparently told Bellatrix from my interventions in his plan and attempts to help him. As the second most insane person in our circle, she couldn’t help but tell the Dark Lord. I directly confessed my mistakes for he didn’t enter my mind. Bellatrix got rewarded, as did Draco. So, this is really the best outcome, Harry. I told you.” According to the neutral and smooth tone, Snape just had read a children’s tale to Harry whose temper rose.

He gulped heavily and tried to relax, but his hand was already bending the spoon out of raging anger and hatred towards Malfoy.

“That bastard… sodding coward… that piece of shit… I… I’m gonna…”, he stammered, unable to articulate a straight sentence at all.

‘Sectumsempra’ never had been more tempting than in this very moment.

“You are not going to do anything, Harry. Imagine what would happen if he knew of that!”, Snape hissed in pain and brought Harry back to his senses.

Right, Harry thought, he didn’t want Snape to die. Nevertheless, he silently swore to make Malfoy pay dearly one day.

“Why did you call him a coward? Spineless sonny would match much better.”

Still trembling with anger, Harry forced himself to explain where Malfoy apparently worked on his task and that anybody was unable to get inside the Room of Requirement to either find out more or put a stopper to it.

“Excuse me, Harry, but what exactly is the Room of Requirement?”, Snape interrupted. Harry didn’t believe his ears until he remembered that his father and friends had likely never known about the room, too, as it didn’t appear on the Marauder’s map.

“It’s a hidden room that answers to any of your needs. You’ll find it on the seventh floor in the left corridor, opposite the tapestry depicting the attempt of Barnabas the Barmy to teach trolls ballet. It only shows under special circumstances. Malfoy knows about it because we practised there last year with the D.A. and Marietta spilled the secret to Umbridge and her SWAT unit.”

Snape nodded pensively. Being freshly bathed and dressed in silken pyjamas and a dark green bathrobe, he looked like a grand seigneur who was very impressed with the information one had brought to him.

“You don’t have access to that room anymore?”, he asked after a couple of minutes of pleasant silence and some more scoops of soup and soaked bread.

“No. Crabbe and Goyle are impersonating other students to guard it from the outside and Malfoy most likely commanded the room not to provide access to anyone but him.”

“How do those two oafs impersonate people?”

“Are you a potions master or not? Polyjuice potion, of course.”, Harry explained in disbelief.

“Slughorn made us recognize several potions in our first class together and just left them in a side room. I guess Malfoy nicked some of it.”

“Well, better than throwing firecrackers into somebody’s cauldron, ey?”, Snape retorted dryly.

“We were twelve.”, Harry defended himself.

“Who did you impersonate?”

“Don’t laugh. Crabbe and Goyle. We thought Malfoy would know everything about the Chamber of Secrets, even be Slytherin’s heir.” Snape suppressed a burst of laughter which made him wince in obvious pain nevertheless.

“I guess we know now who that is.”, he added slowly. “Slughorn made you brew the Draught of the Living Death on that day, right? I needed to order a whole new equipment for these two idiots afterwards.”

Harry stifled a laughter, too. “Yeah, and the Prince helped me win and receive the Felix Felicis.”, he teased. Unexpectedly, Snape bit hard on the scoop Harry just had fed to him.

His eyebrows knot together and the dark glimmer in his black eyes returned. “Say that again.”, he growled.

“Wait, no.”, he reconsidered. “Do not say that again. That man is a walking irresponsibility. Handing out Felix Felicis to pubescent students. As for you, if I ever have to endure your whining about not obtaining Slughorn’s sodding memory, I’ll be out for your neck. Have you ever really tried to think of his flaws and outplay him?”

For the second time in what only seemed hours, Harry saw a silver lining. A little ashamed of his own stupidity, he dropped the scoop and buried his face in his hands.

“Don’t be so dramatic, for Merlin’s sake.”, Snape continued, his mind sharp as ever. “Tomorrow, I’ll be gathering more information about horcruxes and you’ll be hunting down that memory. Deal?”

Harry nodded and locked his gaze with the now very lively black eyes. The man’s tiny smile caused some little wrinkles to dance around them.

Though Snape still looked bad, Harry thought that his striking features shared a rare and absolutely unique beauty of its own, especially now that his silken black hair shone like a night sky and wasn’t affected by potions fumes at all.

“You’re not looking this cheerful because I managed to help you out of a fix in my state, don’t you?”, Snape grinned and laid back, eyes closed.

“I’m tired, Harry. Would you please retrieve me a painkiller potion and a sleeping draught? – You’re a wizard, don’t you think?”, he added when Harry stood up to do as he was told.

Turning scarlet, he summoned the potions with his wand and turned back to Snape who quickly drowned them.

Just when Harry was about to finally get up and return to his dorm, a speck in the corner of Snape’s mouth caught his attention.

Cautiously, he grabbed the napkin next to the empty bowl dabbed it away. The two of them held their breath and once more, soft green eyes met the black. He didn’t want to leave.

“Are you sure you can take care of yourself from here?”, Harry whispered gently and tried for his best interpretation of puppy eyes. Snape pulled him in an embrace.

“I am. Now, let the old man rest.”, he replied with a small wink.

Harry barely resisted to snuggle into the shining silky hair and loosened the hug. “I’ll see you soon, Severus.”, he said a little disappointed and turned on his heel.

“Harry, wait.”, Snape called him, already half asleep. “As grateful as I am that you were willing and insisting on helping me; I ask you not to grow to care for me. You’ll regret it, I know.” Harry almost missed the last part.

Back in the dorm, his heart didn't stop racing for the remainder of the night. 


	11. Slowly going Downhill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Exposition and rising action] Harry acquires the memory from Slughorn. In the middle of the night, deep down in the dungeons of Hogwarts, the peak in their fight against Voldemort starts to change into a personal downhill with no escape route.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part I of the main drama within the storyline. 
> 
> Side comment: Chapters 11- 13 were usually written as one. Due to the length and importance of the content, I decided to divide them up into three parts. In technical terms, chapter 14 will function as their conclusion/resolution. 
> 
> Thank you so much for staying with me and my idea of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" 😍😊 If you have any suggestions or opinions on my interpretation, feel free to leave a comment - I'd be happy to talk with you about it 😊

In the morning, Harry woke up with a twisted feeling. Next to him, Ron snored peacefully which deeply grated on his nerves and his lack of sleep didn’t help either.

There was no peace for him, no carefree time to snore, at least until Voldemort, Bellatrix and Malfoy were gone.

For Harry Potter, today was the day. No, for Severus Snape and Harry Potter, today was the day.

He happily ignored his body’s protest as he left his bed after a mere ounce of sleep.

Snape’s slurred remark had left a most confusing aftertaste. It was Harry’s fervent hope that Snape didn’t bear another secret concerning him, because intended or not, he actually had grown to care for the most complicated wizard in the world.

While Snape was probably already researching about horcruxes, which most certainly would include complicated stuff Harry would never understand, he practically danced into the great hall instead, greeted Ginny and all the other girls with his widest grin and hummed enthusiastically over his morning pumpkin juice.

Surprisingly, Snape was sitting at the staff’s table and looked as broody and sour as every other day.

With soft hoots, Hedwig showed up as the very first and undoubtedly most beautiful owl in the castle, delivering an unforeseen change in his plans.

Today was the day, Harry said to himself nevertheless, even if today had decide to have its own plans.

++++++++

“Severus! Where are you?”, Harry shouted and ran blindly through the dark office straight into the wall. Snape’s quarters were cold, dark and empty.

He noticed some holes in the otherwise neatly sorted bookshelves and a small bag laid on the dining table.

When Snape still didn’t show up, Harry sat on his spot on the couch, lit a fire and bounced up and down.

Finally, a swish announced someone entering the quarters through the wall. “Harry! I- again?”, Snape stammered, clearly taken by surprise.

“It worked!”, he cheered.

“It’s almost two o’clock in the morning!”, Snape reprimanded him.

“It can’t wait!”, he insisted and stood up. Harry, who had considerably grown in the past months, was nearly as tall as Snape – a man once towered only by Sirius.

Snape crossed his arms and their gestures and mimics mirrored each others for a while until Harry rolled his eyes and shot an annoyed glance at Snape.

“Look, we can play ‘Who’s the most stubborn wizard alive?’ all night long or I can tell you about the original memory and everything else I discovered with Dumbledore… it’s up to you.” He concluded with a wink. Snape still didn’t show an emotion or attempt to react.

“Did you come from a meeting? Were you hurt? Did anything else happen?”, Harry squeaked.

“Harry, will you stop bombarding me with your chatter? As I said, it’s well past midnight and I was bedridden until this morning if you remember. Let me get us some coffee and a sandwich.” Snape sounded exasperated.

“What happened?”, Harry asked, eyeing him warily. “The usual.”, Snape answered. “I think we are past this shallowness.”, Harry stated coldly.

In response, Snape brusquely tossed the chicken-curry sandwich in his direction and once more, Harry was overjoyed to have inherited his father’s seeker abilities.

“I had to catch up with the Dumbledore before your appointment and needed to spend some time with my house… for strategic reasons.”, he reluctantly drawled.

“Strategic like in ‘I have to spend time with them before some kids tell their parents who would love to tell the Dark Lord in order to make a better impression of themselves by degrading and exposing a fellow Death Eater as weak’?” Harry’s voice was high-pitched as if he had never hit puberty.

“Strategic reasons, like I said, Mr Obvious.”, Snape replied dryly while devouring his sandwich.

At least he was hungry, Harry thought and tried some of the surprisingly delicious coffee, probably one of Snape’s own blends as well.

“Didn’t expect Malfoy to break down, though.”

His ears rang. He knew due to the Moaning Myrtle that Malfoy occasionally cried in abandoned bathrooms, most likely because his was falling behind with this task, but he never expected the arrogant, spoiled and cruel arse to do so in front of others.

Lucius Malfoy would most definitely not approve of this. Then again, he still was imprisoned and maybe didn’t even know.

Had Malfoy argued with Snape in such an unusual manner after Slughorn’s party because Snape was tasked to act like a surrogate father? Harry furrowed his brows.

“Surprised that he did, particularly in front of me?”, Snape asked, voice trembling. He just nodded.

“Draco took a little longer to understand that actions lead to consequences. No matter how annoyed he is with my task and me, he didn’t expect his aunt to be so vicious.”

“It only takes one look to realize her insanity.”, Harry argued.

“And it only takes other people one look to realize things you need years to understand.”, Snape retaliated. He had a point, Harry admitted quietly to himself.

“Just know that you are not the only sixteen years old expected to do things beyond good and bad.” The tone in Snape’s voice and his stern glance told Harry that their conversation about Malfoy was at an end, at least for this evening.

“That was enough of me, Harry. Why did you come back so quick?”, Snape pushed forward.

Harry took a deep breath and began to speak. How Hagrid told him about Aragog’s passing, how Felix Felicis made him visit the greenhouses instead of straight going to the funeral, how he met Slughorn, how the joined Hagrid and buried the giant Acromantula and how he finally obtained the original memory.

Snape’s eyes were filled with tears and a sudden sob captured Harry’s attention.

“I know you professors and potions masters think differently of those creatures, but the forest is full of Aragog’s offspring and I promise that you wouldn’t cry for the boss spider if you knew the lot as I do.”, he said, completely baffled.

A stinging pain flared up in his side and he rubbed his ribs angrily while Snape tucked his wand away with a grimace. “What was that for?”, he shouted.

“For making dumb assumptions as if you hadn’t learned anything this year.”, Snape hissed.

“Do you I look like someone who would cry over someone else’s pet, especially an Acromantula? I bet Slughorn made sure to gather some of its venom?”

Harry nodded, but didn’t stop glaring at him.

“I cried at the most detailed mention of your mother and her sacrifice. Are you happy now?”, Snape bellowed and suddenly, Harry understood that the man just couldn’t deal or never had learned to cope with the death of his friend.

In a hurry, he moved to the outer edge of the couch and patted the free space, hoping Snape would allow himself some comfort.

The couch groaned under their weight or maybe simply because no second person ever sat on it.

“She’s been one of Slughorn’s pets, but I guess he already told you that. She excelled in charms and potions, especially in her sixth year. We used to brew together, at least until I called her… you know.” Sorrow drowned the atmosphere.

“Where you part of his club, too? I mean you’re a master for years.”, Harry tried to lighten the mood, but Snape just grimaced in addition.

“Did Slughorn ever appeared to you like someone fond of awkward people who openly show their dislike for social gatherings and superficial pleasantries?”

“And here I come, being stupid again.”, Harry muttered to himself and was surprised at Snape’s long hand on his shoulder.

“You’ve acted worse, growing man. Besides, it’s not something unforgivable like calling your best and only friend a racial slur.”, he confessed sadly until his demeanour hardened again.

“Now, will you tell me what that memory was about?” Back to business, Harry sulked as the warm feeling, which he had felt for a few seconds, withdrew along with the slender hand. But Snape was right as ever.

In defeat, he continued his story and explained the real memory as detailed as possible. Snape froze, but didn’t interrupt. He just stared at the naked stone wall in front of him, eyes entirely occluded.

Harry also told him about the two destroyed horcruxes and the three likely objects which were yet to be found and destroyed. He also mentioned that Dumbledore was close to tracking one down.

“How about the sixth horcrux? Any suggestions?”, Snape whispered almost hoarsely.

“Something from Gryffindor, like the sword, or something from Ravenclaw. On second thought though, I don’t think Tom Riddle as the last heir of Slytherin ever wanted to use something from Gryffindor as a storage room for his soul, or parts of it.”

“Very good.”, Snape said impressed. “Besides, I think you ought to know that the sword was used to destroy the ring, if I am not mistaken. I don’t think it contains a horcrux.”

He shifted in his place and grimaced, as if fearing to have revealed something too early.

“Of course.”, Harry said matter-of-factly. He tried to stay calm and accept the fact that Snape wouldn’t exactly lie to him but always decided when the right time for the right information had come.

“I killed the diary with a basilisk’s fang and the sword was drowned in basilisk venom.”

Snape snorted. “Funny that the Slytherin pet is able to kill the Slytherin heir, don’t you think?”

Harry stared at him in disbelief. “Seriously?”

“It’s not like you are the only one allowed to make stupid remarks which are not expedient.”

“Right, I am just allowed to slay the Dark Lord with a power he does not know.”, he said sarcastically, ignoring Snape’s immediate flinch.

“Speaking of those lines; Dumbledore explained to me that the prophecy did not force me to be the Chosen one. It was his choice to make it come true. All I did was deciding that I want to act on it.”

“What do you mean?”, Snape asked, tighter than ever.

“I have the choice to ignore the prophecy and just react to his actions, because he actually believes in it, or I can deliberately act on it, make it true and have him gone for good one day if we are lucky. To quote that bloody thing: _‘And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…’_ ”

Snape trembled heavily, eyes shut and jaw clenched. He gasped for air and started swaying on the spot.

Worried, Harry moved close to him and tried to pull him in an embrace, but Snape held his hands up and flinched.

“Don’t, Harry.”, he choked out. “I’m not worth it, trust me.”

Frowning, Harry moved closer until their bodies met and he rested his head on Snape’s shoulder.

“Don’t you dare say such a thing, Severus. At least not without a proper and complete explanation. I am here. I am listening to you. What did bother you so much? Did you relaize somtehing?”

“I am… I can’t…”, Snape whimpered.

“Severus, whatever it is, it obviously concerns me. I want to know what happens around me. I need to know. How else could I be entirely prepared?”

Out of nowhere, Snape pulled his wand, features distorted. He looked closer to madness than in the Shrieking Shack three years earlier.

“Get up! Before I decide anything, I need to check if your occlumency skills are sufficient. I won’t be gentle. Legilimens!”, he shouted, face white and teeth bared.

Pain flooded his body and mind as Harry felt Snape violently ripping on his shields. He was tired, he was confused and he didn’t want to fight or practise, but for Snape’s sake, he had to. Despite or because of their arguments, fights, reconciliations and trustful, even tender moments, he knew that Snape was the only adult in his life he could currently rely on, who would be there for him, howsoever.

Harry pushed and pressed against Snape’s frightening power and ruthlessness, focussing on his element to cause as much trouble as possible, to make memories as hard to fixate, see or hear.

His front shields, the easy ones, constantly changed as if they were a filmstrip and after what felt like hours, Snape retreated.

Both him and Harry were heavily panting, foreheads covered in sweat, eyes wild. The air vibrated in wild emotions of pain and determination. Simultaneously, they sat down on the couch again.

“You’ll hate me if I tell you. You’ll hate me beyond your imagination. You’d be likely to kill me and I couldn’t blame you for it. It would destroy everything we have achieved this year. It would be a final stopper and I don’t want it to end. Not again.”, Snape croaked and tears soaked his face all over his face.

“Severus, if you don’t open up, I’m likely to kill for that. Just be honest with me, god damnit. I can deal much better with it. Don’t you see that we are always getting back to this point? I get that things have happened which I am not aware of yet and that they are not made out of some fairytale-stuff, but I desperately feel like I need to know in order to finish this madness. Don't keep things from me. I want to know. I ache for honesty and clarity, Severus. Can’t you see?”

Snape didn’t grant him with a glance. Harry shifted again until he sat right next to him, his hand on the man’s thigh. Still, there was no reaction, no movement at all.

“Damnit, do you think I like the fact that things from the past always haunt us, especially when we just get along?”, he shouted in frustration.

If Dumbledore’s people, his people, would go on like this, Voldemort wouldn’t need to break or kill him anymore. He felt dizzy, drained and exhausted.

“Sit back on your spot again. I don’t deserve your proximity and you’ll regret it either way.”, Snape said after a while.

He looked like he had been to hell and back during the past few minutes and his eyes showed pure grief and sorrow like Harry had never seen before. Reluctantly, Harry obeyed, feeling more nervous than ever before.

“Close your eyes. I’m about to tell you a rather long but true story. You already know some of it, but if you insist on knowing the big picture, here it comes.”, whispered Snape, sounding just as nervous as he felt.


	12. The Source of Misery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Climax] Snape opens up about his past and Harry learns the painful truth about the prophecy. Has he bitten off more than he can chew?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part II of the main drama within the storyline.

“Your mother never forgave me for calling her a mudblood. I apologized over and over again, but I was already in too deep. My upbringing, the nature of my parents, the poverty I grew up in, the knowledge of the Dark Arts running through my family for ages, the constant battle for everything…”, Snape began slowly, making sure to remember anything.

“I guess my unwanted existence was doomed and I was too weak to stand up and fight, be resilient, make a choice, learn how to trust. When we were nine, your mother’s family moved to the other side of the park, the better part of Cokeworth, naturally. We met halfway. She enlightened my world and I introduced her to the magical one. We became friends.”

Harry skin was already covered in goosebumps. This couldn’t end well.

“She showed me countless times that my spiteful and even harmful way of dealing with unpleasant situations or feelings was not the best interpretation of fighting one’s way out. Well, you know it didn’t help. At Hogwarts, we fought about Slytherin house and the Dark Arts many times but somehow remained friends. Our friendship was like a bubble, a haven as none of our house mates approved of it and tried everything to pull us apart.”

Harry nodded. He could easily understand that inter-house friendships were difficult, even it the houses weren’t Gryffindor and Slytherin.

“During one of my apologies after the incident, for which I am the only one to blame, regardless of your father’s behaviour, I made a second unforgivable mistake by saying that I never wanted to call specifically her a mudblood. – Don’t hold back your grimace, it’s entirely justified.“ Snape paused for a moment, then took a deep breath.

“My pain was the reason I taught myself occlumency, but I kind of exaggerated and shielded almost everything until I was a mere robot with a thirst for respect, power, cunning and a talent in resourcefulness, potions and duelling.” His self-characterization dropped with venom and disdain.

Harry looked around and realized that the fire didn’t light as bright as it used to, that the dims lights were barely enlightened the room. Even the magically enchanted windows showed nothing but the Hogwarts lands which were drowning in a cloudburst, joined by a frightening thunderstorm. He was terrified but suspected that the worst was yet to come.

“I saw her last on graduation day in 1978. She made sure that I saw how she wrote with a ball pen in our year book. As I told you, I was in too deep into the Dark Arts and Lucius, Walden and others were constantly circling around me, telling me about his generosity, and upon the recommendation of Lucius, he offered to finance my mastery in return for potions services. A job for me to earn money and…”, Snape paused again, wiping his face.

“I was seduced by his power and those of his followers, hoped for true acceptance… - I know, Harry. I was petty and pathetic and stupid and naïve.”

Harry snorted and pulled his knees to his chest. This was going downhill, he thought and gulped down his coffee. Chances were that he would get sick in the course of the night.

“I soon became the youngest yet unemployed potions master in the wizarding world. – Yes, you’re right, the Dark Lord expected me to be at his services but never thought of employment. I can still hear Lucius’ and Bellatrix’ cackle. Narcissa supported me secretly and risked more often than not to know the wrath of the Dark Lord one day.”

Harry shivered at the mention of Malfoy’s mother. He couldn’t believe that the cold-hearted and arrogant witch had it in her to care for anyone but herself and sorry excuse of a son. A lightening bolt appeared in the windows, leaving the entire room in a cold silver light for a moment. For a second, he saw that even the lilies and daffodils of the window frames were hanging upside down.

“Regulus Black told the Dark Lord during my absence about my spying and prying on the Marauders and when I came back after an experiment, my death eater job consisted of brewing and spying.”, Snape went on and it was undetectable whether he was talking to Harry, himself or no one at all.

“One of the safest jobs within the ranks and a rather isolated one as well. I felt better, I admit. Rumour had it that Dumbledore wanted to employ new professors after the winter holidays as more and more people went missing and the war was omnipresent.”

“What?”, Harry said for the first time. “What happened next?”

“Everything.”, Snape whispered, his black eyes staring into nowhere. Both of them shivered but neither dared to reach out for the blanket.

“I was sent to Hogsmeade and met Sybille Trelawny who also had an appointment with Albus. _‘The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies...’_ was all I heard when Aberforth Dumbledore, his brother and landlord of the Hog’s head, caught me and threw me out.”

Panting, Snape paused and Harry was secretly grateful for the break. He already sensed where this was going and his emotions ran high. Maybe it was because of his exhaustion, maybe because something inside told him to hear the man; he somehow managed to remain seated.

Snape’s trembling got worse, but Harry didn’t care. His own body was strung to his breaking point and his hands were clenched to fists because he didn’t trust his own reactions anymore.

“The Dark Lord panicked and threw a fit. He mercilessly made us work on potions, spells, wards for the war. Today I know it had something to do with the prophecy since he grew more paranoid by the day. I was suddenly forced to engage in raids and started to see the big picture.”

Took you long enough, Harry thought grimly.

“A new depressing record. It made feel almost as bad as when I insulted your mother. One day, Regulus Black, who felt as sick as I, disappeared and no one of them ever talked or seemed to care about it. It was terrifying.”

Snape forced himself to ease his breathing, to speak at least clear, if not loud. “The next day, a cold Sunday in February, the Dark Lord announced to go after your parents. Someone, I guess now that it was already Pettigrew, had told him that your mother, Lily, expected a boy.”

Snape’s voice broke down and hoarse cries escaped his throat. Harry imagined how pained and desperate he probably looked like, but his own patience slowly ran out. “Go on.”, he hissed hoarsely, eyes still closed and teeth bared.

“I begged the Dark Lord to spare her and he agreed after torturing me for lusting after a muggleborn. He had no idea, but finally promised me.”

“That’s why you freaked out when I told you about the dementors.”, Harry stated as if another brainwave had hit him. Inside, he felt colder than ever.

“Yes, I should have known he would create a loophole, but being the fool I was... I ran to Albus and switched sides, promising him to spy on the Dark Lord and be at his services anytime. Hence the professor’s position even though I am not fond of people, especially kids.”

Of course, Harry thought, Dumbledore always saw the best in people, always knew how to guide them into the light.

“He gave me a second chance, but to be honest, it was your mother who had saved me. And all I did to thank her was putting her life at risk. I even asked for her protection only, you must know. – Go on, punch me if you want to.”

Harry’s fists were already raised but he froze mid-air. Snape had yet to finish and who knew what else he had said or done.

“Albus showed me his disdain and made me feel my cruelty in the most deserved and coldest way. Anyways, your mother would never have agreed to this as she needed to be with your father and you to be happy. All this time, I wanted her to be happy, to be safe and instead of acting on that, I was ready to ask for her family to be ripped apart.” Another sob escaped his throat.

“Stop the crying this instant!”, Harry growled and his fury caused a dangerous vibration in the air. “We are not done yet and I am not in the mood to endure your whining! Be a man and go on, for god's sake.”

Like a child, Snape stopped at once and flinched as if expecting a slap. When Harry didn’t make any move and just shot the angriest glances at him, he slightly nodded.

“Your parents went into hiding for over a year and it was hard to track them down, but sometimes, Bellatrix and others were close.”, he eventually went on.

“Hence the Fidelius charm.”, Harry whispered and Snape nodded again.

“We conjured it in the middle of October. It wasn’t known among Death Eaters that the Potters owned a house in Godric’s Hollow, so there was no need to find a secret place. At least, we thought. We trusted. I hated Black, but he was a capable Auror and fighter, just like your father, and I knew how close they were. I felt reassured with him being the secret keeper. Until….”

“Their trick. Pettigrew. I know.”, Harry said grimly, but his voice came from a million miles away. “Did you know? Do you see him often?”

Suddenly, Snape’s hands were clenched, too. “I didn’t or else I would have reacted. And yes, I see him quite often nowadays. He was ordered to stay at my house during summer break.”

A cold chill ran down Harry’s spine.

“I think Dumbledore’s office never had been as destroyed as after they were... Well, until last year, if rumours are true. I was done, then. I still am, I think. I’m cold. Overshadowed. Haunted by my past, by myself. There’s nothing left but keeping you safe and finally, after all those years, caring for you, Harry, and I feel like I just have destroyed this, too. Go on then, hate me, hex me, kill me. Do as you please.”


	13. Did You Love Her?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Falling action] Harry reacts to Snape's confession. Angst and Hurt seem inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part III of the main drama within the storyline.
> 
> I hope that you like my story so far. Thank you for for feedback, I really enjoy this experience :) 
> 
> Next chapter, a conclusion and resolution awaits us. Regarding the tags, especially those not applying until now, I ask you to be a tiny little bit more patient and prepare for some 'Seduction' in the meantime.

Harry sat and sat and sat. Refusing to open his eyes again, his brain worked hard to understand and sort all information that had buried him mercilessly and set his world on fire.

But no matter how long he replayed every heard sentence, it always came back to the same conclusion: If it weren’t for Snape, his parents would be alive. If it weren’t for Snape, Neville’s parents would be well. If it weren’t for Snape, he wouldn’t have to face Voldemort over and over again until one of them would be gone forever.

Angry beyond reason at everything, the thought that Dumbledore would probably even give Voldemort a second chance if he only asked remorsefully enough.

In the back of his mind, he remembered what he had once said to Snape about unforgivable things, about making choices, about not everybody being lucky from the start on.

Regrettably, a thick brick wall stood between this memory and Snape’s confession, made of hurt, agony and white heat. It was building up by the minute.

Tears welled up in his eyes, but Harry refused to let go for now. His throat was feeling thick, slightly choking him. At the same time, he was ready to roar like a lion.

Snape. How could he? How could he insult him year by year for always taking his time in class when he had been even slower on the uptake generally in life?

And worse, how could Dumbledore not have seen this coming? Snape, after all, must have been targeted in Slytherin house by sympathizers of the Dark for seven years at least. Future Death Eaters or the first generation’s offspring must have shared a dorm with him.

Snape, whose memories, words and stories told by his fellow students, had shown that the he came from an abusive home and got his hands on the Dark Arts even before Hogwarts. Harry doubted that information about dark families were kept secret back then. Indeed, everybody knew what to expect from the Black or Malfoy family.

Was Snape one of those lost causes they always talked about on Muggle TV? Those who fell through all cracks?

Infinite fury and compassion fought a terrible war inside him, because on the other side, Snape had had his mother, his best friend.

His mother who had tried to show him the light and whom he had insulted instead. His beautiful mother who had married his arch enemy, who had never gotten to see her son grow up because of her former best friend who claimed that he had wanted her to live.

Who claimed that he had stayed alive because of her son, the boy-who-lived.

“Did you love her?”, Harry asked out of the blue and opened his eyes again. Slowly, his head turned and furious dark green eyes met the puffed and bloodshot pair. Screw his occlumency shields, he thought, Snape deserved to see him as he was.

There was no mercy in his gaze, he knew, no pity, no sign of the caring and empathic “Just Harry” Snape had got to known since their fateful meeting in the graveyard. Harry had come to collect his debt in the form of Snape’s heart and soul.

Whatever Snape had expected Harry to say, scream or ask, it hadn’t been this question, he could tell. Snape’s mouth opened and closed over and over again and his scrawny body shook with every agonal gasp he made.

“This is a simple yes or no question. Every first year would be able to answer it. Yes or no. I.am.waiting.”, Harry drawled coldly and Snape grimaced at the recognition of his own sharp tongue.

“I don’t engage in relationships, Harry. You know this.”

The last straw to break the camel’s back. Again. Harry’s temper snapped. “Last time I checked; one didn’t need to be engaged in a relationship to feel love.”, he spat.

The most treacherous quiet before the storm followed the bitter echo of his words. Then, hell broke loose.

“DO YOU REALLY DARE NOT TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION AFTER ALL YOU DID, AFTER ALL YOU JUST TOLD ME?”, he roared.

“IF YOU HAD GIVEN DIVINITION AND THE POWER OF PROPHECIES A THOUGHT FIRST, WE WOULDN’T BE IN THIS SITUATION. YOU WERE OF AGE; YOU HAD GRADUATED; YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.”

 _Crack_ , their pots broke.

“IF YOU HAD LISTENED AND TRIED TO UNDERSTAND AS YOU EXPECT PEOPLE TO THINK ALL THE TIME, MY PARENTS WERE PROBABLY STILL ALIVE AND YOU COULD VENT YOUR SPLEEN STRAINGT ON MY FATHER INSTEAD OF TORMENTING ME FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS.”

 _Swish_ , some rolls of parchment burnt to ashes.

“IF YOU WERE JUST IN YOUR RIGHT MIND AND I KNOW YOU HAVE ONE BECAUSE OTHERWISE, MY MUM WOULD HAVE NEVER BEFRIENDED YOU, YOU WOULDN’T NEED TO SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE ATONING AND SUFFERING AND TAKING EVERYONE WHO STARTS TO CARE DOWN WITH YOU!”

 _Bang_ , Snape's armchair fell backwards.

“DO YOU ENJOY DROWNING IN REMORSE AND STILL THINK YOU COULD LIVE WITH THIS ON YOUR FUCKING OWN ALL THE TIME? YOU ARE SHIT AT THIS!”

Silence.

“I wished you’d have told me sooner.”, Harry finally concluded, voice hoarse and cold as stone.

Either Snape had no tears left to cry or he simply didn’t dare to in front of a frantic Harry who had accidently jumped onto the coffee table, wand in hand and a death glare in his eyes that rivalled the one of a basilisk.

With a loud thump, he suddenly collapsed on the table, cracking its glass.

“Get down there, you’ll hurt yourself.”, Snape said and held out a shaking hand.

Feeling much lighter after his outburst, if not calmed or appeased at all, Harry took the hand and repaired the table with a wave of his wand.

“That’s it, right? You literally stopped living. You fucking stopped living. And if it weren’t for me or Dumbledore, you’d also be six feet under already. You even mentioned it in Godric’s Hollow when you thought I was a stranger. Gosh, you’re so fucked up.” He buried his face in his hands.

“Did you love her, Snape? Did you love my mother? Were you in love with Lily Evans? I need to know for I don’t know anymore if you ever did see me or just switched from seeing me as my father’s reincarnation to hers.” he hissed and bit his hand in order not to scream in madness.

Finally, Snape found his voice again. “Not in the way the Dark Lord and the others thought, but yes. I loved and still love her, cherish her. When she died, all that was left were you and the cause she believed in.”

“For a long time, it hurt to see you as their son. But not because I wanted to claim your father’s place. I can’t think of her as a… wife or girlfriend. I tried before our friendship ended when everyone suddenly was all into relationships and hormonal stuff, but it never felt right or true.”

Harry forbade himself to create any picture of those words in his head. He pulled a face, face turned away from Snape.

“I just love her as my guardian angel, as my only friend and I still would do anything for her. I always will.”

Harry nodded. At least, he had not grown attached to and gotten bruised by the man who had secretly wanted to be with his mother.

“I am sorry to stain your life like this. If you want me to, when this is all over, you shall never-“

“Don’t be so dramatic!”, Harry yelled while his mind still worked on another unresolved topic.

“The prophecy spoke about a boy born at the end of July. What about Neville? What would you have done if he would have chosen the Longbottom’s?”

Snape curled up on the couch. “I’m not going to lie to you, Harry. I think I would have stayed with them until I would have cracked one day and, on my way out, I would have disappeared like Reg.”

Harry gave him an apathic nod and locked his eyes once more with his. Every possible shield, both magical and human, was dropped. Snape deserved to see him like this. He cleared his throat.

“Thank you for being honest, after all. Now, get some rest, professor, you look more dreadful than usual. I’ll see you in class.”, he whispered and left.


	14. Seduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Conclusion/Resolution] Seduction. In many ways. A silver lining appears on the horizon while Harry learns a great lesson for life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part IV of the main drama within this storyline. 
> 
> Let the slash begin. Sorry not sorry for taking my time with this part of the story. Just like so details and happenings from previous chapters, I promise that this will not be a singular occurrence but rather be interwoven with the ongoing story. Enjoy! :)

Emptiness was an understatement. Harry opened his eyes after he had been fallen asleep in his clothes and groaned in agony. Last night had been a nightmare of the worst sort ever.

 _“The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.”_ , Dumbledore had wisely told him in his first year.

Currently, he felt like the truth about him was a hurricane, granting him peace only as long as he had remained untouched in its eye, while everyone and everything else got more and more involved with secrets, motivations, plots and all strengths and flaws of human kind, just to keep him safe.

Be it the philosopher’s stone incident, the findings about Sirius, his two pensieve tours or last night; whenever Harry tried to find something out on his own, the truth would come down on him like a collapsing house.

Maybe he really did need all those people around him, watching over him, ensuring that he moved only within the storm’s eye until he was finally ready and had grown up sufficiently.

His heart ached for a Mum-hug, but the only person imaginable was out of reach for the present time.

Grumpily, he got up and took a long shower, benefitting from sharing a dorm with four late risers. Although not even three hours laid between his departure in the dungeons and him standing under the lion-shaped showerhead, his mind and heart circled around Snape.

Slaughter-Snape, Saviour-Snape, Snuggle-Snape, Snappy-Snape, Supportive-Snape, Spying-Snape. Shit, he thought, the man was never going to be easy or simply to forget about. Not that he truly wanted to.

A particular occlumency lesson from fifth year popped up in his head when Snape had told him about the mind and its multiple layers and that it was not meant to be opened like a book. They both had done it regardless.

Snape had lifted his uncountable layers and had been terribly honest with Harry and himself. The result was just another collapsed house.

Harry’s head began to ache.

He hated Snape and felt with him, just as he had felt with the lonely Tom Riddle in that rotten orphanage, just as he had felt at the Dursley’s for so long; all three had been unwanted, out of place, like a stain to more people than not.

When he washed his hair and body for the fourth time, turning the water warm again, his mind drifted to the sleeping boys and how they always granted each other a so-called “relax-time out” in the showers.

According to Ron, being with a girl was great, but sometimes, only a good wank would truly calm a man down. Dean and Seamus had said similar things and even Neville used it as some place of comfort.

Eyes closed; Harry felt ridiculous doing such a normal boyish thing on a day like this, being who he was.

Of course, he had forgotten to take his wand with him to cast locking and silencing spells, but it was early and after all, the boys would guess what he was doing and leave him alone.

It definitely couldn’t hurt to find out, though, he decided and let his hands drop. His cock was already half hard and felt comfortably smooth and tender in his hand, despite getting harder and larger.

He cupped it with his short an strong fingers and enjoyed the pleasant shiver that ran down his spine. 

The curly black pubic hair was covered in soap when his other hand reached his balls, the sensual touch on the two round marbles caused him to moan softly.

Pumping his shaft in a slow and steady rhythm, he felt his tensed muscles relax and energy recharge. It truly felt amazing and his hips bucked againsthis hands in sheer lust.

Harry’s groans and sensual hisses increased in volume and frequency with every little squeeze of his slowly tightening balls and softly-pressured circles he drew around the base of his penis.

Once he noticed his hardened pink nipples, he carefully twisted the left one and groaned instantly at the jolt of pleasure that shook his body and ended in his lower abdomen.

His remaining hand on his penis pushed back the light foreskin and completely revealed the swollen, velvet red and throbbing head. It looked positively wanton, ready to further brighten his morning.

White precum leaked from its tip and Harry relished the feeling of smearing it across the whole area while he gently parted and caressed its small slit. Passion and heat ran through his body, loosening him up. 

He even tried it and moaned again loudly at the delicious salty and musky taste.

Upfront his mind, there were those many pictures of the fucking witched and wizards he had seen in magazines and the photo box in their dorm.

He imagined himself getting involved with all of them, caressing some breasts and sensually rubbing the women’s slick folds before turning to the men and massaging and sucking on their beautifully erected dicks as well.

He briefly wondered if he should rather picture the girls with their slender waists, inviting breasts and luscious mouths as they all desperately begged him to let them suck him empty, but he got even harder at the simple thought of sucking on one of the lightest male nipples he had ever seen.

His balls tightened further as he imagined a tall and pale man touching his arse, kissing his neck and licking his own incredibly sensitive nipples. Breathing irregular and knees weakened, he moved closer to him until their groins touched repeatedly.

Together they moved in an accelerating rhythm; his hand cupping the stranger’s taut balls while the stranger’s hand was firmly closed around his shaft, moving up and down.

The man’s dark, throaty and silky ‘Close.’ was all he needed. Tightening his own hand around his shaft, Harry sped up and when his index finger pressed down on the now violet head and started lasciviously rubbing it, something exploded inside him.

The purest, warmest and brightest fire washed over his body as white ribbons dropped on the floor in heavy strikes. Screaming in release, Harry’s eyes filled with tears of joy for the first time in a very long while.

++++++++

The day of his real sexual awakening turned also out to be his personal National Day of Adolescent Drama and, as usual, there was no one uninvolved he could talk to.

Hermione was as cheerful as the Irish after winning the World Cup because apparently, Lavender had broken up with Ron.

Ron, too, seemed very pleased with the situation, whereas all other girls from fourth year up shot the three of them dark glances on every opportunity.

He also learned that Ginny and Dean had broken up, too, while he had been at Snape’s to live an own sort of break up and break down altogether. Not that he could, would or felt able to talk about it.

Loud giggles disturbed a rare moment of peace during breakfast as Parvati, Romilda and some other girls eyed him like prey again. He didn’t know better than to roll his eyes and wished to take another shower right now. Relax, he scolded himself.

To make it worse, Snape had them duel in class, as some sort of preparation, at least according to his venomous introduction. Harry was under the impression that he simply didn’t want to talk or teach at all.

The long black hair was as greasy as everyone was used to, the black piercing eyes watched over the students with unchanged sharpness and his thin lips handed out mean comments and sneering insults to anyone who made the tiniest mistake. An actual piece of advice was never given.

In short; Snape behaved as normal as ever, looked as normal as ever, was as unpleasant and unfair as ever.

He seemed entirely composed, but Harry could have sworn that the Snape from last night was still hiding somewhere behind the common façade and tons of occluding shields.

Duelling, Harry found, just like wanking, was a wonderful way to channel excessive energy and put his mind to a freeing, calming and strengthening task at once.

No wonder he excelled and disarmed every partner of his. But Snape ignored him and Harry felt hurt that he even didn’t try to secretly compliment him on a professional basis anymore.

‘Five points from Gryffindor for endangering your classmates.’ had been one of his well-hidden and twisted remarks after Harry had managed to destroy three of the duelling dummies at once in a previous lesson.

If he really had endangered anybody, he would have surely bought himself a month’s detention and a two-digit loss of points.

Harry sighed. Apparently, these times were over.

Instead, disappointment felt the re-erupted emptiness inside him and he was somehow tempted to break a rule, just to get a motion out of the man.

Maybe the use of ‘Sectumsempra’ would catch his attention. In the end, Ron nervously tiptoed around him, making it impossible to perform any stunt.

Next, Harry remembered with grinding teeth that had been the one who had left last night. It made him feel worse.

“What is wrong with you?”, Harry hissed at Ron once they were dismissed. Without waiting for an answer, he stormed out, but Ron was already on his heels.

“Don’t freak out, mate, but… ahem… well, we heard you this morning and, well, we or I… ahem… I just wanted you to know that if you need some advice with that bunch of girls, just tell me. I’d be happy to help, now that you finally…”

“I finally what?”, Harry snapped and dragged him into a deserted side corridor.

“Well… That you wanked, mate. Really, we almost thought you were asexual like Snape or Hagrid-“

“You know damn well that Hagrid isn’t asexual and I would be glad if you wouldn’t compare me to Snape of all people. After all, it is none of your business.”, Harry bellowed, not realizing that he was screaming bloody murder at his best friend.

“Are you alright, Harry?”, Ron asked earnestly. “I just think that you are so busy and tasked with so many things this year and I just want you to enjoy some normal stuff as well, you know…”

Harry looked apologetically in Ron’s open and brown eyes and felt bad for taking his temper out him.

Like you did last night when you yelled at someone who has been more of help than the whole Order packed together, despite his failures, a mean voice whispered in his head.

“Thank you, Ron.”, he apologized. “It’s nice that you try and bring some normality into my life, but I’m afraid I’ll have to take care of a madman before I’m granted any peace and ease.” He shrugged sadly.

“You’re not alone in this, mate. You know that. We are always there for you, going with you, helping you. You’ve got the D.A., the Order, us and countless sympathizers out there. Anyway, whenever you feel like talking about that stuff or the normal boys' stuff and not just being forced to listen to us, you know where to find me.”

Within a flash of a second, Harry hugged him and held back the tears that still waited to be released since last night.

“Thanks, Ron.”, he whispered. “I’ll make sure to come to you only.” Ron patted awkwardly his back.

After all, Harry never had been quite the hugger and Ron probably didn’t expect his Mum-hug. It didn’t feel the same with him anyway.

“Oh, by the way. You should know that Dean and Seamus talked a bit too loud about… you know… and the girls got wind of this. Ginny’s actually been pretty interested, but if something ever should come up between you two, I just want you to be decent and not hurt her, alright?”

Harry groaned and shot him an annoyed glance. Five seconds of feel good and here he was, driven up a wall again.

“Did you tell her the same as well? Because my memory is quite intact and I don’t recall dating half the girls of my class for the past two years... Sorry, Ron, I know you mean well. I just have to clear my head.” He stormed off.

++++++++

“In there!”, Snape barked beyond fury and practically threw Harry through the wall to this quarters.

Lying on the floor for a mere second, Harry was dragged up and thrown on the fateful couch which still showed the imprints from last night.

“Harry James Potter. You have ten seconds to decide whether you would like to talk to me or have a meeting with the Headmaster and your Head of House.”

Snape’s eyes were deeply bloodshot and his nose was still bleeding.

Trembling with anger, fear, shame and panic, Harry stared on the floor.

“You.”, he panted without thinking and still tried to understand when his day had finally gone downhill.

He dimly remembered storming back to their dorm, going back to the Great Hall, talking to the freshly released Katie Bell and at some point, going back to Gryffindor tower again.

Out of pout, annoyance and frustration that Katie couldn’t prove Malfoy guilty, he had studied both the Half-Blood Prince’s book and the Marauder’s map until something had snapped in his brain at the sight of Malfoy in Myrtle’s bathroom.

Their duel had gotten entirely out of hand and after a missed Cruciatus from Malfoy and a direct hit with ‘Sectumsempra’ from him, he, the Chosen One, had almost committed his first murder.

Of course, the blasted prince had left no further warning or explanation with the spell and Harry had been too speechless to react when Malfoy had laid cut open on the wet ground of the bathroom.

If it weren’t for Snape, he would have…

“Fuck!”, Harry screamed and pulled his hair.

“This isn’t helping, Potter.”, Snape bellowed. He had remained on his feet, towering and staring down at him mercilessly.

“Since when do you call me Potter again?”, he retorted angrily.

“Since you started calling me Professor Snape last night. And since you earned it just half an hour ago. What. Were. You. Thinking?”

“I wasn’t thinking at all, fine? I was confused, exhausted, overburdened and troubled. I was angry, annoyed, desperate and hurt. I’ve got no one to talk about this but you and I can’t bear this anymore. You know what? Release me. Hand me over to Dumbledore and McGonagall. Have me expelled, throw me out and let Voldemort find me!”

Snape didn’t react but waited. Waited as a cop in a long hearing. Waited for Harry to reveal what actually had happened. Minutes passed until Harry gave in.

He told him about always coming back to the spell in the book, about a growing fascination and desire to just try it out, about always being drawn to the book and to Malfoy’s footprints on the map, about his childish anger and disappointment earlier the day, about the boys’ and girls' stuff gratingon his nerves.

Harry even opened up about his first thoughts about yesterday’s night he had had this morning; told him all about the emptiness, his metaphor about truth, about his desire for a Mum-hug.

He hadn’t finished his last sentence when two thin but incredibly strong arms lifted him up and he found himself engulfed by thick, warm robes and a thin shaking body beneath them.

Snape just stood there and held him and finally, his tears came and fell. Harry cried and whined and sobbed until his voice was hoarse again and his eyes were puffed to an extend which made it hard to see anything at all.

Besides gently rubbing his back, Snape offered no comfort, no shushes, no reassuring phrases.

He let Harry be and once the sobbing ebbed, he lifted him up and sat down on the couch with him on his lab.

Harry knew he should feel strange about it, but his bleeding heart said differently. He leaned in and focused on the slow but steady heartbeat under the black layers of clothes.

“I was seduced.”, he finally whispered against Snape’s neck where he had perfectly buried his face.

“You were indeed.”, Snape answered and waited patiently, drawing soothing circles on his back.

“I was seduced like you were.”, he recognized further. Harry lifted his eyes and looked into Snape’s withdrawn gaze who quickly closed his eyes.

He had unimaginable long lashes and beautiful darkened lids. Every woman would kill for them, at least according to Lavender’s and Parvati’s inane chitchat. But this was not important.

Snape struggled with an appropriate answer to Harry’s conclusion. Finally, black eyes found the green again.

“No, I was and am far worse than you. Do you know what happened as far as I am aware and recently have been told by a young and generally pure soul?”

“I’m not in the position to establish today’s agenda.”

Snape chuckled softly. “Point taken. I was going to tell you either way. You chose to act on the dark part inside you, let you consume by bad emotions and Dark Magic. – Yes, Harry, the Prince’s book is full of Dark Magic. I warned you. I told you not to give in, not to use the spells. I thought that you would trust me.”

There was desperation in his voice, a kind of desperate disappointment which was far worse that just being yelled at, expelled or otherwise punished.

Just like when Remus had lost it after saving him from Snape with the Marauder’s map in hand three years ago, Harry thought and wiped his eyes.

“Again, I am like you. You wouldn’t listen back then, too, and I had the gall to call you out for this only yesterday. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“You have meant harm, Harry, otherwise the curse wouldn’t have worked.”, Snape stated matter-of-factly. He wasn't finished.

“I don’t care if Draco used an Unforgivable or not. You had no business there and your regret doesn’t change the fact that you could have killed him. You have almost become a murderer. Ignorance does not protect against punishment and harm.”

Harry flinched. Hearing those words spoken out aloud hurt a lot, but to endure this was the least he could do, he decided. Snape waited until he seemed ready to go on and listen.

“But again, Harry; what I did, what happened to me, what happened to my life is incomparable to the wrongs you have committed."

"It’s only the principle of seduction, bad seduction, that is similar. The circumstances alter, but Dark Magic always reaches out for your weakest spot, for your highest emotions, for any unbalance within your heart and soul. It will wait to catch you unguarded and once you draw your attention to it, it will embrace you, comfort you, make you feel that you would do better with it. It will tease you until it you’ll keep it in the back of your mind, both willingly and subconsciously.”

“How do you know so much about it, about that curse? How do you know that it was Dark Magic and where did you learn the counter curse? Why didn’t you tell me?”, Harry asked, entirely overburdened by the new wave of knowledge and Snape’s ensnaring explanation.

“Are you ready for another full truth, Harry? It’s not as dark as yesterday’s, I promise.”, Snape asked back and looked at him in caution.

Honestly, Harry didn’t know. He felt like he had bitten off more than he could chew while the point of return had gone long time ago. A shrug was all he could muster.

“I need you to decide, Harry.”, Snape said mercilessly.

“Fine. Tell me, then.” Whatever it was, it couldn't be worse than all he had learned before.

“I am the Half-Blood Prince.”

Harry blinked. Apparently, it could have gotten worse. His brain couldn’t stomach the information.

“Wait – what – you – you are a half-blood?”, he gasped in utter shock. “You’re joking. You can’t be… Remus and Arthur checked the book and said it was about fifty years old at least.”

Snape stopped caressing his back, but Harry grabbed the pale wrists and laid them back.

If the man shocked him on a regular basis, he might as well comfort him afterwards.

Absently but no less gentle than before, he continued mapping Harry’s back with his strong and slender hands. It felt too good to be true.

“You will find that the Weasley’s are not the only family relying on old or hand-me-down books. It was my mother’s.”

Snape’s gaze was unfocused, his tone sad. Suddenly, Harry understood.

The tall, hooked-nose man who had behaved like a muggle wife-beater in Snape’s memories had been a muggle; not a wizard using the muggle way of questionable punishment.

“Your father… but your mother… why did she never…”

“Fight back? Defend herself? Protect her? Protect me? Take care of me apart from letting me read all day long in her ever-so-friendly family’s books? I don’t know why she gave up or when or how.”

Harry started crying again.

“I suppose it’s got something to do with my… creation.”, Snape continued unaffected. “My father was a drunk, but in his determined mind, he kind of believed in the value of a family, even a broken one. He hated magic, didn’t like anything at all. I still don’t know how or when he found out about it. Maybe he felt betrayed, maybe he couldn’t deal with a powerful woman next to him… anyway, it’s too late to care now. They’re both gone.”

Sadness joined Harry’s feelings. Just like Voldemort’s mother, Snape’s mom had given up on her son, too. He would never understand how people or parents would be capable of committing such crime, just like he would never understand how parents could spoil their own son rotten and treat their child in care worse than animals.

“Your shields are down, Harry. I know what you are thinking, but this isn’t about my childhood or yours or his.”, Snape said and softly brought him back to reality.

“We need to go to Minerva and bring you back to your house, nevertheless. If you want to, you may return later and we’ll talk about the book, the seduction… whatever you like. We should also talk about our planning as well. I daresay you just pour your heart out for that I make sure you’re not seduced again.”

“Back to business, are we?”, Harry muttered and promptly apologized at the sight of Snape’s stern expression. He was definitely not out of the woods with him and McGonagall was yet to come.

“Give me a minute. Please.”, he added quickly and was permitted to remain seated on Snape’s lap who finally had managed to stop the nosebleed and healed his eyes.

Close, they were so close. Harry felt the warmth and agitation of Snape’s body, felt his breath on his skin as well as the piercing black eyes that were looking at him in a mixture of worry, shock and something he couldn’t identify.

Snape’s arms were still firmly wrapped around Harry’s body, one hand now caressing the back of his neck, the other one his lower back. His deep and steady breaths suddenly turned into something intoxicating and positively arousing.

Harry wished to stay like this for more than just a minute. In awe, he studied Snape’s face with his beautiful long eyelashes, the striking nose and prominent jaw and the slightly opened mouth.

His thin and light pink lips slowly parted and the tip of his tongue licked them more or less innocently, depending on if he was aware of the seductive gaze in his eyes or not.

“You will want to get off me if you don’t feel overly comfortable right now, Harry.”, Snape whispered huskily and desperately tried to stop his head from moving forward.

“Too bad I feel like I am right were I should be.”, Harry panted in his right ear, relishing the feeling of Snape’s hair softly tickling the tip of his nose.

He closed his eyes and his nose automatically led the way from Snape's ear to those captivating cheekbones and right to the tip of Snape’s nose. To his relief, their breath was equally ragged by now. He closed his eyes. 

While Snape bent his head to the right, Harry decided to mirror his movement blindly until his lush lips met the thin ones of his counterpart.

It felt like the rise of a thousand winter suns on a snowy morning. Warming and breath-taking to no end. He would cherish this moment forever.

With their mouths softly pressed against each other, they froze for a moment until Harry’s patience wore out and he let his instinct take control.

His lips gently captured Snape’s in short but sensual attempts and the response he got, an ever-so-soft groan and lips trying to capture his own as well, felt like one of the most beautiful things he had been ever allowed to live.

Snape gently nipped on his lower lip, caressing the lushest part with his tongue.

His hand was no longer rested in the back of his neck but affectionately stroking his cheek. This time, it was Harry’s light groan disrupting the silence.

Slowly but steady, Snape retreated after what seemedmore than a minute. Seeing Harry’s forming pout, he just laid a finger on the now red and slightly swollen lips.

“Hush, Harry.”, he breathed. “Before we remain here and start a new topic, especially something sensitive like this, we should make sure to fix the ongoing issues.”

Harry pouted nevertheless. They just had shared a moment of pure magic, he thought and instantly ridiculed himself for this foolish pun. “But… later?”, he asked, all hopeful an eager again.

“As I said, you may visit later. We have work to do and whatever we just did requires a conversation as well.”

Snape smiled at him reassuringly. He didn’t look like he was angry about their kiss.

“Well, off to the lion’s den, I’d say. Could you please make sure that Mc- Professor McGonagall won’t transform me into a goblet or statue or something like that?”, Harry replied in defeat.

“I will plead for detention with me until the end of the year. Every Saturday – yes, Harry, there will be official consequences – but we don’t need to tell anyone what you will do during those lessons. I think Minerva will accept this punishment. If not, we'll make it every Saturday and Sunday.”

Once both of them were back on their feet and had their robes and looks fixed, Snape pulled him into a Mum-hug before leading him to the stone wall.

Eyes and mind occluded, Harry silently followed him with a racing heart and burning desire.

It wouldn’t be pleasant, but somehow, Harry felt alright.


	15. Ensnaring the Senses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes back to the dungeons after McGonagall and his friends had their go at him. The longest night of his life turns out to be better than winning a thousand Quidditch cups at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments and kudos 🥰🙏
> 
> Due to the end of my holidays, I won't be able to update the story on a daily basis anymore, but weekly at last. I am sorry and I hope you'll stay with me nevertheless 🙏

Harry couldn’t be more relieved to find himself back in the dungeons. McGonagall’s fury had been beyond everything he could have dreamt of.

Not to mention Hermione's jibes and Ginny's attempt to hide the book with him. Shooting a grateful glance at Ron for defending him, he left the common room and went downstairs again.

Snape already waited for him on the couch,. Two big pots of tea and some chocolate to snack were already placed on the coffee table.

“Would you like to know more about the book?”, asked Snape. 

Foregoing small-talk, Harry thought but didn’t wonder after today’s events.

“As long as you don’t teach me anything of it.”, Harry muttered, sitting on Snape’s lap again. He had no desire to sit elsewhere and pouted when he was lifted up and gently put down on his spot.

“I guess it will be another long night for us and I don’t want you to get heavy this early.”, Snape winked and got all serious a second later.

“Let's see... My mother’s maiden name was Prince and after all those hours reading about our once accepted position in the wizarding world, about the use of magic and potions, about the creation of spells, I sort of wanted to belong to that family, even if I never have met one of my relatives until today.”, Snape said with a sad smile.

“I was proud to outplay all Slytherin purebloods and I was proud that I at least had inherited a great deal of magical and mental power... The Half-Blood Prince became my wicked, confident and twisted alter ego, incredibly ambitious and menacingly investigative and inventive at the same time.”, he continued, ignoring Harry’s snort.

“I told you that Dark Magic had affected, embraced and seduced me from very early on and I ached for the thrill, for the satisfaction... I ached to belong somewhere, I saught power. When I got older; when your mother and I fought more often, my subconscious mind suspected that _they_ were just offering me an illusion of protection, power and belonging to exploit my strengths, but I have already been weakened too much by the emptiness inside me. I was much less under control than I am today.”

Snape could tell a story, Harry mused. He found himself entirely thrilled by Snape's life story and realized too late that he was gaping at him like a fish on land.

Licking his dry lips, he quickly shut his mouth, not knowing what to say until a question formed in his head.

“How do you withstand Dark Magic and the Dark Arts today?”, he finally whispered.

“A wise question. Active defence and obtaining control over dark creatures form one part of it. Another part is – you’ll probably guess it by now – occluding your mind and emotions... Awareness is also important. You have to sense it, feel it, embrace it but always know or at least anticipate what it might do to you.”, Snape explained and a spark of light reflected from his eyes. There it was, the devoted tone he had used in Harry's first Defence class in September as well. 

“Know your own weaknesses and how to protect them. The closer one works with the Dark Arts, the more important. Show respect, not arrogance... Superiority, dependency and an ignorant sense of security will likely be one’s downfall.”

They’d both been there, done that. Harry nodded and really understood what Snape tried to explain.

“You have to feel everything, Harry, soak everything in, but not let it affect you in ways that don’t comply with your morals. It’s a constant balancing act, and it can be a beautiful one all the more... Feel the magic inside you; Harry. Feel it in every part of your body, let it consume you. Magic per se is neither black nor white.”

Harry’s breath accelerated and sweat started to form on his forehead. Listening to Snape’s silky, dark and drawling voice could be captivating enough, as long as he was not in his bullying mood, but the combination of the sound and information about the Dark Arts sent overwhelming chills down his spine.

Snape fumbled a minute or two in his pockets and finally pulled out a pristine white handkerchief. Instead of just handing it over to Harry, he began dabbing it on his sweat-covered forehead.

The light touches, the brush of those long fingers against his hair and scar almost made him moan.

“I see.”, Snape whispered, grinning at Harry’s blush.

“You have no idea.”, Harry panted. The scent of fresh herbs, old parchment and cold earth hung in the air, mercilessly bewitching his self-control. 

“No idea about what? The seduction of the Dark Arts?” Snape's grin widened.

“It’s not as if that’s the only kind of seduction.”, Harry shyly admitted. He was sure that his face had turned scarlet red.

Snape smiled mildly at him. “I’m a head of house, Harry. And I believe you prefer me over Minerva concering this. What is it that you want to find out?... Why didn’t you fight me earlier but engaged further with me?”

There was definitely too much friendliness and wit in Snape’s voice. Shaking with suppressed emotions, Harry was so taken aback that the rather social-autistic Snape had actually made an implication about teenage love and referred this lightly to their shared kiss that he completely forgot shielding his mind and posture. If possible, his face kept blushing.

“How… I… no! It’s not like that…”, he defended himself almost hysterically. Snape's eyes betrayed a hint of sadness before he suddenly looked like a cat that was about to get the cream.

“I see. Are we having a love rectangle in Gryffindor house? Do you feel the need to keep up with others? Trust me, anything at your age would be completely normal... Even kissing someone you dreaded not even a whole year before.” The corners of his mouth twitched in sheer joy and banter.

“Are you out of your mind?”, Harry exclaimed and recognized his rude cheek too late as Snape’s pincer-like grip had him already holding by his chin.

“I may be in a better mood now, Harry, but watch your tongue. I assure you that I am more in my right might than you are... in every sense.”, he whispered, his voice dead cold.

Eyes wide open; Harry just nodded and swore to never say that again to him or any other double agent in the world, should he ever meet one. Snape was able to answer to any kind of scenery. It was downright scary sometimes.

“Very well. Go on, then.”, Snape murmured against his ear as though Harry had never lashed out a moment ago.

“It’s madness. Utter madness. All everyone ever talks about is boys and girls and bodies and snogging and I don’t know what else. I can’t walk without feeling preying eyes on me... It is so bloody awkward... And in case you have referred to Ron, Hermione and Lavender, please don’t mention it ever again. Both of my best friends are unbelieveably stubborn and loyal and argh…”, Harry pulled his hair.

“If you were referring to me... I don’t know what to do with all those hints at Ginny. I mean she’s an amazing friend great, but what do they expect? Am I supposed to fall for her?”

He had intended his questions to be of rhethorical nature, wherefore it shook him to the core to see Snape flinching and pulling a face. Irritated, Harry remained silent. This day and night were full of surprises, indeed. 

Looking up at the ceiling, Snape cleared his throat and closed his eyes. “I daresay say that this is just the occasional teenage drama which I live to endure for the twenty-second time at Hogwarts. As for your adoptive family’s member, one could think that you would made a perfect Hogwarts couple in terms of being Gryffindors, sharing a talent for Quidditch and being too daring, feisty, courageous and determined for your own good. In my words, you would be just another Potter with a capable and gifted red-headed witch.”

His words stung although Harry still struggled with the fact that Snape somehow loved his mother. Inwardly, he was terribly afraid that Snape would fall back into the old ‘like father, like son’ pattern. He never wanted to travel this path again. He wanted…

Well, that was a difficult thing to say. Although he genuinely liked the female body and considered Hermione, Ginny, Luna and Tonks beautiful women with strong characters and a heart of gold, he felt inexplicably more attracted to men, especially like the one in the fantasy or... _shit_.

His mind drifted automatically to Snape and their shared moment together, how his thin lips had been capable to transfer the sweetest emotions and make him longing for more. Yes, Harry registered, he subconsciously had developed a major crush on his professor, source of misery, regular saviour and… friend.

In between all those practices, lessons, lectures, arguments, shared private moments and mutual silence, they had had developed the strangest of friendships and most extreme interpretation of trust, which was clearly settled far beyond normal limits.

Without hesitation, he knew that he didn’t want to risk or endanger their current relationship, despite escalating discussions, their partial awkwardness with each other and the world. Not to mention their struggle to build trust while dealing with their pasts and the fate of the whole wizarding world.

Harry liked talking to Snape, he liked being in his quarters; down here, he felt secure and taken seriously. Furthermore, in absence of other students and the public eye, Snape’s witty remarks and overdramatic reactions were hilarious and quite enjoyable.

He mentally smacked himself for neither having seen those obvious parallels to the Half-Blood Prince nor their shared spiky handwriting, which he had also come to like a lot.

Flashes of past evenings came up his mind and a warmth spread from his heart. Harry was touched that Snape really tried to see him and he was fine with it. The more often they met, the more he found out about the man and his nature, the closer they got.

Also, despite his unforgivable naivety, Snape had chosen the light even if he didn’t consider himself worthy of it.

Right now, thinking of his recently developed crush on him; Harry found that his outer appearance had a different impact on him, too. Snape would never look pleasant or beautiful or kind according to the mainstream, but there were hidden aspects like his eyes, hands or general slenderness he had come to adore.

No, Harry was not ready to give up on their connection just because of some stupid teenage hassle. Especially not after tonight.

No, he would respond to Snape’s pained remark and make sure that the man understood that his intentions were different to what the Gryffindor team showed on the surface.

“I’m sorry.”, he said quietly.

“I don’t see your fault in any of this. But if I may give you an advice, Harry, you would do well to find out what you want for yourself and don’t pay attention to any outer expectations or suggestions, including mine.”, Snape replied with bitterness in his voice.

“If the topic bothers you this much, maybe find out before the war reaches its peak. And in case there should be someone someday, I suggest you keep this information most protected or wait until the war is over... Weak spots, you remember.”

Snape refused to look in his eyes but watched the two magnificent window frames and the way the lilies and daffodils softly dandled around the ornated stems and leaves.

“But what about us?”, Harry protested and quicky covered his mouth with his hands, shocked by his own open-hearted revelation.

“Ahhhh, I see.”, Snape said all softly again and slowly turned his head. “I must not explain that we crossed several lines earlier and that, if it weren’t for my additional wards and your special status, I would be fired by now.”

“You know that the professor-student-thing is not the thing to worry about.”, Harry interjected.

“I know.”, Snape replied impatiently and shot him a warning glance to stop interrupting him. “Nor is our age gap or that you still are a minor even if you are of age of consent or that I was born the same year as your parents.”

"What is it, Severus? Tell me."

“I… What I… Well, it’s…”, he suddenly stammered all helplessly and Harry fought the urge to say something. “It was cunning of me to pull you on my lab and kiss you while we were still dealing with the topic of seduction. I am sorry. I couldn’t help myself and my emotions took over. I behaved like a lur-“

“Lion.”, Harry interrupted stubbornly. “You behaved like a Gryffindor. And I didn’t feel like you were taking advantage of the situation or lusted after me just because I am a young man.”

Snape shrugged, as always when he disagreed but didn’t want to elaborate on it. It could be maddening. Sighing loudly, Harry rolled his eyes and took a long slender hand in his.

“See, now I am the bad guy.”, he grinned cheekily and finally, a shy smile appeared on the other one’s face. “Honestly, Severus. Do not feel bad about it. There’s no reason for it. I liked kissing you.”

Snape blushed and occupied himself with his mug of tea for a deliberately long time. “I have no idea.”, he finally said and put his mug down again.

“No idea about what?”

“About this…”, his free hand waved in between them. The usually white face turned into the darkest shades of red. Whatever it was, Snape was frightened and ashamed of it without end.

“I didn’t lie when I told you that I don’t engage in relationships and actually… I never engaged in any of this at all... I have no idea what to do or what to say. I just can say that I would rather not have the things I’ve seen become true in my own… life.”, he concluded.

Harry noticed a slight tremble across his body, revealing more of Snape’s massive distress. Unpredictably, a deep laughter escaped his throat, causing Snape to furrow his brows.

“Sorry, no… don’t look at me like that.”, he quickly said and forced himself to cool down. “I am just happy.”

“What? Harry, honestly, don’t toy with me. I can’t deal with that. Its bad enough that I liked it.”, Snape hissed.

His magic tingled in the air, ready to lash out if his privacy was ridiculed once more. Brows even more furrowed and eyes showing his infamous death glare, Snape could as well have saved his breath. His anger was all visible.

“No no no no no... I am not happy that you could never enjoy a relationship or an affair or I don’t know what else. That's sad, in contrast... I am happy because I have no idea what to do next either, because my experience consists of one kiss with Cho and she was crying because of Cedric. We can’t look at each other anymore.”, Harry quickly explained.

“Are you suggesting that… you don’t mind?”, Snape asked anxiously. Hope showed up in his eyes with the same shyness and caution that little children always displayed when they were hiding behind their parent's legs and only slowoly came forward to meet a stranger.

“What? Hell, no! I am glad because we finally have a mutual starting point and if I am not fooled, you would like to act on this as well...", Harry said in surprise at Snape's extreme insecurity. "It is perfect that you got your hopes up, because I like being close to you. Besides, can you imagine yourself being far more experienced than me and teaching me… whatever private thing this is?... God, you are a dreadful teacher and I am happy that you just can’t boss me around in this.”

Snape snorted and pulled Harry into a hug. His face was only centimetres away from his and the darkened eyelids fluttered more and more until they completely covered the night sky that was his eyes.

Harry leaned in and for the second time in a day, they shared another slow and tender kiss. Hands entangled in the other one’s black hair, Harry soon found himself sitting on Snape's lap again; legs wide spread and groins dangerously close to each other.

“Harry, wait a second.”, Snape panted and broke their kiss.

“What is it now, Severus?”, Harry purred and tried his best to sing his name in a seductive melody.

According to the amused look on Snape’s face, he had failed spectacularly.

“You and I agree on finding out whatever this is, whatever we are, am I correct?”

Harry nodded.

“Given the teacher-student circumstance, our shared past, our mutual tendency to be hot-headed and at times insecure, our mission for the wizarding world… I would like to establish a broader common ground. There is too much at risk to simply fool around. And... don't laugh at me... I really care for you and don’t want you to get hurt by this.”

That made sense, Harry mused and silently thanked Snape for being the grown-up, at least now. He nodded again with an earnest expression on his face.

“I don’t take this lightly, I simply can’t.”, Snape explained and even more sounded dead serious. “I want to know if you are interested in exploring your youth and sexuality or if you prefer to try for something more… serious and lasting which would, in my view, include exclusivity.”

Harry thought for a moment. Snape had made it sound like he was about planning to get married. On the other hand, he couldn’t have expected something different from a man like him and apart from that, most relationships were based on faithfulness, regardless of them ending in marriage or break-up.

When Snape’s gaze dropped and sorrow started to leak through his posture, Harry cupped the man’s cheeks with both his hands and started ghosting feather-light kisses all over his face; lingering a little on the thick eyebrows and lovely cheekbones before finally laying his lush lips on the thin pair.

“I am somehow drawn to you and I like being around you… like you... practicing with you… talking to you… just sitting with you… in comfortable silence... No matter how… exhausting…. our fights can be or how…. justified they are, you make me understand… make me feel… make me… grow… make me want to... stay.”, he panted between kisses and and their tongues trying to explore the other one’s mouth.

Snape halted and his eyes glistened in happy tears. For the first time, Harry saw a true happy, genuine and wide smile on his face that wholeheartedly revealed the uneven teeth and tempting tongue.

“I take that as a yes for my second suggestion... I had hoped for it... Thank you.”, he breathed while Harry's thumb gently wiped away a single tear that had left his eye.

“No need to thank me, Mr Obvious.”, he grinned and sensually started to devour his mouth again.

“Harry…”, Snape whimpered, far too soon to Harry's taste. 

“What now, Severus?”

“I need you to swear that you will never stop occlumency practice. If anyone finds out – don’t interrupt, I’m not talking about our greater mission – … I mean, could you bear the thought that someone like Bellatrix would take care of your friends in order to find out your newest soft spot after her success with Black? Could you bear losing someone dear over this? Could you bear witnessing the torture of someone you love, knowing it’s not them they want to break but you? Could you bear seeing me being tortured to death after this would proof my true loyalties?”

The severeness in Snape’s voice hinted that he exactly knew what he talked about, that he had not referred to a hypothetical situation at any time. Harry gulped.

If the Death Eaters found out, Snape would be a dead man. That mch was clear. If Harry’s friends or someone from the Order knew about them and got captured by Death Eaters, which wasn’t too unlikely to be honest, Snape would face a terrible death, too, while the Order would lose its spy and his captured friends would most likely die as well.

“I see. I swear I’ll never stop, Severus.”, he said quietly, not sure if he would ever be ready for any of the mentioned scenarios.

“Love is only a strength to those who feel it, Harry. To him and his likes, it’s more often than not a welcome offering to cause great pain and damage, despite its original power.”

Harry shifted closer to Snape until he directly sat on his groin. The two of them deeply inhaled and let sweet moans escape their throats.

His hand wandered to the slender waist covered in black clothes while Snape slowly cupped his lean but muscular breast with his hands. When he circled his sensitive nipples, which had become clearly visible through the grey school pullover, Harry groaned loudly and absently started rocking his hips.

“You are so beautiful, Harry.”, Snape breathed and looked at him in awe. Hands wandered down his torso, strong thumbs trailing down a path between his abdominals until they finally reached the end of the fabric and started caressing the soft skin beneath it.

“Severus... Don’t stop.”, Harry replied, his fingers already fumbling with the thousands of buttons that shielded Snape’s fragile body. In response, his breathing accelerated quite a lot. Soon, pale skin shone like ivory in the dim lights of his dungeon. A wave of profound happiness and adoration hit Harry at the sight of it.

By the way Snape was tilting his head backwards out of sheer pleasure and joy and presented his bobbing and distinctive Adam’s apple, Harry couldn’t resist but kiss and tease every little bit of the exposed skin with his lips and tongue.

Gnawing on his earlobe, Snape pressed him even closer against himself, his hips now moving with the rhythm of Harry’s. A whispered incantation later and both of them wordlessly stared at their bared torsos, not knowing where to caress and touch the other one first.

“You have to teach me that spell one day.”, Harry panted in admiration.

“Everything.”, Snape replied and his dark eyes sparkled awestruck.

Slowly Harry slid down from his lap and kneeled between his long and lean legs.

“You don’t have to-“, he interjected, but Harry just bit into his inner thigh with a luscious grin.

“I want to. I ache for it.”, he replied and rubbed his head against the area his teeth had wolfishly sunken into.

Snape’s loud gasp only reinforced Harry's lust and arousal while his fingers ghosted over the waistband and the clearly visible bulge under those soft black woollen trousers.

Impatient and belt already undone, he got them down to Snape's ankles, just to casually kiss his way up afterwards until his nose nudged against the man's round and swollen balls.

“Harry, I… you’re soooo good…”, he exclaimed and writhed under the passionate and sensual touches. As the cool air engulfed the head of his throbbing cock, both he and Harry felt like they were entering heaven.

Lush and soft lips kissed the already pulsing head, licked away the pre-cum that had stained his black trousers long before it was finally freed. Harry let his instincts take over and wouldn't have mind doing this for the rest of the night.

Snape couldn’t help but let out a throaty and powerful groan that made them both shiver in sheer delight.

Harry massaged his tightening balls with his Seeker-trained fingers while he bobbed down on his shaft, pushing the velvety foreskin above the head on down to the base over and over again. Snape’s musk was as intoxicating as his body and the noises that came out of the most wonderful parted lips he had ever seen sounded like a symphony to him.

Dominantly, Harry accelerated his movements and felt Snape tense in joyful anticipation of his climax.

“Close, Harry… so close.”, he heard him scream in a bliss, wherefore he focused straight on the delicious head that was again soaked in pre-cum.

When his tongue swirled around the passage between shaft and head and his green eyes looked up to find the black pair, Snape’s body shook and he screamed his name while spending his seed in heavy strikes.

Harry swallowed and inwardly swore to have found a new favourite taste. The bitterness and muskiness of his cumharmonised in a way that made him shiver in pleasure.

“That was… Harry… what did…”, Snape panted and wiped off the sweat of his forehead.

“Don’t talk… enjoy… I just followed my instincts, nothing more.”, Harry grinned and gave the emptied balls a last kiss.

He didn’t mind that he was still as hard as a rock. The feeling of loving Snape this way was more than wonderful and satisfactory.

“Get up.”, Snape commanded suddenly. 

Had he done something wrong? Did Snape already regret their decision?

Hesitantly, Harry got up to his feet and was immediately dragged forward until his shins touched the warm leather of the dark green couch.

“If you take pleasure in following your instincts as one of your talents and strengths, I would like to perform on mine as well and... experiment a little.”, Snape said huskily and his glistening eyes betrayed the hidden and perfectly sinful intention.

He sat up straight on the couch and kissed the bulged area of Harry’s trousers with a demanding force until a flick of his finger opened them. Lean as his frame was, they immediately dropped to the floor.

Before he could fully realize what Snape had done, he felt a wicked tongue pressing and rolling against his balls and shaft which were covered by thin red boxershorts only. The intensity hit him like a ton of bricks.

Next thing he noticed, slender fingers tucked under the red waistband and pulled his boxershorts down little by little, while the wonderful tongue sensually licked every piece of skin revealed until his fully erect penis finally sprang free.

Harry dared to open his eyes and the sight of Snape, seated naked on his couch with his trousers by the ankles, his mouth currently engulfing savouring his cock's head and shaft, made him rock his hips carefully.

“You are delicious, Harry.”, Snape breathed between heated kisses on the pre-cum-leaking tip before his head bobbed back and forth at an increasing speed.

Long and trained fingers had taken care of Harry’s balls and he felt like he was the king of the world.

“Severus… I love your… experiment…”, he said breathlessly, eyes closed and head laid back into his neck.

Snape sucked on his head, sucked on his balls and swallowed his pre-cum with growing desire. Harry was getting awfully close. Snape was everywhere, ensnaring his senses in the most captivating way. He couldn't help but buck his hips and cry out in pleasure.

When the man pulled his long hair back and lifted his head, the last thing Harry recognized were his teeth gently scraping on the throbbing tip of his cock before his world exploded again into a thousand shining stars and a gleaming white light of pure luck shook his body.

Snape swallowed his cum just like Harry had done before and another genuine smile appeared on his lips.

Knees weakened from pleasure, Harry sat down on his lap again. In awe, they studied their gazes and faces and shared the most gentle and affectionate kiss ever so far.

After a while, Snape relocated him again, stood up, got dressed again and pulled on one of his black teacher’s robes.

“We better hide the book, Harry, where no one but us will find it. I’ll accompany you and escort you back to your common room. Don’t forget; no one can know. Never.”

Harry stared at him in disbelief. He rather stayed in here forever. Snape playfully rolled his still shining eyes at him.

“Before we shall switch back to our usual selves, would you like to say something else?”

Still back to reality, Harry thought while also getting dressed. As ever so often, Snape was right, though.

There was something else indeed. Something suffocating, now that his highest high and deepest low had left him in a state of utter exhaustion. It had been a long day and night and there was no forgetting about what had them placed into this situation at all.

“I could have killed you today. Your nosebleed, your eyes… if I had killed Malfoy, you would have died, too... I… never… not anymore… not you… I’m so so-“

“I know, Harry. But this is why you are a young and I am an old man. I know you don’t wish for my death anymore. It’s alright. I am not angry with you. Come on, now. We’ll meet again soon, I promise and I am already looking forward to it.”, Snape smiled and affectionately kissed him one last time.

Faces blank and features neutral, they didn’t even need to agree upon where they would hide the Prince’s book.

The moment the door to the Room of Requirement vanished again, a beautiful sunrise accompanied them on their way to Gryffindor tower. Finally, they had become one.


	16. Detention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry serves his first special detention with Snape while Gryffindor aims for the Quidditch cup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be aware of quite some fluff and smut 🤭☺
> 
> The chapter has been re-read and most of the typos and other mistakes should be gone now. 
> 
> Enjoy! 🤗

Gryffindor tower was on the edge. Everybody, even the portraits could sense it.

The younger students were too afraid to stay in the common room as soon as Harry showed up while the older students alternated between respect, disbelief and worry about the house cup and Quidditch final.

Ron, Ginny and Hermione, who had eventually stopped picking on the Half-Blood Prince and Harry’s recklessness, were terribly worried about a possible act of revenge from the Slytherins instead.

In consequence, they didn’t leave him alone outside Gryffindor tower any longer and encircled him in a very odd interpretation of bodyguards.

Even all former D.A. members offered to keep an eye out on Malfoy and his sidekicks which promptly led to five admissions to the hospital wing from all houses during the course of one week.

By Friday evening, the tension had become unbearable in the Great Hall. Just before Harry could yell at his three friends for wanting half an hour of peace and quiet at least, Dumbledore reprimanded the whole student body for its passive-aggressive behaviour, leading to the first stock-still dinner Harry had ever lived at Hogwarts.

Snape and his gaze met for a brief moment. Occluded as ever, he couldn’t tell if Snape wanted to warn or reassure him or simply acknowledge his presence.

They had not seen each other since their walk to Gryffindor tower and upholding their official attitude towards each other turned out to be much more difficult than expected.

Snape was constantly on his mind, if hidden far behind his occlumency shields and protection.

Whenever Harry was granted a moment of peace in the boys’ lavatory or on his bed at night, memories of their affection, embraces, kisses and touches filled him with joy and pleasure.

Soon after every of his multiple climaxes, they also left him with an aching longing for more.

++++++++

On the morning of his first assigned detention, Ron, Ginny and Hermione naturally escorted him to the Defence classroom where a particularly grumpy black owl had informed him to show up.

“Ahhh… let’s see. The brave Chosen One is incapable of wandering the school all by himself after nearly murdering a fellow student. How very much like your father you are, Potter. Whenever he played one of his little… _tricks_ on anybody, he, too, felt the urge to hide behind the three sidekicks he called friends.”, Snape welcomed the four of them in the door frame, arms crossed.

Ginny’s hand instantly closed around her wand until Ron heavily elbowed her while shooting death glares at a wryly grinning Snape, who just seemed downright amused by the spectacle.

“In case the three of you didn’t plot with Mr Potter and actually intended to murder Mr Malfoy, I suggest you return to your common room this instant.”, Snape continued but his voice had taken the darker and venomous undertone which usually was reserved for Harry, and Harry only.

“But Sir, we need to know when Harry’s detention will be over. You are obliged to tell us because of the latest issues.”, Hermione demanded despite Ron’s and Harry’s obvious twisting in defeat.

“Mr Potter will be fine and escorted back to Gryffindor tower by myself after he has sufficiently learned his lesson for today, Miss Granger. You should know by now that some messages take a little longer to sink in, wherefore I am unable to tell you how long I will have to endure his presence.”, Snape drawled in dangerously soft tones.

“But rest assured that I taught my house better than to become felons at the age of seventeen or younger. Mr Potter will arrive in one piece, I promise.”

Reluctantly nodding, Hermione finally retreated and turned to leave with the other two.

“Oh, you will want to pay the Great Hall a visit, Miss Granger and Weasleys Nr. 6 and 7. I think some rubies might have gotten lost during your insufferable interference with Mr Potter's punishment. Good luck winning the game and making up for your loss.”, he called them back before eventually slamming the door and warding it meticulously.

++++++++

Insecure, Harry stood in the middle of the classroom whose furniture was stacked alongside the walls. When two thin arms pulled him into a deep hug from behind, relief washed over his body and he closed his eyes.

“Don’t worry, it’s been only five points.”, Snape whispered in his ear before turning him around and capturing his lips with a long and affectionate kiss.

Harry’s body answered all too happily, but when his hands more or less automatically reached for the man’s firm backside, the kiss was immediately broken.

“You have a detention to serve, pumpkin.”, Snape said and guided him to the teacher’s desk.

A tiny shade of red appeared on his cheeks and Harry couldn’t help but fall in love with the pretty sight of it until he stumbled across something.

“Pumpkin?”, he asked baffled. He hadn’t thought of pet names before and never imagined Snape being into them at all.

“Because of that thick skull of yours that I have come to like quite much.”, he simply replied with a wink and tossed an empty notebook in his arms.

“During your detentions, we will duel for an hour, brew for an hour and gather information about horcruxes and wards. Maybe work a little on charms and transfiguration, too. – Yes, I have experimented in those fields as well. The notebook might help you to recall the most essential facts.”

“I know the purpose of a notebook.”, Harry said slightly apprehended.

Snape just shrugged and moved to the other side of the classroom. “Now, you will attack me and defend yourself nonverbally. On the count of three, Harry. One, two, three.”

Harry lasted exactly fifty-five minutes. Soaked in sweat, he stared at the classroom’s ceiling for the nineteenth time.

“Get up, Harry.”, Snape said and straightened his robes. He didn’t seem affected at all.

“Butt hurts.”, Harry grumbled and tried sending a stinging hex cross-legged instead.

The power of Snape’s _Protego_ charm just pushed him back on the ground harder than ever before.

“Stop whining and get up. You need to improve your condition and learn more spells and jinxes by heart. You are too slow, too predictable even when you don’t cast aloud. From now own, half an hour of occlumency practice and half an hour learning spells before you go to bed. And a morning run of half an hour. This is an order.”, Snape retorted and forced him nonverbally back on his feet.

Harry nodded grumpily. In silence, they re-arranged the classroom and turned to leave.

Still pouting, Harry hissed when a strong hand held him back and forced him to look into Snape’s softened gaze.

At least a thin layer of sweat covered was visible on his skin, he thought and absently rubbed his sore backside.

“I’ll take care of your butt later if you want me to. Come on now, we don’t have all day and my lab is waiting for us.”, Snape smiled and shyly kissed him on his cheek.

Business first, Harry thought with growing dislike. He couldn’t wait for Voldemort to be gone.

++++++++

To his relief, their brewing session passed in a flash. Snape was still his stern and impatient self while telling Harry how to adjust his techniques but somehow, it went better than expected.

The Bubble-Head Charm on him did wonders and in combination with the Impervius Charm, he could actually work for the first time without being restricted by his own body.

On the other hand, they had been working on basic healing potions and strengthening solutions from third and fourth year only.

Harry didn’t want to know how Snape would react when they would eventually work on something more advanced.

“Severus, why…?”, Harry began but was cut off.

“There is a reason, Harry. I am unable to reveal more at the present time, I’m sorry.” Snape sounded defeated.

“Are you serious?” The ivory knife was promptly dropped on the chopping board. He was so sick of secrets and withheld information.

“Harry, before you get angry and I know you are about to, listen to me, please.”, Snape begged and stared straight in the bright green eyes glaring back at him.

“Fine.”, he agreed and inwardly felt grateful that his reaction had brought an end to their brewing session. Despite this one-time success, he dreaded the subject to no end.

Snape nodded and started cleaning the brewing equipment without magic.

Another reason to dislike it. Why bother with magical help?

“It’s about gathering our information anyways. You need to be as independent and as prepared as possible. No one has ever hunted down horcruxes and as far as I can estimate the Dark Lord’s actions, they will be guarded with a lot of dark magic. I want you to be able to help yourself in every aspect, Harry.”

Harry scoffed in response. Sighing, Snape gently kissed his lush and – if things currently weren’t so confusing and serious – incredibly cute pout.

Stubbornly, Harry refused to respond until he couldn’t resist anymore and attacked his significant other’s mouth in full force.

Heavily panting, Snape broke the kiss again. “I don’t wish to torment you with potions, pumpkin. I promise that I will prepare you to the best of my abilities which includes brewing and duelling and not telling you everything right now.” He paused.

“If I may speak in images, everything you and I know about horcruxes and the Dark Lord is highly volatile. Any information revealed at the wrong time is like adding powdered Fire Crabs before a potion is cooled down; it will cause a lethal explosion.”

Harry swayed a little. It was about trust, again.

“You promise to tell me everything as soon as you are able to?”, he asked.

“I promise, Harry. You can always count on me.”, Snape said earnestly. Harry finally smiled and nuzzled against his shoulder.

“Your detention is over. Would you like to join me in my quarters for a while or go back to your tower and find out how the game ended?”, he continued in hushed tones.

In response, Harry just kissed his way up until their lips met, making Snape’s heart skip more than one beat. Gryffindor tower could definitely wait.

++++++++

Neither of them felt the need to sit on the neatly arranged couch and have a mug of tea.

The moment they entered Snape’s private quarter’s, lips and hands were entangled with each other and with an impatient gesture, Harry was lifted off the ground and carried towards the bedroom.

“You’ve done well today, Harry. You’ve done well the whole week.”, Snape whispered in between kisses. 

“I missed you so much..”, Harry panted, already working on the uncountable black buttons. “You have no idea…”

“How much earlier did you get up every day?”, Snape asked and gently laid him down on the huge four-poster bed. The silken sheets and covers were soft as velvet and comfortably cool.

Amused by Harry’s baffled expression, a dark and throaty laughter erupted from him.

“You are not the only one getting to know the pleasure of being with someone.”, he said with blushed cheeks.

“Half an hour, mostly.”, Harry grinned and tossed the black frock coat on the floor.

Wearing a crisp white shirt, an already loosened black collar and black woollen trousers, Snape looked positively seductive as he kneeled on his bed and ruffled his long sleek hair.

It perfectly framed the beautifully reddened cheeks, Harry thought, smiling, but nothing could withstand the shy grin on his lips and his black eyes, darkened with desire.

“Insatiable brat.”, Snape snorted at Harry’s hungry gaze and leaned forward to snog him senseless for a while.

Feeling his cock harden, Harry rubbed his groin against Snape’s who was currently gnawing on his earlobe and caressing his breast and slender waist with his hand.

“I still have no experience, Harry. I just know the theory.”, he murmured at one point, barely audible. “If I do anything you dislike…”

“I don’t like hearing you say things like this, Professor Mood-Killer. Shut up and go on.”, Harry brusquely interrupted and eventually got rid of the black collar around the lean neck with the deliciously bobbing Adam’s apple.

Suddenly, he felt his clothes vanish and instead of feeling exposed, he loudly moaned and caused Snape to wander down his body with millions of sensual kisses.

“What about you?”, he somehow managed to say just before a jolt of pleasure hit him and teeth gently scraped his nipples.

Next thing he felt were lips casually sucking on them and a hand ghosting over his lower abdomen.

“I’m good.”, Snape murmured, drawing an invisible line with his tongue from his nipple to the small navel.

He was devouring him with a passion that could satisfy a whole dorm of horny teenagers.

“I was covered in sweat, Severus. I need to shower before …”, Harry suddenly realized and grumbled when he felt Snape withdraw and kneel on the bed again.

For a brief moment, he wondered if he was being fussy and acting like a mood-killer himself.

Cautiously, he dared to look down on himself and was not too surprised at the sight of his all too eagerly bouncing cock of which pre-cum already leaked and stained the small trail of black hair from his navel to his groin.

If he was honest, he wanted Snape on him and he wanted him now, but something inside him also wanted to make this a pleasant experience for his luscious looking partner, too.

Snape demandingly caressed the soft flesh of his inner thighs and brushed his thumbs repeatedly against his balls which were already taut. His dark eyes glistened even more.

“Well, if that’s the case…” he said with a wry smile, “Who am I to deny the Chosen One a well-deserved shower?”

It took three flicks of his fingers and Harry heard the water running in the bathroom.

“I believe I have to make up for a bath anyway.”, Snape continued coolly and quickly kissed the tip of Harry’s cock before helping the over-aroused man out of the bed.

The cauldron-shape bathtub was already filled with a foam smelling of wild flowers, hay and lime blossoms.

When his body sunk in the wet delight, Harry couldn’t help but moan lustfully and close his eyes.

Snape continued massaging every inch of his body with a presumably self-made liquid soap, starting from his shoulders this time.

It felt much slicker than usual soap and warmer on top. He didn’t mind at all. 

“Trust my lead, Harry.”, he whispered hoarsely in his ear and gently pushed him forward until Harry was on his knees and holding on to the bathtub’s rim.

With his cock getting harder and throbbing in arousal, he needed to spread his legs and cherished the feeling of Snape’s hands directing him to do just the same. They shared a wonderful fluent transition between their movements.

“Go on, please.”, Harry instructed when Snape shortly stopped touching him in order to roll up his sleeves.

To make amends, two thumbs soon caressed his tailbone and moved further down to cherish and massage his buttocks, carefully ghosting over the slender crack between them.

Harry was in a bliss and barely recognized pushing against those sinful hands. “You are…”, he growled and bit his lip.

“… the most beautiful person I ever had the chance to meet.”, Snape answered and sounded no less aroused than him.

“Would you like me to experiment a little longer, Harry?”

Harry’s loud moan with pleasure echoed in the bathroom and probably in Snape’s quarters as well. He felt the man stop again and heard the opening of the soap’s flask.

“That’s another side-effect of being a potions master, am I right?”, he said and took Snape’s chuckle in joyful anticipation for an answer.

Soon enough, a very slick and warm finger separated his buttocks with well-considered movements until it found the round muscle which was already wildly pulsating – not that Harry felt he was in control anymore.

Snape gently pushed against the repeatedly clenching and relaxing muscles and all of a sudden, Harry’s arse decided to take the finger in.

“So tight… so warm… are you okay?”, Snape exclaimed and needed to halt for a second.

Harry, whose nerves were sending lightning bolts of desire and pleasure through his body, was only capable of a frantic nod.

His breath was irregular, loud moans escaped his mouth and he still didn’t dare to open his eyes. It felt too much like heaven to actually happen in his world.

Snape moved his finger in and out, slowly and gently, as if he was afraid to hurt Harry or make a mistake.

“Go on, Severus.”, Harry begged when the tightness and heat became almost unbearable. “I need you to move. Yeeahhh… just like that.”

A second finger joined the first, then a third; together they stretched and caressed Harry until his body shook uncontrollably.

He was getting close, but something else was still missing.

“Leave your hands where they are.”, Snape said huskily. “I want to take care of you now.”

Not even a second later, Harry felt a second hand close around his shaft, sensually pumping it.

“You’re an angel, Severus.”, Harry cried out and gasped for air when the most powerful sensation hit him out of nowhere.

Snape had touched a certain knot inside him while rubbing his other hand’s thumb over the swollen and painfully throbbing tip of his cock.

“Again… Severus… fuck, there… I’m about to… OH GOD, YES!”, he screamed and felt his seed leave his body in heavy spurts.

Gently, Snape’s fingers left his body, too, and he was pulled out of the bathtub and wrapped in a big white towel.

Seated naked and still half-soaked on his lap, Harry felt countless featherlight kisses on his forehead, his cheeks, even his ears and neck until Snape finally reached for his lips.

“You are…”, he began, but was cut off.

“… going to rest for a while, pumpkin. I feel like I need occupy the bathroom, half-soaked and sweaty as this has left me.”, Snape whispered and carried him back to the comfortable four-poster bed.

“You are forbidden to touch yourself in there.”, Harry commanded and stuck his tongue out at the sight of a cocked eyebrow.

“Please.”, he whined. “Trust me.”

Snape’s rock-hard erection was clearly visible through the damp trousers and Harry dearly hoped he wouldn’t take too long.

While the bathtub was refilled and he was left alone in the bedroom, he recognized the small snakes around the bed posts and without realizing what he was doing, he started hissing at them in Parseltongue.

“You sound positively maddening when you talk in Parsel. So unlike him; so innocent and beautiful instead. It's music to me.”, Snape suddenly purred in his ear.

Harry, who had not seen or heard him coming, was too started to say anything. Goosebumps covered his skin. 

Instead, he just turned around and laid face-to-face with a naked man who looked so relaxed and happy that he almost didn’t recognize his face, had it not been for the black eyes and striking but softer looking features.

“I’m afraid I need your help with exploring something new, Mr Potter.”, Snape said in the most seductive tones which got Harry instantly hard again.

“I’ll see what I can do, Professor.”, he replied with the darkest green glimmer of lust in his eyes. 

His lush lips devoured Snape’s mouth before he, too, decided to kiss his way down.

Instead of lingering on the palest nipples in the world, he realized for the first time that Snape’s light and partly sallow skin was covered in scars.

Large and little ones zick-zacked across his chest, abdomen, arms, legs and shoulders. Some looked years old, others were still pink.

Harry held his breath. Snape’s body, marked by the horrors it had witnessed and endured, looked like the finest Italian marble.

He resembled a sculpture of a soldier, of a war hero, of someone incredibly brave. He looked captivating.

“I’m sorry, I should have warned you that I am not as nice to lo-“

“Hush, beautiful.”, Harry replied and put on his most genuine and affectionate smile before lifting his head to meet Snape’s ashamed-looking gaze.

Three kisses later, Snape didn’t seem convinced. He even started to curl up - as far as possible with Harry lying on him.

“All those scars are witnesses of your bravery, of your past and the reason why you deserve the brightest future of all. Severus, I love and will cherish each of them. You are beautiful.”, Harry said earnestly and kissed away the tears that leaked from Snape’s eyes.

“Now, let me show you. Just relax and feel.”

Harry finally made his way down kissing every scar his lips could reach, licking every healed cut his tongue could caress.

“Harry…”, Snape whimpered and instinctively spread his legs further apart.

When Harry’s mouth directly engulfed his large and thick cock, its head already purple, he thrusted his hips forward.

Harry almost gagged but liked the feeling of Snape’s cock filling his mouth too much to truly pay attention to it.

Rather on the contrary, he bobbed his head up and down, slowly but steady increasing both pressure and pace.

Snape writhed in audible pleasure beneath him, constantly loosing control over his limbs.

Harry, who had placed his wand at the end of the bed before, summoned the lube called liquid soap from the bathroom and began smearing it from the tip of his cock to the end of his perineum in sensual strokes.

“May I explore something else, too?”, he asked and took Snape’s throaty groan for a yes. He seemed beautifully close.

On his knees, Harry spread the long and shaking legs a little further and began massaging the perineum with his tongue until he reached further down for Snape’s tight hole, gently pushing against and licking it.

“Enter me and I…”, Snape cried and laid his legs over Harry’s shoulders. Next, his hips slightly lifted and Harry felt his pelvis pushing forward.

“Harry… so much... please...”

“Don’t touch yourself, Severus. This is my treat.”, Harry ordered from between his legs as he saw Snape’s hands moving fast towards his pre-cum leaking cock.

Pouting, he let his hands drop and clasped the sheets instead.

Snape was all on his mind; his nerves resembled a firework and Harry felt his own climax build again just from pleasing him.

The moment his tongue pushed past the ring of muscles and Harry relished Snape’s hot musk dripping from him, both of them were hit by a long and powerful orgasm.

Crying out loud, Harry quickly rose and decorated Snape’s marbled chest with his white ribbons of semen, just like he had already done himself.

Feeling light-headed and ten feet tall, Harry felt the urge to go for his next exploration.

With a wink, he bent over a little and made his way up to Snape’s awestruck face by licking up their blended seed.

“You didn’t… I can shower again…” Insecurity had Snape again. 

“I know, but I've chosen to because I wanted to taste us and lick that marble body of yours.”, Harry replied and rested next to him, giving him a reassuring kiss on the sweat-covered forehead.

They shared some wonderful minutes of companionable silence. 

Harry gently took Snape’s left arm and brought his mouth to the black Dark Mark. It looked so angry on him, so wrong.

"May I?", he asked and Snape, whose body was strained again, nodded hesitantly.

With all affection he possessed, Harry covered the black tattoo with featherlight kisses, showering it in what Voldemort would never understand. 

"I feel so stained.", Snape admitted quietly and his voice sounded thick with tears.

Harry ceased the kissing and pulled him close, slightly rocking him.

"You are not stained, Severus. You are not stained... Shhhh, it's alright.", he whispered reassuringly. Exhausted, Snape leaned in but didn't dare to open his eyes.

Suddenly, the little snakes around his bed posts started to hiss.

“Don't mind them. Sometimes, they do that but I never understood why.”, Snape stated matter-of-factly.

“Hmmm... are you sure? They say that I need to go. You are having an appointment soon.”, Harry replied, a little confused but Snape seemed to understand as he got up and re-dressed.

“It’s almost four in the afternoon, Harry.”, he said. “You’ll be expected in Gryffindor tower by now and I don’t want to meet Miss Granger again today.”

Slowly nodding, Harry felt soft hands cupping his cheeks. Snape helped him get up and used several charms on him. At his bewildered gaze, he laughed wholeheartedly.

“I just changed your outer appearance and scent. Now, you look and smell like someone who served an awfully long detention with me. We worked on nonverbal spells, just in case.”

“I can stay a little longer.”, Harry said but Snape heavily shook his head.

“No. Your friends are waiting for you. Your house might have won the final game. As much as I would like you to stay, you need to be with your friends and spend time with them, too. This is one of the few times you are allowed to enjoy the things your fellow students relish every day. I need you to go, pumpkin. Besides, I might be summoned by either of my bosses.”

Harry smiled at the mention of his pet name and ruffled his hair. Giving Snape a chaste and loving kiss, he turned to leave.

“Take care and see you in class.”, he said and looked over his shoulder one the last time.

++++++++

Gryffindor tower was brimming with energy, wild power and euphoria. When the Fat Lady finally opened the secret passage, the first thing he realized was the red and golden confetti and roaring laughter.

Out of nowhere and within the blink of a second, a red flash headed for his direction. Before he even had the chance to protest or back off, Ginny had flung her arms around and passionately kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for joining Harry and Snape on their special journey so far! It is such a great experience to share this story with you 😊
> 
> I am back at work and won't be able to post daily updates anymore, but I'm trying my best to keep the waiting time as short as possible (at least one chapter per week is planned).
> 
> Title of Chapter 17: The Ferret and the Quidditch Queen


	17. The Ferret and the Quidditch Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rumour has it that Harry is in a relationship with a certain red-headed witch, much to the dismay of a dark-haired man. Before the two unlucky fellows even get a chance to sort out the matter, a blonde ferret decides to go berserk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hagrid has a guest appearace 🧙
> 
> I hope you like this chapter. 😊
> 
> Many thanks for your kind feedback 🙏

The common room went stock-still. It was obvious that no one had expected this situation. Still unable to move or say anything, Harry’s blood ran further cold.

Ginny’s kiss was decent, as far as an unsolicited kiss could be, and she definitely knew how to capture his lips and show her affection, but it couldn’t feel falser to him.

When she finally let go and everybody looked at them in curious expectation, it was neither his still frozen posture from the shock nor the looks of Ron and Dean, but the click of a camera which made his heartbeat stop for a moment.

Then, his world blackened.

++++++++

“He’s wakening… poor Harry…”

“Is he?”

“Of course he is; look at the rise and fall of his chest.”

“Are you sure? He’s been blacked out for hours. I see no difference.”

“Well, next time, give him a fair warning, will you? Snogging him unconscious…”

“Shut up, you prat!”

“Shhhh… his lids flutter…”

Harry groaned. He didn’t even need to open his eyes to know that he was yet again in the hospital wing. The light, the smell of pristine sheets and healing potions, the hardness of the mattress; it all felt too familiar.

Next, a painful and weakening sickness spread from his abdomen through his veins, causing cold sweat and hot flushes to torture him on top. What the hell had happened? Why had he passed out?

Out of nowhere, a warm female hand grabbed his and drew small circles on its back. He wondered. Hermione never behaved like this towards him. Who else could it –

“Ginny!”, he exclaimed and tried to get up when at least two pairs of hands pushed him back down onto the mattress.

The kiss in the common room hadn’t been a nightmare. It was far worse than that.

“See, I told you he was alright!”, the girl in question said with an overconfidence in her voice that made him even sicker. He needed to get up and clear the air before –

“Ahhhh… the Chosen One has finally recovered from the banalities of being sixteen…”, said another voice, richer and darker than those of his friends.

Harry winced in pain and although he felt like he could open his eyes and speak, his whole body had straightaway lost all power at the sound of Snape’s silky and barely audible whisper.

He was there, probably had been there all the time… There was no chance that he didn’t know about the happenings in the common room.

Harry’s heart skipped several beats again and his panic rose to an unbearable level. Another wave of sickness hit him in full force and he started gagging and trashing around in his bed.

“Professor, Sir, I think he is going to be-…“

Hermione didn’t even get to finish her sentence as he had already thrown up all over his bed and likely on Ginny besides him, at least according to her sudden jump and withdrawal.

“Get back there!”, Snape barked and Harry heard faint steps approaching his bed. Black dragonhide leather, perfect to brew and walk almost silently.

Harry needed to talk to him, assumed that he hadn’t drawn his conclusions already.

On the face of it, the situation between Harry and Ginny couldn’t be any clearer.

With a swish of his wand and a muttered “ _Evanesco”_ , Harry’s mess vanished and the bed was as clean as before.

Now, there was no way out. Harry slowly opened his eyes.

Of course, his three friends were waiting right behind Snape’s black appearance who stared down at him in complete blankness.

“’Mione, Ron, Ginny… would you please leave us alone for a minute?”, Harry asked and avoided the piercing gaze and his hardest stone-like face which he had last seen during his occlumency lessons in fifth year.

Before any of them could protest, Snape gestured them to remain quiet and fixed his gaze on Harry again.

“There’s no need for them to leave, Potter. I merely replaced Madame Pomfrey who is unfortunately indisposed at the moment. Or, should I say fortunately? I bet a story like this could put anyone in the limelight. Interesting, Potter… how very much like and unlike your father you are…”

There it was; the devastating proof that Snape knew, or rather assumed what had happened. By the look of his forming sneer, he realized that the man wasn’t nearly done with him and Harry’s eyes widened in shock.

The moment Ginny crossed her arms in outrage and Ron and Hermione shot death glares at Snape’s back; he just slowly searched for something in his black cloak, knowing that his friends couldn’t see what he was doing.

Harry gasped for air. Snape was holding the picture of the kiss attack in his hands. Unfortunately for him, Colin had stood right behind him for that only his back and Ginny’s passion could be seen, not his shocked and frozen expression.

“You see, when Mr Greevey ran into me and lost his freshly developed pictures, I was surprised to see that a whole day of detention with me would leave you with so much energy. Until I was called here. Thought you could bite off more than you can chew, ey?”

He paused for effect.

“As I said, you’re just like and unlike your father, Potter… He must be rolling in his grave, knowing that his son can’t even stand the kiss of his red-haired girlfriend… Look at you, the proud offspring of the Marauders…”

Snape’s appearance indicated no sign of his anger and hurt which he undoubtedly must feel since his discovery. Instead, a vicious glimmer appeared in his eyes. To his friends, the situation wasn’t at all suspicious by the choice of his words and mockery.

To Harry, the dangerously calm Snape was back and he knew that he only had one chance.

“Sir, please… let me explain… it’s not… can’t you three just leave?”, he shouted at his friends in the end, but again, all Snape did was gesturing them to stay.

“I will run a few diagnostic charms on you to ensure that you were only knocked out by your own poaching and reckless behaviour. As usual.”, he drawled and already flicked his wand a couple of times above him.

“You seem fine, although I would not suggest another snogging session with Ms Weasley too soon.”

“Sir, please… just listen…”, Harry begged, but Snape cut him off again.

“Oh, now that you are awake; I will be indisposed next Saturday but Mr Filch is happy to watch over your detention. Good day, Mr Potter. Sidekicks.”

The last thing Harry saw before he passed out again was his black billowing cloak and the heated expression on Ginny’s face.

++++++++

Harry was welcomed by a blinding light and Madame Pomfrey’s sarcastic suggestion to directly move into the hospital wing next year. To his relief, Ron was the only one picking him up.

“You’re alright, mate?”, he asked after a quick and awkward hug. Dark circles were clearly visible under his eyes and his red hair and stubbles looked like he had had a hellish night, just like Harry.

“No, I’m not. Listen, Ron… I don’t know what happened, but I can’t go back to Gryffindor tower right now. I’ve got to take care of things.”, Harry said sharply and sped up.

“Oi! Don’t you think you have to take care of whatever Ginny and you did yesterday? The whole school is talking about you two!”, his best friend yelled back, struggling to keep up with his pace.

“WHAT?!”, Harry yelled. His life had definitely gone downhill, again.

The bright and sunny day outside only made his skin crawl, it was as though even the sun was laughing at his misery. He needed to see Snape and make him listen, no matter how.

“Of course, mate. You’re both freaking popular and everyone knows that your father also had a knack for red-headed witches… I mean it’s pretty strange, but as long as you’re happy and you treat her well…”, Ron shrugged and yelped when Harry forcefully pushed him against the nearest wall, his wand at his best friend’s neck.

“Listen, Ron. I have no idea what possessed Ginny yesterday, but I swear that there is nothing going on between us. Whatever this is, it has to end now.”, he spat and tried to storm off, but Ron, by far larger than he, quickly caught him.

“Are you fucking serious? She’s been by your side for ages, she’s been with us at the Ministry, the two of you get along and share so many things…”

“Are you telling me that I am obliged to be with her because we’re friends and she wants me to?”, Harry shouted in disbelief. He knew that Ron was one of the most loyal people on this planet and that he put his family above anything else, despite his insecurities and inferiority complex. But this was going too far.

“Oi! What the hell is wrong with you? I’m just saying that the two of you could work out together… even if it’s strange…”, Ron shot back and crossed his arms.

Harry stared at the floor before he apologetically lifted his head. “Sorry, Ron. I can’t explain now, but… look, mate… I really need to take care of a few things and promise to join you later in the common room. ‘Kay?”

Ron, who knew Harry for almost six years, sensed that their discussion had reached an impasse. Harry had set his mind on something and nothing would keep him away from doing it. In defeat, he simply nodded and watched Harry sprint in the opposite direction.

“Remember what I told you, mate. Don’t hurt her!”, he called after him once more, but Harry didn’t hear him anymore.

His heart was pounding in his chest and the closer he got to the dungeons, the more he panicked. What if Snape was not in his office or quarters? What if he was at a meeting? What if some Slytherins were roaming the dungeons? Things he never had thought of before crossed his mind.

Worse, what if after all they had shared, after the agreement they had come to, Snape didn’t want to see him anymore?

Harry was sure that if he was to run in a boggart right now, it would take the shape of Snape giving him the cold shoulder.

++++++++

The dungeon’s corridors were dim, damp and cold as though somebody had forgotten to light the torches for a while. Thankfully, Snape’s office and quarters were only near Slytherin common room, but not exactly located next door.

It was awfully quiet. Chances were high that he was the only one in the dungeons at the moment.

When he finally reached the familiar door and stepped forward to enter the office, it remained shut and he painfully hit his head with a loud _thump_ that echoed in the empty hallway.

At least, this could be considered a proper knock, he thought grimly, but no one answered.

Snape had shut him out, both personally and physically. This much was clear and Harry felt his heart break as the last bit of hope vanished into thin air.

His whatever-they-were had definitely come to the wrong conclusions and the rumours must have finally proven him right.

Harry’s fear and terror made so much noise inside his head that they even managed to tune out his surroundings completely; at least until he eventually found the strength to set his occlumency shields in order and control his emotions.

Suddenly, he heard two voices behind the office door and after a few seconds, he could have sworn that Snape and Dumbledore just had another of their arguments.

_“For him?” Snape shouted. “Expecto Patronum!”*_

A silvery light shone through the threshold, illuminating the dungeon corridor with warmth and happiness that both didn’t really match the current situation.

Whatever shape Snape’s patronus took, must have had an impact on Dumbledore as he remained quiet for a longer while.

_“After all this time?”_

_“Always,” said Snape.*_

Harry didn’t dare to breathe. According to the whispered and sorrowful tone in both voices, the patronus could only be something meaningful. Something which definitely didn’t help him at all.

Right before he got lost in his thoughts again, Harry heard footsteps approaching the door. It was simply for his quick reflexes and talent as a sprinter that he wasn’t caught eavesdropping again. Only seconds after Harry had hidden behind the broad statue of a black knight, Dumbledore stepped out of the office, looking around.

“I see you tomorrow, Severus.”, he said and walked away, his pace slower and less graceful than ever. Snape watched him leave and to Harry’s growing terror, his eyes were glistening with tears. Not to mention his skin colour which had turned as white as a sheet compared to when they last had met.

Just when Snape was about to return to his office, the statue of the black night vanished into thin air. Of course, Harry groaned inwardly, the statue had never caught his attention until now because it never had been there. But who –

“That would be fifty points taken from Gryffindor for eavesdropping and sneaking around, Potter.”, Snape said coldly and behind the mist of tears in his eyes, he finally showed the pain that was raging inside him since the encounter with Colin.

“Severus, please listen… it’s not what you-“

“Another ten points for disrespect, Potter. In case you have been too busy to remember; you will address me with either ‘Sir’ or ‘Professor’.”, he cut him off and stepped back.

“Listen to me, please… you have no idea…”, Harry cried and with two lightning steps, Snape had grabbed him by his ear and dragged him into the office.

“You are right, Potter.”, he hissed. “I have no idea because even the scum you call a father didn’t dare to pull such a prank on me. Or on anyone. I’ve got nothing more to say. Get out and don’t come back here ever again.”

“NO!”, Harry screamed in desperation. “You are under the wrong impression! It is NOT what-“

“Shut up, Potter. And even if I were under the wrong impression and you didn't lie to me regarding our... promise... and you weren't in cahoots with your friends, it would make no difference. Not anymore. Noooo… you will get out and leave. Now. We’re done.”

Snape words cut him open and his emerald green eyes filled with tears of grief and heartbreak. Harry wanted to interject one last time when he felt Snape tugging him outside the office again.

“I’m sorry that I found out so early. I hope I was not too much of a spoilsport.” With that, the office door slammed shut.

++++++++

Once more, Harry was engulfed by endless numbness and his world had fallen apart yet again. He left the dungeons at a snail’s pace, unable to find an ounce of strength to even pretend he was alright or at least not more miserable than ever so often.

He had nowhere to go. Gryffindor common room was out of reach because the reason for his misery awaited him there. The Great Hall was no option either and the owlery and Quidditch pitch were frequently visited on Sundays.

Thus, Harry ran outside, not looking where he was going or how far he had come off the common paths of the lands.

++++++++

“Hey, you there! What do you think you’re doing?!”, a voice yelled behind him. Harry halted abruptly and turned to the source of the unwelcomed company.

It was only then he realized that he had been running deep into the forbidden forest. In fact, he was already halfway down the path that directly led to the clearing where Aragog’s family resided.

“Hagrid!”, he cried out in relief.

Of course, he had been stupid again. Hagrid, who had the biggest heart of all, would always be there for him. There was no one like the half-giant and finally, he felt safe enough to let his emotions break free.

Blinded by tears, he ran into the half-giant’s arms and started sobbing and screaming in despair. Hagrid, a little overstressed with the outburst, gently lifted him off the ground and slowly carried him back to the edge of the forest.

“Shhh… Harry, lad… it’s alright… calm down… I’ve got you…”, he mumbled and caressed Harry’s back with an overlarge hand. “What happened, Harry? I thought you were with Ginny now… was so happy to hear the news this morning…“

“Stop it!”, Harry sobbed and hid his face in Hagrid’s bushy crest. “That’s the problem… we are not together and… I don’t want to be with her… and everyone thinks… and…”

“That’s not the worst rumour about you, Harry. Think of your fourth year... of last year… wait – what did you just say?”, Hagrid said, his question drowned in suspicion and concern.

“She kissed me out of the blue… didn’t want to… not her… and Colin’s blasted camera…”

Hagrid sighed loudly and took his time to find an appropriate answer.

“Talk to Ginny, be open and honest with her… she’s your best friend’s sister… maybe she got under some twisted impression… don’t know… girls that age… but that’s the important thing, ey… always be honest and open with people, especially the ones you like…”, he finally said.

His compassionate tone eventually reached Harry’s bleeding heart and he managed to calm down a bit.

“That’s not the worst, Hagrid.”, he quietly admitted.

“You aren’t afraid of Ron, aren’t you, Harry? You already are considered family, always will be…”

Forehead wrinkles appeared on Hagrid’s face as they came closer to another clearing, far smaller and a little mistier than all others he knew. Something seemed amiss, although no creature, animal or human was present, apart from them.

“No… Hagrid, I can’t talk much about it… but everyone knows and so does a person who is… who was… doesn’t speak anymore… all broken…”

Harry’s voice failed him; he was incapable of uttering whole sentences. Hagrid let out another sigh.

“Ahhhhh, shite.”, the half-giant interrupted his new breakdown. “Poor thing, must be crying her eyes out now.”

“His eyes.”, Harry said automatically and flinched at his own outing. He hadn’t actually thought about him being gay or bisexual or whatever. Snape was the only one on his mind and he hadn’t bothered labelling his orientation so far.

He didn’t even know how the wizarding world thought of homosexuality. What if Hagrid would hate him now for being gay or involved with a guy?

“He, she… I don’t care, Harry… and don’t you listen to those who do… people should mind their own businesses… who cares if you’re with a lad or a gal, as long as you’re happy… oh… sorry, shouldn’t have said that… you’re not happy now, are you… well, listen carefully, Harry.”

Hagrid pulled himself together and stopped on the edge of the clearing. He looked down at the slightly less sobbing young man and earnestly placed his hands on his shoulders, not realizing that Harry was pushed a little into the soft and moosy ground by the gesture.

“News came out yesterday and that lad must be just as heartbroken as you… he’ll come around, eventually, and if not… boy, look at what you’ve achieved already… Boy-who-Lived… School Champion… Quidditch Captain… Chosen One… constantly facing You-know-Who… you’ll find a way to make him hear you… if he cares for you, he’ll listen… but give him some time, maybe… that’s the stupid thing, I guess… but; after all, Maxime came around, too, and she’s got that fierce French pride running through her veins…”

A shy smile appeared on Harry’s chapped lips and he wiped his face. Hagrid’s good and loving nature just had become his personal healing potion for emotional injuries, he mused. He couldn’t have found a better companion.

“Thank you, Hagrid. For all what you’ve done for me.”, he said and gave him a tight hug.

Suddenly, footsteps and muffled voices approached the clearing. Quickly, Hagrid gestured him behind some thick black bushes, fortunately big enough to cover them both.

Cowering on the ground, Harry had to bite his tongue to stifle a cry when he recognized the figures of Malfoy and Snape, who were now standing in the centre of the clearing, looking around warily.

“Centaurs, I think.”, Snape said neutrally and turned to Malfoy. “What are you up to, Draco? His patience is wearing thin and neither your mother nor I are able to save you again from his wra-“

“For the last time. Stay.out.of.my.business!”, Malfoy interrupted in a venomous tone that easily surpassed the defiant disrespect from Slughorn’s party.

“I am able to help you, Draco. Haven’t you realized by now that you can trust me?”, Snape asked with growing plea in his voice.

It must be another argument about another stupid task, Harry thought grimly. He felt trapped behind the bushes, forced to involuntarily eavesdrop on him twice in a row.

“Trust you? Trust you?! You, of all people?! You, his favourite pet? And then, what’s next? You’ll hand me over and collect the prize… I don’t think so, Professor…”, Malfoy spat and suddenly cackled in way that rivalled Bellatrix’s.

“Trusting you, you said.”, he continued, seething. “Well, how about you tell me what you are doing with Potter all the time in your office? Why don’t I have free access to your quarters anymore? What is it that the old fool has ordered you to do? I don’t need you to watch over me, I’m a grown man. – ANSWER ME, if you call yourself trustworthy!”

Harry held his breath. Malfoy had gone mad and his hysterical exclamation at the end of his tantrum made even Hagrid’s skin crawl.

Harry wondered how Malfoy knew about their meetings and why he had had access to Snape’s quarters as well. He was getting sick again and couldn’t wait for the answer.

“You speak like a child, again. A jealous one, I might add.”, Snape said arrogantly and slapped away a hand that was trying to hold him tightly.

“If you listened to me last night, you would know that I am acting as though I am preparing Potter while I am truly trying to find out everything about his weaknesses and soft spots. If you listened, you would know that my report was satisfactory and the amount of time I have to waste with him is well invested.”

Snape’s voice had gotten dangerously low and slow again. Even Malfoy in his sorry state of mind was not foolish enough to answer him.

“However, if you are interested in spending time with Potter instead of working on your task, I am more than willing to trade my part of our plan for yours.”, Snape said and Harry could see his faint smirk in front of his inner eye.

“You know damn well that it’s not Potter I am interested in. For future information, you better get to know your real place.”, Malfoy shouted in a high-pitched voice while his whole body was shaking.

Instinctively, Harry pulled out his wand, ready to attack if the ferret should attempt to ultimately go berserk. Snape, on the contrary, remained entirely stoic and distanced.

“This discussion is at an end, Draco. I will escort you back to the castle. Remember, I am here to help you and you are to pull yourself together.”, he simply said after staring at Malfoy for a while, then turned to leave.

All of a sudden, Malfoy jumped at him and, with an inhuman howl, wrestled him on the ground until their faces were mere inches away. Harry was on the verge of throwing up again.

“You’re a coward, Snape. A damned, dirty, half-blooded coward who thinks he can escape his fate. Soon, you’ll be forced to look up at me. Soon, you’ll be no longer his half-blooded pet but at my mercy instead.”, Malfoy hissed before he bent down and kissed him forcefully, pushing Snape further down with his body.

Harry trembled with fury and hatred towards Malfoy. How long had he been after Snape? Or was this just the normal way how purebloods handled homosexuality and if so, had Malfoy implied that… was Malfoy also... ?

Snape was in the worst company ever and currently; Harry had no chance of rescuing him or finding out what their talk was truly about. A raging snort escaped his throat. 

In the meantime, Snape fought physically against Malfoy until a sudden white flash illuminated the clearing and the ferret was thrown back and crashed against a tree with a loud _crack_. Snape got up, straightened his robes, wiped his mouth and brusquely dragged the now whimpering bastard off the ground.

After whispering something in Malfoy’s ear, the unlike Slytherins left, still not noticing the two frozen figures behind the bushes.

“Hagrid… no one can know what we have witnessed – Please, don’t interrupt me. I should not be here and you are simply too good to lie and say that you’ve seen them alone. Besides, I think one would expect you to have helped Snape… Leave Dumbledore to me, Hagrid. Please.”, Harry whispered even though Malfoy and Snape were long out of reach.

“But… Did you hear that… did you see… Merlin’s beard… Gotta tell…”, Hagrid exclaimed and walked him out of the forest, too.

“I know… I have private lessons with Dumbledore… until then, I’ll work something out, I promise… look, Hagrid, this might as well free my mind from my other problem…”, Harry argued and tried his best to hide the shaking of his body.

He had no intentions of telling Dumbledore or distracting himself. Thankfully, Hagrid didn’t seem to notice the bright green eyes covering his lies.

“Sounds fair, Harry. You alright, now?”, he asked instead.

Harry nodded and headed for the castle. He already had a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for joining Harry and Snape, they are overjoyed for having you 🥰
> 
> *Quotes from "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" by J. K. Rowling.


	18. Of cunning Lions and lured Snakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is determined to take matters into his own hands. Luckily, his friends won't leave him alone. Four days of cunning and acting are about to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again 🤗 This chapter, it's a hommage to friendship, loyalty and selflessness. I really adore the bonds between Harry and his friends and I am happy to have found a way to blend them in with the story. Enjoy! 🙃

“Open up!”, Harry screamed at the Fat Lady before the portrait even had the chance to demand the password. Earlier, on his way up to Gryffindor tower, he couldn’t help but think of the clearing and interaction between the two Slytherins and within the blink of a second, his original plan had been replaced by raw anger and a thirst for revenge.

Hot fury consumed him and rubbed salt in the wound of his bleeding heart. Inwardly, Harry was grateful that it only had been the Fat Lady on whom he had taken out his temper.

Frowning, the portrait moved aside and without even shooting a quick glance at his friends and Ginny, who had instantly jumped from her chair, he ran upstairs to their dormitory. 

Discipline your mind, Harry reminded himself, do not let your emotions take over the better of you. Unfortunately, the memory of Malfoy assaulting Snape was abnormally difficult to put in its place, somewhere far behind his mental shields. Never in his life had he felt so much hatred for Malfoy.

He needed to find a way to make Snape listen, as Hagrid had wisely told him. He needed to figure out what Malfoy’s words and actions truly meant and, more importantly at the moment, he would need to explain the situation to Ginny and his friends first if he wanted to avoid further complications.

Curtains drawn, he practised occlumency for an hour at least and finally felt his heat cool down.

If there was a chance left for the both of them, Harry would need to set up a situation or more, throwing little bits of the truth in Snape’s direction until the man couldn’t deny that something was amiss with his conclusion.

++++++++

“Harry James Potter! If you don’t lift that curtain, I’ll do it for you!”, Hermione suddenly yelled next to his bed and Harry heard her wand being pulled out of her sleeve.

Reluctantly, he obeyed her command and was utterly surprised to look at the faces of Ron, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Ginny and Hermione who had cornered him, brows furrowed.

Fighting his instinct to lash out at them, Harry took a moment to collect himself before he faced Hermione with the brightest green eyes he had ever had.

“Would you let me talk to Ginny in private, please?”, he asked and almost didn’t believe that he had managed to sound absolutely calm and honest. Snape had been right; he had become quite a proficient liar.

“Not that you cared about me before, have you?”, Ginny hissed and crossed her arms. Her eyes betrayed infinite anger and frustration while the evening sun transformed her long red hair into a wall of fire. She looked beyond scary.

Only then, Harry realized that Ginny undoubtedly must feel like she had exposed herself to ridicule; kissing him in front of their whole house while he just fainted and avoided her ever since. The fact that the whole school was expecting them to be on cloud nine, only added more fuel to the fire.

However, if Ginny was unwilling to talk to him alone right now, he’d do it in front of her friends just as well.

“Fine.”, he replied casually. “If you feel better talking in front of an audience…”

Hermione audibly gasped and he could see Neville, Dean and Seamus clutch at the nearest curtains and bed posts, whereas Ron simply stared at him in disbelief.

“I know we get along and you know that I adore your fierce nature, self-awareness, cleverness and big heart. But...

 _–_ He shot a warning glance at Hermione who looked like she wanted to interject –

... I am not in love with you. At least not romantically. Ginny, you are like a sister to me, a twin sister even, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. When you attacked me in the common room with that kiss, you basically pushed me into something I never wanted to be part of and I’m not the one to blame that the whole school is freaking out right now.”

“How dare you-“, Hermione spat, but to Harry’s surprise, Ron held up his hand to shut her up.

“We never talked about something like a relationship and to kiss me in front of our friends and whole house is not considered consensual or at eye level in the first place. You could have talked to me in private instead of letting your emotions consume you after a won game, acting like a...”, Harry continued until he realized of what he just had accused his friend.

“A what, Harry? Acting like a Gryffindor?”, Ginny interrupted sharply. “In case you haven’t noticed, we are Gryffindors, we are supposed to-“

“Think before we act! We’re humans, after all!”, Harry shouted, causing Neville to whimper in reponse.

“I know damn well what our house stands for, but I refuse to be limited and told by people what to do, to feel or how to react. I have to fulfil a prophecy, because a madman believes in it and won’t rest until I’m done. Don’t you think that’s enough? Do you really want me at all costs?”

He jumped from his bed and stood face to face with her. Ginny's eyes glistened with tears and her cheeks had turned deeply scarlet.

For the first time in his life, he acutally realized why Snape always lost his patience with the daring Gryffindor house and its need to act upon raw emotions.

Harry panted heavily until he hugged Ginny in a very Gryffindorish way which he found strangely adequate, because maybe, Gryffindor language would be working best for her.

He felt like she needed to understand that he was not angry with her for loving him, rather for the way she had taken care of the matter. 

Ginny didn’t protest but didn’t return the hug either. She simply stood there, her tears now falling on Harry’s shoulder. After a long while, the both of them eventually calmed down enough to resume their talk.

“Look, Ginny. I can’t force myself to love you and neither can you make me. You-know-who’s mother did that and it didn’t end well as we all know. You are not that kind of person anyway... Honestly, I don’t want to lose you as my friend and I promise that I’ll always be there for you... I swear... just not as a boyfriend or husband, in case you have hoped for this.”, he whispered in her ear while her head still rested on his shoulder.

Harry cleared his throat and decided to speak up a little in order to ensure that the others also heard what else he had to say.

“I wanted to tell you immediately, but the revelation to the whole school forced me to take care of other things first. I am really sorry for this, believe me. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to disappoint any of you.”

Slightly nodding, Ginny wiped her eyes and stepped back. She eyed Harry up and down for a moment, whereas neither of their friends dared as much as to breathe.

“Who is it?”, she finally asked and looked straight into Harry’s bright eyes, which didn’t betray the slightest emotional reaction at all.

Harry stared back at her, feeling more grateful than ever to have finally mastered occlumency. On the other side, she deserved as much honesty as possible. 

“I can’t tell you... Dumbledore forbade me to tell anyone.”, he partly lied and forced himself to think of Snape and how he always managed to make everybody assume and feel exactly what he wanted them to. 

“All of you are already in great danger because of being friends with me, but the knowledge of who I am in love with would send you straight into mortal peril. Forgive me, Ginny, but I can’t tell any of you. Besides, now that the whole school knows of our… misunderstanding, I lost that person anyway, I'm afraid.”, he concluded with a sad undertone in his voice.

“That’s what you tried to fix right after I picked you up?”, Ron said with a shaky voice, as though he was unsure whether to state a fact or ask a question. Harry slowly nodded and shot him another apologetic look.

“But you’ve been unsuccessful, right?”, Hermione stated next, making Dean, Seamus and Neville roll their eyes.

“Obviously.”, all boys replied with a groan, but to Harry’s relief, Ginny snorted a little. Cautiously, she grabbed Harry’s hand and looked at him again.

“I’m hurt, Harry. I thought… well… after I tried to loosen up a little, to get to know you better, to become more feminine... to not stop and stare whenever you would cross my way… but I just came to like you even more and… I am sorry…”

“Don’t you ever be sorry for caring or loving someone.”, Harry said softly and the painful memories of Voldemort’s loveless family and childhood came to his mind.

“Anyway…”, Ginny continued as though he hadn’t interrupted her. “I’m gonna need some time to stomach this, but I want you to be happy, Harry. I really do... So, what do we do next?”

The dormitory went stock-still for a moment. Neither Harry nor the others had expected Ginny to react like this. Harry would have taken any bat bogey hex from her, even a punch in his face or guts. Seeing her now, offering help and support was definitely more than he could have ever dreamt of.

“You are the bravest and most chivalrous woman I’ve ever met, Ginny.”, Neville said reverently and his eyes were almost as big as Trevor’s.

“She’s got bigger balls than all of us together.”, Seamus agreed and even Dean, whom Ginny had dated earlier this year, nodded in appreciation.

“I want to know who that person is, Harry. Is she trustworthy? Is she worth the effort? You know what’s going on this year and you have caused enough mayhem for a lifetime. Why even help you when no one can know of your relationship and you'd only place her in danger? Isn’t it better that she’s left with a broken heart, for the sake of her own safety?”, Hermine said sternly and brought them back to reality within a second.

“We’ll have to trust Harry, ‘Mione.”, Ron argued for Harry who decided to remain quiet about him being in love with a man.

“He’s got a point, you know. We can't know, but we trust him, alright?... Yes, despite him cutting Malfoy open... Hermione, he’s our friend and he needs us now… Oh, come on… don’t you mention the Department of Mysteries now! He’s already learnt that lesson the hard way... think about it for a moment, Hermione... please..."

Ron turned next to Harry with a severe expressionon on his face.

"I'll be by your side, mate, although you could have spoken up a little earlier instead of fainting and running away.”, he said calmly. 

Harry was under the impression that Ron was secretely relieved that Ginny and him were not together, while Hermione opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before she crossed her arms and shot death glares at Ron.

“Besides.”, Ron continued, entirely unimpressed with her behaviour. “Harry’s got the world’s weight on his shoulders and he deserves to be happy for a while or at least have a happy prospect for the post-war era.”

“Fine.”, Hermione eventually said sharply, using the tone she always used when she wanted to intimidate others with her intelligence.

“Harry, I love you like a brother and I would never abandon you... Don't be cross with me for being cautious... I'll help you, of course, but honestly, boys, I'd really like to see how you lot want to convince a complete stranger that Harry is not in relationship with Ginny.”

Harry just smirked and winked at his friends. He was positive that they would find at least one way.

++++++++

Four days later, Harry found himself pushing food around his plate during dinner in the Great Hall.

He had tried his best to appear as miserable as possible, which hadn’t been too hard as Snape treated him worse than ever in class and avoided any possibility to be left alone with him.

The stoic man didn’t even show up for meals anymore and according to the Marauder’s map, a bunch of ghosts associated with the Bloody Baron patrolled the corridors which led to his office all around the clock.

Harry felt empty without Snape being around, without knowing how he was and what he felt. He missed Snape’s insecure longing for physical and mental closeness, their common longing for someone to trust, their sweet but growing affections towards each other.

His body ached for Snape’s and Harry would have given his remainders of Felix Felicis just to inhale his scent and lay on his bed one more time.

Deep inside him, Harry preferred an open talk over any idea he had discussed with his friends, but Snape seemed too determined to believe exactly what he had seen.

After all Harry knew about him, he suspected Snape to have withdrawn completely, not letting anyone come close.

Therefore, they were practically left with no chance but feeding bits of information to their potions master in more or less subtle ways.

Slughorn, who originally had been convinced that Harry’s downgrading results in potions was traced back to his relationship with Ginny, nearly had lost his consciousness when Dean and Seamus wryly commented another of his excessive compassionate statements with something that sounded suspiciously like “wannabe boyfriend” and “cowardly imposter”.

Hermione had started a fight with Harry in the midst of the library, causing Madame Pince to scream herself hoarse, but afterwards, nearly twenty students from all houses knew that Hermione took Harry for a coward for not telling Ginny that he felt pressured into a relationship which he didn’t even want to have.

Meanwhile, Ginny refused to be seen with Harry in the castle, telling her friends during classes that she hadn’t expected him to be this clueless when it came to relationships and that he was behaving like a little boy rather than an almost grown man. She even said that she suspected him not being entirely commited. 

Ron, in his own brusque way, had given Harry a proper dressing-down in the Entrance Hall, stating that he would never have expected his best friend to be a coward and further threatened Harry into talking to his sister.

The both of them had even started to enjoy their fake quarrel, at least until some younger students had called McGonagall.

Those were the first ten points taken from Gryffindor for Harry's personal sake only.

Absently, Harry played with a new coin Hermione had charmed for their operation and checked the glances of his fellow students in the Great Hall.

It looked like every house knew that something wasn’t right with the relationship between Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley. Even the teachers eyed him with great suspicion.

It was a pity that Snape was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, the winged doors flew open and Ron entered the Great Hall with a scowl that made some first years jump.

“You alright, mate?”, Harry asked once his best friend had taken the place next to him.

“Guess who just had to snog Blaise Zabini in a broom closet in the dungeons?”, he fumed, barely hiding the wink in Harry’s direction.

“Urgh… don’t know… I’m not that much into the love life of the snakes.”, Harry said and wholeheartedly enjoyed playing dumb.

Sneaking into the Slytherin compartment on the Hogwarts express just had paid off again.

Right then, Harry’s coin heated up and he saw a message from Ginny, repeating itself like an infinite loop: _Zab's a slimy git, Snape's about to blood-shame him in Slytherin. The Ferret will freak out. Nice side-effect, ey?_

His gut feeling was already cheering. Whatever Ginny had exactly done, he felt that it would force Snape into contacting Harry, now that his own house was involved.

“My sister! Can you believe this! My sister snogged Blaise fucking Zabini in a broom closet and got caught by none other than Snape!”, Ron exclaimed and tossed his sandwich down on his plate.

“What?!”, Harry squealed and almost choked on his pumpkin juice. “I mean… that’s disgusting… why would she snog a Slytherin?”

“Dunno, mate.”, Ron shrugged. “Maybe assuming that you were in love with her but weren’t, has blown her mind a little much… according to Hufflepuff fifth year, she screamed bloody murder at Snape for his interference with her private life and mocking her for infidelity. She told him to literally sod off and leave her and her never-existent boyfriend, namely you, alone. She used, and I quote, the term ‘for fuck’s sake’.”

“It was scary.”, Neville said and joined their conversation out of nowhere. He was panting and looked like he had run all the way to meet them.

“I was lurking in the corridors to distract Snape in case he should attempt to murder Ginny on the spot. Definitely looked like he considered the option. I rushed into them and asked Snape for remedial lessons... Got me a week’s detention instead, but it was worth it... He looked even more riled up than after the boggart incident in third year, you remember?”

Tears streamed down Harry’s face and for the first time, he struggled to keep up his pretence of being heartbroken because of an unknown witch. He definitely owed Ginny and his friends until the rest of his life.

“You are the best, guys. Honestly, what would I do without you?”, he whispered and wiped his face while the others were grinning like the cat that had got the cream.

“The game isn’t won yet, mate. Let’s just hope that your unknown lover is not as thick as a brick and knows how to put two and two together. Otherwise, the only option would be a public declaration by yourself, I am afraid.”, Ron said casually before Neville and he erupted in laughter again.

++++++++

Spirits were high in Gryffindor tower that evening, despite Ginny’s freshly assigned detention with Filch and a loss of a hundred points in total.

Neither Harry, who grinned like a Cheshire cat, nor his friends couldn’t care less. Instead, they had more than one butterbeer and devoured the remainders of their stock from the Honeydukes. Something positive was in the air; everybody could sense it.

Suddenly, an owl pecked one of the ornated windows of Gryffindor tower. Hermione, as usual the most suspicious of all, let it in and caused Harry to shriek in surprise.

It was the same black and grumpy owl that had delivered the note regarding his first special detention with Snape.

Without shooting a glance at any of his friends, it landed straight upon Harry’s forearm and dropped a small piece of parchment.

Before either of them had the chance to examine it for leads to detect its owner, it bit Harry’s finger twice and flew away.

“You have to open it now!”, Hermione demanded and pushed Harry back into his chair, who already had gotten up.

“It’s private, Hermione. Give him a minute.”, said Seamus with a grin.

“He could at least tell us what the note says.”, Dean suggested.

Without taking notice of their bickering, Harry made sure that none of them was able to read the note before he impatiently ripped it open with shaking hands.

_Tomorrow evening; eight sharp. Do not be late._  
_Same place as usual. You’ll be granted ten minutes._

Although the handwriting was disguised, Harry immediately recognized Snape's dominant and impatient tone. Curiosity was both their boon and bane and currently, he couldn’t be happier about it.

“Harry! What does the note say?!”, Neville shouted and brought him back to reality.

“I get a chance to explain myself!”, he stammered and checked the note again to make sure that his subconsciousness was not fooling him.

Later, when he felt his mattress beneath him, he couldn’t help but to please himself in the sweetest anticipation. Snape had finally given in.

After four days of cunning and playing, they had finally made him willing to listen. He couldn’t wait for Friday evening to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> Next: Harry is back in the dungeons.  
> Title of chapter 19: A Taste of Paradise ♥️


	19. A Taste of Paradise - Part I: The long Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten minutes. Two broken men. One chance to set things straight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy part I of "A Taste of Paradise".
> 
> Parts II and III will be uploaded very soon. Don’t be mad at me for dividing the evening up into three parts. It's worth it, I promise. 😊

Silence. The whole dungeons welcomed him with vibrating silence. Harry’s heart pounded against his chest and cold sweat made his palms damp and slippery.

Ten minutes. One chance.

The math was simple. There was no time for long justifications. Harry had precisely one go and thankfully, the past year had taught him to be well prepared.

Not only for Snape’s sake, but for his friends' as well. He owed them, especially Ginny, who had even promised to let constantly slip that she had been mistaken their friendship for romantic interest. Ginevra Weasley truly had the backbone and the courage of a true Gryffindor.

By the time Harry stood in front of the wooden door to Snape’s classroom, legs visibly shaking, he deliberately decided to drop all of his mental shields. If Voldemort should decide to go for another invasion of his mind this evening, then so be it.

According to Dumbledore, chances were unlikely enough. Besides, Voldemort had more often than not sent him visions instead of manipulating Harry’s mind or searching it.

If it hadn’t been for Kreacher, he probably wouldn’t even have known of his strong bond with Sirius.

Yes, Snape deserved to see his heart and soul unguarded, even if he would scold him afterwards.

It was worth it, Harry reassured himself, his fist already raised to knock. It was worth it, he repeated, and in case his initial plan would go wrong, he could switch to real talk in a split second.

Time stood still when his knuckles met the old wood.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

“Come in.”, he heard Snape commanding from the other side, his voice sounding more distant than ever.

Harry turned the doorknob and the first thing he saw was a giant timer casted into the room, hovering over Snape’s desk.

_9:45 min_

Snape was not sitting on his chair, but Harry knew that he had no time to look for him in the dim room.

Eventually, he would show himself if he wanted to. Now it was time to focus, he scolded himself.

_9:35 min_

“Accio Veritaserum!”, Harry shouted and heard something clatter and clang in Snape’s private storage cupboard. It only took a few moments until he held a small vial of the infamous colourless potion in his hand.

Even after being the DADA professor for months, Snape kept his potions in stock. Maybe he just had to.

_9:00 min_

“Three drops suffice to have You-Know-Who spill his deepest secrets, you said in my fourth year when you threatened me with this ingenious serum.”, Harry went on, again disappointed with himself for loosing track.

“I guess you brewed this batch and its accuracy would leave me up to six hours telling nothing but the truth. We can’t risk that, can we?... For this reason, I suggest one drop only. In conjunction with my dropped shields, you can rest assured that I will be more than just truthful with you.”

Without making the faintest noise, Snape approached him from behind and took the vial out of his hand.

The moment his long fingers brushed against Harry’s sweaty palm, neither of them could restrain themselves and let out a pained gasp. This was agony.

_8:05 min_

“You’re running out of time, Potter, and you are being an idiot. I suggest you say what you have to say without making a spectacle of yourself. Merlin knows we’ve had enough of this.”, Snape breathed in his neck and Harry felt every single hair stand up.

“I was and still am serious, but if you insist...”, he impatiently replied and turned around.

If Snape didn’t want him to use the truth serum, he should at least look in the dark green eyes brimming with passion and determination.

Snape’s pair, occluded as ever, widened all of a sudden and for the first time, Harry could literally see a mental shield crumble bit by bit.

_7:40 min_

“I hate betrayal, false expectations and assumptions… I hate being seen as a reincarnation of my father instead of what I am; _their_ son… I hate endangering and losing the ones I love… This whole situation… starting with that blasted moment in our common room… consists of everything I dread and reject and I did nothing to provoke it…”, he explained, remembering his list by heart.

Snape shrugged, but his eyes didn’t withdraw from Harry’s piercing stare. In any other situation, Harry would have backed off, but now, he couldn’t be given a better motivation to go on. Snape had bitten into.

_6:30 min_

“When we first kissed, I felt a sun rise inside me which hasn’t set ever since. When I came back later that night and we talked about relationships and commitment, I felt like I had found a piece of heaven on earth. Whenever I am around you, I feel understood and safe and protected and challenged and cared for and somehow complete…”, Harry explained, letting his heart bleed out.

_6:00 min_

“I didn’t faint because I am unable to handle a kiss from Ginny or anyone, but because it felt so wrong... it suffocated me the moment her lips crushed on mine… I was shock-frozen, I couldn’t even breathe… I wanted to scream but I was too numb to react and when I heard the click of Colin’s camera, my mind and body collapsed.”

_5:30 min_

“When I woke up in the hospital wing, I sensed that something terrible had happened, that something was wrong and that I needed to fix it before you were to find out..."

Harry was covered in sweat and needed to clutch on the back of the chair behind him to control his tremors. 

"...Why do you think I vomited the moment I realized Ginny was sitting next to me and you had already come to a conclusion already? My heart broke when you left. It broke to a point where my body collapsed again in order to protect itself.”

_5:00 min_

“Next day, right after my release, I ditched Ron by telling him that I needed to fix something important... That something important was you or us, of course. I don’t know who casted that bloody statue, but you’ve seen me in the end... You’ve heard me begging you to listen… When you refused, I was close to collapsing again while the numbness across my body rivalled the pain level of a Cruciatus – Yes, I know what the curse feels like; go and ask snake-face!”

If possible, Snape’s eyes darkened further and his mask-like face hardened even more. 

_4:15 min_

“Hagrid fixed me, after all… I just spoke about a guy who refused to talk to me ever since the school knows about my alleged relationship with her... He told me to find a way to make that person listen again… He also told me that that person likely needed some time, but I was too afraid that we were running out of it. So, I planned."

_3:40 min_

“Luckily, in Gryffindor tower, my friends cornered me until I exploded and had a clarifying discussion with Ginny and the lot of them… They know that I have fallen for someone, but they don’t know who it is... However, it was Ginny offering her help first. Together, well… you know that we fed the truth piece by piece to the whole school in rather untypical ways and thereby to you, of course.”

_2:50 min_

“The way I have gotten to know you, I knew immediately that you would likely feel betrayed and ridiculed and exposed and mocked… even worse than back then…. I feared that you wouldn’t listen to me and after I tried nevertheless, you’ve made it pretty clear… I guess you were too hurt and went into self-protection mode and honestly, I can’t blame you for that… I am sorry that everything wrong happened at the wrong place at the wrong time and, speaking of the photograph, from the wrong angle…”

_2:00 min_

“I would never do something like this to you. I would never betray you, Severus... You have no idea how much you mean to me… You have no idea what a wonderful and devoted man you can be… Severus, please…”

Harry didn’t hold back his desperation any longer, even if it meant for his voice to sound a little high-pitched. 

“Do you have a pensieve here? I’ll show you the memories… I don’t know how to sabotage them for they will be truthful, just like my words… but a little easier to believe, I guess… look at me, Severus… really look at me… feel me… feel my memories… I didn’t betray you; I swear to it…”

_1:00 min_

“There’s a reason my shields are down, Severus… I want you to see the truth… please, enter my mind… Severus… I never meant for this to happen… I didn’t even know what was about to happen… if I had, I would have never left the dungeons… you have to believe me, please… I am telling the truth… Severus, please… Severus… I’ve fallen… I am… my heart belongs to… Severus… I… I love-”

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

“Your time is up.”, Snape said firmly and with the finally broken eye contact, Harry's heart shattered as well into thousand pieces.

During his desperate explanation, Snape hadn’t done as much as blink once or twice. His face was unreadable; blank, cold, white and lifeless.

He looked like someone had drained the living off his body until nothing but its shell was left.

Needless to point out that that someone was him, Harry. He had killed his fragile heart and soul.

Tears dropped from Harry’s chin, but he couldn’t care less, given the roaring pain inside his chest and the feeling of failure draining him.

Why had he wasted so much time on stating the obvious rather than finally admitting what he felt for the man for quite some time now; what had been slowly building inside him?

He, Harry James Potter, was in love with Severus Snape.

_I love you._

Three words, easy to say in two seconds’ time. Rather on the contrary, he had failed to say those three words in ten minutes and now, it was time to reap what he had sowed.

Sobs and cried pleas escaped his throat and Harry felt his knees give in until Merlin finally took mercy on him and his world blackened again.


	20. A Taste of Paradise - Part II: Salvation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry has a dream about a paradise while Snape decides to create his own taste of it. In the end, the two of them meet again in reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet confessions and loss of virginity, among other things. You have been warned. <3

_Love was in the air, somewhere in Southern England on a warm summer evening, when two men rested on a wild meadow while a cloudless sunset covered their surroundings in the warmest glowing shades of red that mankind had ever seen._

_Much more, the air seemed heavily pregnant with the scent of wild herbs dried by the sun or those growing lush in the shadowed areas of the near forest. On the picnic blanket, a freshly cut bouquet of peonies added to the bewitching fragrance of the evening._

_Birds were singing and bees were buzzing; the world was finally at peace. While the younger man lazily played with a tiny golden ball that hovered in the air, the elder didn’t seem to mind any of the sudden hand movements; he was busy scribbling something onto a spare bit of parchment with an ivory quill, kissing the top of the younger’s black mop of hair from time to time._

_When the sun finally disappeared from the horizon and left the world in glooming colours, both men got up and inhaled the no less familiar scent of cooling earth one last time before vanishing into thin air with a loud crack._

Still half-unconscious and oblivious to his current surroundings, Harry smiled and snuggled into the soft duvets of a bed that was far broader and tenderer than his own at Hogwarts. After all horrifying moments of the past days, his dream had a least given his mind and soul a moment of comfort.

Stretching and rolling all over the mattress, Harry’s memories returned slowly but surely, and when he re-lived his chance to set things straight with Snape, he bolted upright with a stifled scream, frantically searching for his glasses.

Blinking once, blinking twice, Harry was sure that he had died and was now trapped in a twisted posterity that exactly looked like Snape’s bedroom. A constant reminder of his failure, a perverse interpretation of hell.

It had to be like that, because under no circumstance in the world, Snape could have carried him into his own bedroom and tucked him under. With a racing heart and agonal rasps, he started to clean his glasses over and over again, just to be sure that he wasn’t fooled by his eyes more than ever.

Next, his teeth, small but strong, were forcefully buried in his left forearm to wake him from that nightmare or hallucination. Nothing happened. He felt the sharp pain, he hadn’t died.

He was still there, seated on Snape’s bed with a racing heart while said man was nowhere around and no noises came from either the living or bath room.

Forcing himself to calm down and set his emotions straight, Harry finally noticed a small piece of parchment on the nightstand.

_I was summoned and I don’t know when I’ll be back. There’s tea and sandwiches on the coffee table._

Harry’s hands clutched to the tiny note as though his life depended on it. With a maniac cry of relief, a murderous weight on his back transformed into the smoothest wings imaginable.

Although shaking in delight, he knew that he was most definitely not off the hook, but at least Snape hadn’t anonymously dropped him outside the hospital wing or forced an awakening charm or potion on him.

There could be either heaven or hell coming for him along with the return of his whatever-they-had-become-now, but his gut feeling didn’t pay attention to what the very near future would bring. He was still in the dungeons. 

A quick _tempus charm_ was casted and to his surprise, Harry realized that it was almost two in the morning – meaning he had had been unconscious for nearly six hours.

In the meantime a little confused by Snape’s contradicting reactions, he got up and sat on his spot on the couch, hungrily devouring the sandwiches and drinking another of Snape’s home-made tea blends. A full stomach would certainly ease his tension and it promptly did.

Eyes closed; delicious flavours of orange zest, cinnamon sticks, nutmeg and peonies ensnared his senses, all blended in perfect balance with each other.

Entirely indulged in another of Snape’s liquid temptations, he held the cup close to his face until its fumes steamed up his glasses.

“It’s called ‘A Taste of Paradise’”, a silky voice said at one point. Startled and frightened to death, Harry’s shrieked and tossed the cup on the coffee table where it drenched the dark wood and some potions journals atop.

Snape had returned and he didn’t even bother to pull a face at the mess Harry had made.

Hastily cleaning his glasses, Harry was too afraid to say anything. Besides, according to the both tired and pained look on Snape’s face, it was probably for his own good.

With an audible sigh, the man plumped down on his armchair, one leg across the other.

“You are awake.”, he stated absently and his gaze flew from the bookshelves to the enchanted windows to his tea-soaked coffee table and finally back to Harry who just nodded, still incapable to make a move.

“I expected you to speak for ten minutes straight. Though, in my musings, you never offered the use of Veritaserum or a pensieve. Quite impressive, quite impressive… and so strongly connected to our history…”, he went on.

His voice lacked of force or venom or any emotion at all; Snape could as well have been talking about the weather.

His ducked posture was so much unlike him, Harry found and feared for a moment that something very bad was just about to happen.

On this account, it was all the more astonishing that Snape began to smile into nowhere. If Harry didn’t sense better, he’d say that he was dazed beyond good and bad.

“I returned three hours ago, but at the sight of you sleeping peacefully in my bed, I… well, I decided not to wake you up. Even better, I finished a rather dangerous potion you have gotten to know at least on two occasions this year… No idea?... I’m talking about Amortentia.”

Harry flushed while he struggled to find out what Snape actually wanted to tell him.

He felt no difference after having had his tea which meant drugging him was certainly off the table. 

“I didn't brew it to use it on anybody, least on you... Orange zest, cinnamon sticks, nutmeg and peonies… like the infusion you have been clearly enjoying… like the scent of my bed sheets last Saturday… like you…”, Snape whispered and his fingers combed the long black curtains which were indeed slightly greasy from hanging over a cauldron for hours.

“My Amortentia smells like you, Harry James Potter and despite everything that happened, I can’t help myself feeling relieved about it. My sorry existence wants to be with you. I already believed you when I saw you this evening, when I realized what risks you had taken to convince me of the truth, when I heard your side of the story. The power of your determination almost broke me.”

Harry’s world came to a halt. Snape’s confession was abrupt, unforeseeable and almost too good to be true.

He replayed the situation over and over in his head, but nothing changed; the miracle he had hoped for had actually happened.

Deeply touched by the true meaning of those words, he ruffled his hair, ignoring Snape’s blissfully inflating nostrils at the gesture, and waited for the black eyes meeting his green until he cleared his throat.

“Your cloak in the graveyard… my dream earlier on… your bed… I can tell you what my Amortentia smells like without bending over a cauldron… If you don’t believe me, we can-”, he simply said while making sure his shields remained dropped.

“I believe you, Harry.”, Snape interrupted him in a remorseful and submissive way. “The question is; do you still want me, after all I’ve done?”

By the end of his sentence, tears had welled up in his eyes and he needed to pull out a pristine white handkerchief to wipe his own face this time.

“Pardon me?”, Harry blurted in disbelief. “Why shouldn’t I…”

“Let’s see…”, Snape said and fumbled with his heavy looking cloak that did not belong to his standard teacher’s dressing gown.

It had to be his Death Eater cloak; Harry realized only then. The man hadn’t even bothered to change after he had come back. Harry gasped.

Without further explanation, Snape jumped from his armchair and tossed the robe on the ground, as far away as possible, where it landed with a metallic clang; most likely coming from his hidden mask inside.

“That’s better.”, he said as though an invisible weight had been lifted off him.

“Now… where were we?... Ah, yes… I refused to listen to you as every normal person would have done in a relationship, at least when you tried again a day later… emotions… false assumptions… instead of talking to you, my partner, I believed in gossip and pictures without looking twice… my temper snapped and clouded my judgement of your behaviour until the cunning little scenes you and your friends made finally rose a suspicion in me.”

“To be fair, the situation was easy to interpretate like what you thought. I mean, my whole house saw my true reaction and still believed that there was something going on between her and me.”, Harry argued on his behalf and offered him a genuine smile.

“Yes, but your house and I are quite different, don’t you think?”, Snape said and new tears made their way down his hallow cheeks.

“You really want to blame yourself, regardless of what I say, right? … My intention was not to talk you into a bad conscience, you know… I wanted to save our relationship… correct the mistakes of others… earlier in your office, I blamed myself for not having told you that I love you before my time was up… I do, Severus. I love you.”

There it was, the sentence probably said a million times a day. It had slipped so naturally. To Harry, those words meant the world.

He got up and sat down on Snape’s lap, burying his face in the lank black hair.

Snape held onto him tightly while he shivered and seemed at loss for words.

“I’m sorry for being pathetic…”, he finally grumbled, sounding ashamed.

“You’re not.”, Harry softly contradicted.

“I am… it took thirty-seven years to hear someone saying those three words to me... To think that I was ready to shut you out for life, because my fears and insecurities had gotten hold of me again… Harry, I know what you felt like during the whole past week. I’ve been there as well. I should have known better.”

Harry remained silent while he was slowly rocking Snape’s upper body back and forth.

Of course, he could see the faint parallel to a certain memory of 1976. Things had happened back then, too, and by quoting them out of context, everything had gone downhill.

“We managed to come around, Severus. That’s important. We decided to act differently.”, he said and kissed the crown of his head.

“I know this is one of the most unconventional ways to confess love, but-“

“-we are not conventional. I… Harry… Merlin, I’m crap at this… Harry, I… I’m in love with you, too…”, Snape completed his sentence, surprised by his own confession. 

“Tell me, what do I smell like to you?”, he quickly went on and for the first time during the course of the evening, his eyes slightly lit up.

“Hmmm…”, Harry whispered in his ear and relished that he literally could see goose bumps spreading over the soft marble-like skin.

“Herbs… dried and lush… parchment…. and cold earth… you’re intoxicating, Severus.”

Finally, Snape lifted his head and the sight of love, hope and passion coming back to his eyes couldn’t have been more heavenly.

Long black lashes and dark eye lids fluttered as he began to crane his neck, aiming to bring his lips to Harry’s mouth.

The moment the thin pair brushed against the full, all hurt and anger of the past days faded and an everlasting warmth filled their hearts with the desire to become one again.

++++++++

Neither of them knew how they made it to the bedroom exactly; the only important thing was that Snape somehow managed to vanish their clothes halfway through.

“You’re getting more beautiful by the day, pumpkin.”, he purred.

Overcome with love and relief that they had managed to sort things out, his hands also couldn’t decide whether to caress Harry’s Quidditch-trained chest or further down the tight butt cheeks that were already impatiently wiggling.

Stumbling across the floor, they halted right in front of the heavenly bed that waited for them to be turned upside down.

With a sharp hiss in Parseltongue, Harry instructed the little snakes to bugger off and, naturally, completely forgot about the impact his hisses had on Snape.

His partner immediately sat down and pulled him so close onto his lap that their groins touched and two rock-hard pricks rubbed against each other.

Shutting his mind out, Harry’s body instinctively rode on the pale and incredibly wiry lap, his face buried in the black curtain of hair.

In between hugs, caresses and feverish searches for the other’s lips and tongue, Snape suddenly cupped Harry’s face with both hands and pierced him with the most pleading eyes.

“Claim me, Harry, please.”, he panted. “I want you to make me yours… Be my one and only... Please.”

The last word was spoken with the strongest longing imaginable and made Harry’s heart swell with want and pride, even though those six letters almost had gotten lost in their simultaneous sensual moan.

Passionately, Harry pushed Snape down onto the mattress, planting loving kisses on his neck and cheeks evenly. The mere plea had made his self-control crumble.

The plea was replayed in his head, but again, Harry couldn’t detect something amiss.

Snape, his partner, who knew all too well how to hide his insecurities and fears behind the infamous mask of intimidation and dominance, trusted him enough to ask for his virginity to be taken first.

Breathless and shaken to the core with happiness, Harry kneeled above him and gave him the tenderest kisses of all.

“I couldn’t be more honoured, Severus… Promise to tell me if something doesn’t feel right... I’ll promise to worship you, my wonderful man.”, he breathed and needed to restrain himself from coming at the thought of entering him soon.

“I know, Harry…”, Snape whimpered, no less touched by what had happened again so naturally.

He caressed Harry’s face with the brimming eyes and reddened cheeks before the Boy-who-Lived made a quick move and snatched his thumb with an unexpected frivolity just to innocently suck on it.

“Feel safer… you take… main lead… our relationship… oh god, do that again, Merlin yes… your instincts… so… perfect!”

Snape’s cock throbbed parallelly with every lick and suck. He struggled for words for Harry’s tongue was just as wicked as his fingers.

Right in time, as though said sharp-tongued wonder of a seeker had mastered legilimency, a well-trained hand trailed down Snape’s body.

When Harry finally reached the round balls and gently squeezed them, he could tell blindly by Snape’s relieved cry that something inside the man had forever changed for the better.

Instinctively, Harry’s hand closed around the velvety shaft and started moving up and down, whereas his thumb more or less accidently slid over the pink tip, smearing a little pre-cum all over it.

He relished the feeling of his partner finally enjoying true closeness, love and intimacy and when their lips met again, he made sure to lay all his love and passion in it.

With sparkling and awestruck eyes; Snape bucked his hips and arched his back ever so slightly.

His rhythm was no less seductive and elegant, making Harry shiver in delight at the mere sight of the marbled body.

The way Snape’s mouth formed the sweetest “o” with each moan, the way he parted his lips so innocently and lusciously altogether, the way his hands found Harry’s firm backside and stroked his lean waist; Harry swore that he would never get enough of this man.

For a brief moment, he nuzzled against the hard and bony shoulder before he decided to move on, or, in their case, down.

His eyes caught the sight of the two small and pale nipples he had ignored last time. By the look of the tiny buds, Snape’s arousal was just as intense as their tightness.

This time, Harry’s mouth savoured them extensively until Snape naturally spread his legs and pushed his pelvis forward. His groin was perked up, passionately nudging against Harry’s in desperate want.

There was no chance for Harry to have foreseen the animalistic cry that escaped him out of nowhere.

“You’re… so.so.so.so… perfect, Severus.”, he grunted and had to summon his self-control yet again.

Licking some of the scars on his further way down, he felt a hand grab his hair in order to make him speed up. Snape just seemed as overwhelmed as he.

“Impatient minx.”, he scolded the writhing man beneath him with an innocent wink, but the wry grin on his lips had already betrayed his intentions to the double agent whose eyes widened in boundless pleasure.

Chuckling, Harry placed his lips straight onto fully erect and throbbing prick.

With the power of a supernova, jolts of desire and lust shook their bodies and neither held back a blissful hiss that echoed for a long time in the dungeon bedroom.

When Harry’s tongue licked his way up from base to tip and aimed to the tiny slit on it, abnormally large fingers gently tugged his hair to make him slow down.

“Don’t… don’t want to cum… already… pumpkin, no…”, Snape stammered before Harry even had the chance to frown.

“Then.don’t.be.so.fucking.delicious… my favourite sugar quill.”, he retorted with a playful smirk instead, whereas his eyes visibly darkened due to prolongation of their growing arousal.

Cheeky as ever, he granted himself a few more breath-taking moments of bobbing and sucking nevertheless. To him, it was almost impossible to restrain from the unique musky and herbal taste of Snape’s pre-cum and he needed savour it adequately.

It was only when Snape’s body suddenly tensed that he felt ready to obey his partner’s plea.

Smirking, he let his nose nudge rhythmically against the sensitive perineum for the shortest slowdown in history, because seconds later, his tongue already aimed for the tight ring of muscles which was already twitching in anticipation.

Snape jolted again and cried out in pleasure. Trembling with arousal, he muttered a spell under his breath that Harry didn’t register anymore.

“Lube!”, he commanded instead with an outstretched hand and squealed in surprise when he could grab the jar a mere second later. Snape just laughed huskily at him and stuck his tongue out.

“You’ll regret this, cheeky man.”, Harry growled and another second later, a slick finger was already caressing the tight crack between those maddeningly perfect buttocks.

With gentle pressures, he circled around the entrance, teasing it mercilessly until his own impatience crushed his original plan and he gently pushed a finger inside.

Heat and tightness engulfed him and he couldn’t believe how flexible and rhythmic Snape’s muscles danced around him.

He was already milking Harry, whose other hand had gone back to the neglected shaft and took extra care of it now.

Secretly, Harry wondered that he hadn’t cum already.

“Claim me… Harry… need… you… inside… now…”, Snape grunted in between curt breaths and animalistic groans.

He never had suspected Snape to let himself go this much and couldn’t complain at all.

“Like this?”, Harry whispered in the sweetest tone while another finger entered his personal gateway to heaven. The cry he heard and bucking hips he felt was all he needed.

A moment later, a third finger was stretching and playing with the muscles, whereas his own prick swelled even more.

With a final brush against the infamous knot that he would soon be penetrating thoroughly, Harry pulled back and stroked himself a couple of times.

He wouldn’t last long, but he felt like with Snape, he didn’t need to worry about it.

“Ready, Severus?”, he panted and watched his partner with big green eyes groaning through gritted teeth and impatiently propping himself up with a pillow.

“I need your legs over my shoulders, darling.”, Harry went on and leaned slightly forward, adjusting Snape’s pelvis before holding his slender waist.

Still, it all happened so naturally and smooth that both of them secretly wondered if they had done this ever before and simply forgotten about it.

“I love you.”, they said at the same time and the timbre of the matching tenor and baritone was just not of this world.

Lined up at his entrance; Harry leaned further forward and gently felt his tip slip into the most mesmerizing channel in the world.

Hotter than hell, the feeling of it made his memory from a few moments ago look like a mere open fire.

Snape tensed barely noticeably, but after a few little adjustments, he soon found the strength to pull Harry down into a feverish kiss.

Rocking together in steady and devoted beats, the filling pressure inside Snape sent waves of pure delight through his body, while Harry got willingly lost in the feeling of being milked and devoured by dancing muscles.

Awestruck, tears of happiness left Snape’s black eyes and for the first time in his life, he spoke aloud that he wished for the march of time to stop instead of wanting to be done with it.

“So big... so hard and smooth… Harry… love… how you feel…”, he further exclaimed and didn’t dare to close his eyes.

Harry, who had indeed closed his eyes to rely on the feeling of all those passionate sensations only, could not see the way Snape’s gaze was mapping his body and each of his movements as though he needed assure himself that this was truly happening.

“I’m all in, Severus… buried inside you… never leave…”, Harry whimpered therefore only, increasing the pace of his hard but loving thrusts until his balls hammered against Snape’s buttocks.

The sound itself brought them closer to their release than expected and Snape answered by pulling him closer until Harry’s devilishly cock hit the spot inside him in full force.

Harry was completely overcome by the sensation of Snape’s arching back and when he heard his name cried out in pure lust, he started pounding even harder against the spot while the tight walls of muscles milked his shaft and tip frenetically.

“Harry… oh my… I think… I…”

“Cum for me, Severus…”, Harry shouted while the two of them continued rocking in sweltering heat. “Can’t hold back either… Cum with me, Severus. Now.”

Three deep and fervent thrusts later and Harry watched Snape sprinkle his chest with his own semen, whereas his own spurts vanished in the depths of his body.

Closely intertwined, they rode their orgasms out until Harry finally collapsed onto the decorated chest, instantly searching for Snape’s mouth to shower it with chaste kisses.

Their eyes met and alongside their awestruck speechlessness, they both enjoyed the comfortable silence that they had found so early in their rebuilt relationship.


	21. A Castle of Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All is (explicitly) well at Hogwarts, but before Harry gets a chance to get really used to his kind of a new life, events naturally have to occur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of (explicit) calm before the storm. Enjoy! 🤗😍💑
> 
> I could only re-read the chapter on my smartphone, so if there are still too many typos and mistakes, please let me know and I'll work on it. Thank you 🙏

Harry didn’t know how long they had rested side by side, but as the blissful exhaustion slowly faded and their intertwined hands started to slightly prickle from not being moved for far too long, Snape was the first to speak.

“Forgive me for relapsing… again… I know you think that I shouldn’t be saying this, but given the current circumstances, I daresay we don’t have the luxury of having such misunderstandings. I am insecure and inexperienced at best and…”

“Yet you have learned to express those feelings to me, Severus. In the end, at least.”, Harry cut him off.

“You should be proud of yourself. Nevertheless, for your personal record: I’d rather die than betraying you, physically and in any possible way. I love you, Severus Snape and I can’t wait for the war to be over, because I intend to stay. You might as well get used to it.”

Suddenly, Snape did something very strange after he opened his mouth to say something. His body cramped and his hand clutched to his throat with a loud smack. For a brief moment, it suspiciously looked like he was trying to suffocate himself, although there was no sense in that.

Worried that he had pushed him too far, Harry bent over, his green eyes big and anxious behind the blurred glasses.

“I’m alright, sorry. Just a little overwhelmed… don’t forget that I had a meeting in hell before I could enter paradise with you…”, Snape quickly explained and although Harry sensed that he was starting a hare with another truth, he trusted his judgement to do so and nodded gravely.

“The Dark Lord runs out of patience with Draco. He’s been given a deadline, regardless of my attempt to convince him that things at Hogwarts have their own unpredictable schedule.”, Snape said quietly, sounding defeated.

“Oh…”, Harry said and scolded himself for feeling worried about Malfoy. “Is he…”

“He’s injured, but he’ll be recovered by noon.”, Snape shrugged before his face flushed and his fingers started to fumble with the duvet. Still bent over him, Harry could literally feel the accelerated rises and falls of his chest.

“Speaking of time… and loving each other… and Draco… Harry… there’s something else I need to tell you…”, Snape admitted with the most anxious look on his face.

Without fully understanding why he felt relieved about the change of topic, Harry forced his furrowed eyebrows and clenched jaw to relax. He knew what Snape was hinting at anyways.

“Malfoy kissed you in the forbidden forest.”, he therefore said and gently smiled at the baffled expression of his partner.

“I’ve seen you. When you rejected me, I ran into the forest until Hagrid stopped me from blindly walking into the acromantulas’ section – Yes, I know I was stupid– On our way back, we hid behind those bushes when we saw you approach the clearing. Don’t worry, I know that you didn’t ask for the assault. I was never so furious with Malfoy before, not even a week ago.”

Snape held his breath. His eyes were wide with terror and his body started to shake in fear and horror. “You should never have seen this.”, he said flatly and struggled pulling himself together.

“There are many things I should never have seen, but I did. Are you able to explain me what is wrong with Malfoy in this matter or are you bound to remain silent?”, Harry asked after realizing that some spell or jinx had stopped Snape from speaking openly minutes ago.

Gently, Harry snuggled closer against Snape’s thin frame, kissing every spot of his body he could reach and to his relief, his partner finally relaxed a little.

“Homosexuality is generally not considered abnormal, strange or anything bad in the wizarding world. However, as it happens, many pure-blood families aim to produce one heir only – a male heir, preferably. Their fertility decreases because of the growing incest, while the risk of having more or less retarded children increases. It’s like they’re slowly wiping out their own existence.”, Snape replied matter-of-factly and Harry automatically thought of Crabbe and Goyle.

“You mean that families like the Malfoys, who believe in blood supremacy, depend on their children being heterosexual for they don’t exterminate? Do they really prefer extinction over ‘mixed blood’, spoken in their language?”, Harry concluded and once more cursed the pointlessness of supremacies.

“Yes, they do indeed. The original Black family diverges a little, for individual reasons, as do the Greengrass’ and Zabini’s… Draco is, unfortunately in my case, gay and he’s been developing a crush on me since his third year. Call it an obsession by now. You know what he thinks of me since his father got himself arrested…”

“So, he’s twice troubled because he hates you and wants you at all costs?”, Harry squealed and felt the urge to protect him from the Ferret rose again.

“Yes, he’s twice troubled and it doesn’t matter that I’ve been rejecting him constantly… it only adds to his desperation. Thankfully, there’s no way for him to get what he wants and if he uses only half of his brains, he won’t approach me again.”

Sick with worry, Harry started absently gnawing on his lower lip until he felt Snape shifting besides and rolling over onto him. Despite the long strands of hair tickling his face and neck, Harry instinctively liked the feeling of it and the way the midnight sky-like eyes pierced him affectionately.

“Hush, pumpkin. No one knows about my homosexuality but you and as long as the war is going on, I intend to keep it that way. I love you and the only person I see myself involved with is the beautiful young man beneath me. Don’t worry.”, he whispered and kissed Harry’s forehead with utmost care. It didn’t help.

“What if Malfoy gets permission to claim you? What if he succeeds… is it true that his rank will surpass yours and you’ll be at his mercy?”, Harry went on and desperately fought the urge to panic at the mere idea of it.

“There is no way for your fear to come true. We’ve made sure of that. Besides, do you think the Dark Lord would allow any of us such power?”, Snape stated firmly and kissed his forehead again, close to the suspiciously numb scar. 

We. Dumbledore and Snape. Maybe Lupin had been right after all and the two masterminds were indeed plotting a sabotage of Malfoy’s actions while making sure the sixteen years old boy would stay alive.

“Okay… I didn’t mean to-”, Harry began but was shushed with such a passionate and loving kiss on his lush lips that made his blood rush from his mind to lower regions, erasing whatever he had wanted to say. 

Within the blink of an eye, he felt his prick twisting in joyful anticipation.

“Yeeesss… that’s right… stop thinking of them for now…”, Snape panted in between kisses and nibbling while his lower body’s reaction perfectly mirrored Harry’s.

“I belong to you, Harry, as you belong to me.”

Harry was overpowered by the love and devotion in the silky voice and a single look into his partner’s eyes sufficed to willingly get lost in the depths and virility that he was greeted with. 

Tears streamed down his face and an invisible power made him subdue to the pressure upon his body. He felt right where he belonged to be.

“Take me, Severus.”, he said, his voice thick with conviction. “I want you to claim me as I have claimed you.”

Snape leaned down and kissed the still swollen lips with untameable commitment. When the connection broke, he solemnly smiled at Harry’s baffled expression.

“I will, Harry. But I need us to switch sides. Regardless of our mutual feelings, I rather be beneath you. Heaven knows we need your capability to lead and your gut feeling.”

“With your skill, brain and devotion as our tailwind, I see no reason to disagree.”, Harry whispered in response and rolled them over until he was atop.

Both their hips and pelvises had naturally started to move in passionate and loving rhythms again and he could feel Snape’s cock sliding up and down the crack between his buttocks. Neither did he mind the chills the sensation sent over his body nor the groan that slipped his lips at high volume.

“You look divine.”, Snape panted as he, too, struggled with his self-control. His gaze had reached a new level of awe and lust. 

“Do you mind me using a spell or two? I don’t want you to slide off me for that I can prepare you. I don’t want to lose your closeness right now.”, he went on. 

Harry smiled as he relished the way two long hands were mapping his back and holding onto him with the perfect mixture or guidance and discovery too much to switch positions.

No matter how perfect their foreplays and preparation had turned out by now, his love for him went far beyond physical needs.

“Hold me close and remember to teach me those spells later.”, he said and, deeply moved, watched Snape’s scarred and marked chest, in which a very strong heart was leaping as though it wanted him to show how much it had healed and how very much it had restarted to beat for a life instead of an existence.

“I am deeply honoured, Harry.”, said Snape who must have gotten his musings as Harry had yet to set up his shields and become occluded again.

Gently, Snape pushed his lower abdomen further down and bent his knees to make Harry shift in a better position to ride him. 

“Kiss me.”

Harry paid no second thought on the plea and was therefore caught by surprise when a lukewarm slickness engulfed his backside, whereas an invisible hand kneaded his walls and entrance seductively. He literally felt himself relax and widen.

“Didn’t bother telling me how much of a tease that spell is, right?”, he panted through gritted teeth and grinded his hips up and down. “Is that some sort of a magical dildo?”

Snape snorted in amusement and simply winked at him. “Did a little bit of light but pleasant reading, nothing more.”, he added sheepishly. “How’re you feeling?”

“Spectacular… think I’m ready.”, Harry moaned when the velvety and damp tip of Snape’s prick pushed against his entrance.

He felt much bigger than he already looked like and Harry couldn’t help but groan at the sensual mixture of pressure and pleasure.

“Sit up and slide down, then.”, commanded Snape huskily and stilled the frantic movements of his own hips.

Harry did as he was told and when he felt Snape’s prick entering him little by little, he automatically closed his eyes again and laid his head back, revealing his bobbing Adam’s apple.

His hands blindly found Snape’s thighs and by steadying himself, he also found the right angle to let himself completely sink into the overwhelming sensation. It was breath-taking how easy and naturally their bodies moved and matched together.

Snape’s velvety shaft and broad tip stretched and massaged his muscles with an unknown intensity and with every inch Harry welcomed him, he felt the primal stinging pain vanish and being overtaken by blinding desire.

“So.tight… so.amazing… yes, Harry… love your pace…”, Snape roared in excitement and, as before, studied the sensual movements of Harry’s body and face with open eyes.

“You’re all in… so hot…”, Harry cheered, still overwhelmed by the feeling and slowly bent forward. His walls and muscles were already milking Snape, as he somehow registered, but even if it was too early or quick for that kind of unleashed passion, there was nothing he could change about it now. 

Snape filled him and with each thrust from below, he felt him getting closer to his knot. Neither of them was in a state to utter full sentences or communicate in plain words anymore 

Not that they needed to; Snape’s hands at Harry’s back, waist and neck only increased their blind faith and emotional lust for each other, while Harry’s agile pelvis kept the lower movements stable and pointed. Riding a racing broom definitely paid off.

When Snape trusted and pressed himself further inside him and finally reached the sweetest spots of all, Harry started grinding his hips and riding his partner like it was his last action on earth. 

He felt Snape pushing his head down until their lips met for a mind-bending kiss that barely stifled half of the screams and cries of delight.

“Close.”, they both croaked huskily, which only increased their pace. 

“Relax.”, Snape said and withdrew a hand from Harry’s back, only to sneak in the heated area between their abdomens, hungrily reaching for Harry’s throbbing and, to this moment, untouched prick.

“Stroke me and I cum.”, Harry cried when he felt a thumb lusciously smearing his pre-cum all over his tip. Of course, he didn’t see the devilish grin on Snape’s face because of his closed eyes.

A quick other hand was placed on Harry’s hips and Snape pressed himself inside him with the most powerful thrust.

“I want you to cum, Harry!”, he groaned and Harry found his hand move from his prick’s tip to its base. Snape was stroking him hard while his cock hit his knot once more in full force.

A mere second later, Harry was blinded by a new gleaming light and felt his semen leave his body in heavy spurts.

“GOD, YES… MY… FUCK…”, he screamed and at the same, Snape joined his stammering while something hot and silky leaked inside him.

Slowly, their breathings got even and when Harry slumped onto the mattress right next to Snape, he swore to never forget how wonderful his partner’s semen felt.

Gently, Snape covered their bodies with the white and soft duvet before he snuggled closely against Harry’s sweaty body.

“You are magnificent, Harry. I’ll always worship our moments, I promise.”, he slurred in exhaustion. Instantly, Harry felt his body stiffen at the wistful undertone in the otherwise beautiful baritone voice. A year ago, he wouldn’t have noticed it, but now, his ears and mind were sharp as a knife.

“What detail am I not getting here, Severus?”, he asked warily, but Snape just pulled him closer, showering his face in kisses.

“The end of the year is near, Harry. Nothing more. Don’t worry about it. We don’t have the power to change whatever will come for me. I still am the Defence teacher, but I am not as daft, foolish or incompetent as your former professors – stay calm, I was not referring to Lupin.”

“I thought you’d always wanted to be the DADA teacher?”, Harry said, completely shutting out the thought of the curse on the position. Their night should not be stained with something as dark, inevitable and unforeseeable as this.

“That’s another story, but I am sure that you might also get the answer during the course of our special detentions. Speaking of… I’m going to tell Filch that his service is no longer needed. We’ll continue our work tomorrow, pumpkin. You’ve been doing well and to be honest, I am looking forward spending the bigger part of my Saturdays with you.”, Snape smiled fondly at him.

Harry’s heart swelled with love. Eagerly, he reached for his lips and cherished them until he had to stifle a yawn.

“It’s almost morning, Harry. Stay for the remainder of the night and get some sleep. I’ll wake you at six. A mere hour, but still better than nothing.”, Snape said with an absolutely love-struck glow all over him.

Harry was sure that he never had seen him this happy before.

++++++++

The following weeks and detentions passed in a blur. In between exam preparation, spending the sunny days with his friends by the Black Lake or at Hagrid’s, enjoying both the extensive knowledge of Hermione and the calming nature of Ron, Harry felt like he was living another’s man life.

Apart from that sleepless night, the feeling had started with his closest friends, Ginny and the three other boys of his dorm included, who had had camped in the common room to welcome him back after the return from the alleged girlfriend.

Naturally, Harry had sneaked past them, and in the morning, when they had gone for breakfast together, everybody had had a satisfied look on their faces due to Harry’s most brilliant green eyes, his lighter walk and almost constantly cheerful mood.

Nobody, not even Hermione, had tried to pry on the mysterious person Harry had deeply fallen for.

In addition to that, classes had become somewhat enjoyable and he had started to excel in every subject like a sprinter on a home stretch. 

Even Slughorn, who had always bet on a lover’s quarrel as the reason for Harry’s intermediate performance drop in potions, couldn’t help but acknowledge the fact the he was more than ever back on track.

Little did he or Harry’s fellow students know that the mysterious old potions book had just been replaced by its very lively and sharp-minded author, who had taken quite some pride in helping Harry during their weekly brewing sessions.

++++++++

Harry couldn’t remember if he had ever worked so hard and slept so little at Hogwarts, but in comparison to his past years, he didn’t feel half as exhausted.

Life couldn’t be better at the moment, despite all happenings prior to this time of the school year.

No wonder, he thought grimly, since there was neither Voldemort living off a teacher, a giant snake haunting the castle, a traitor being hunted down by an alleged felon, an imposter preparing Voldemort’s return nor a pink sadist from the Ministry plaguing the student and staff body.

Above all, it was for the detentions with Snape that Harry felt like brimming with power and happiness.

On the technical part, his duelling techniques and spell versatility had greatly improved, as had his knowledge in potions, especially regarding healing and nurturing draughts and anti-dotes. 

He had also gotten to learn some nasty warding and repelling spells and had honed his wand work and daily transfiguration skills, while his morning runs – which his friends couldn’t understand at all – led to a constant strengthening of both his magical and physical condition.

Snape never elaborated why he chose any of the rather specific subjects and topics exactly. On the contrary, their mutual trust had extended to a point where Harry didn’t even think of asking for reasons any longer and Snape didn’t test him if he actually practiced and occluded his mind.

More often than not, they found themselves increasingly optimistic after each of their extensive sessions, despite the fact that time was working against them, as Snape usually put it.

On the emotional part, they couldn’t wait for Saturdays to come and during their practices, the rising arousal and longing for each other soon became a rather unbearable but useful feeling, as Harry needed to work much harder than without.

In the end, Snape and he enjoyed countless moments of togetherness in his quarters where they would simply talk, have cups of teas and share the most sensual showers and pillow talks the castle likely had ever witnessed. 

Whenever they laid sprawled out on the heavenly mattress, reeking of sinful pleasure, it didn’t take long for neither of them to rise again and love the significant other with utmost care, passion and affection. 

In between switching positions and experimenting with luscious spells, the only thing that remained constant was the fact that both Snape and Harry couldn’t simply have a quick shag or just fuck.

Moreover, they needed to holistically make love to each other, become one, lose themselves in the wonders of their partner. 

Both Snape and Harry, who had grown up in homes that had provided zero love for them, were determined beyond boundaries to ensure that they wouldn’t find themselves in a similar surrounding ever again. 

++++++++

On the last Saturday in June, Harry rested beneath a tree near the Black Lake and absentmindedly sucked on one of his beloved sugar quills, when he recognised the figures of Snape and Dumbledore strolling along the borders of the Forbidden Forest.

Trying his best to stay hidden, as he didn’t want to provoke a potentially delicate situation, he peeked several times a minute to guess by their body language what they might talk about.

Snape’s posture was clearly tense and he pulled his hair once or twice, to Harry’s eyes at least, while Dumbledore seemed entirely laid-back and at peace. Several times, the old wizard even craned his neck towards the sinking sun.

As though it wouldn’t rise and sink ever again, Harry thought and snorted at Dumbledore’s little oddities.

He waited for them to return to the castle before he, too, got up and went back to Gryffindor tower.

The common room was almost empty, because most seventh and fifth years, including Ginny, were feverishly learning for their exams in the library. As it was already late, the younger students had either gone to bed or were still with Madame Pince, too.

His eyes caught the sight of Hermione and Ron and according to the looks on their faces, they had been waiting for him. Inwardly, he dearly hoped that they were not about to start another quarrel about the Half-Blood Prince. 

Unfortunately, with a particularly strong rattle of a gust against the large windows, the atmosphere made a rapid turnaround and Harry realized with a slightly panicking gut feeling, that his careless days had come to an end.

The second indication for his unfounded assumption was a picture of none other than Snape’s mother, Eileen Prince, that Hermione had found. 

His partner had definitely inherited his mother’s thick eyebrows, narrow face and common grumpy aura, but Hermione couldn’t know about their relation.

Therefore, they argued about whether the Half-Blood Prince was a random boy or the Prince girl until Hermione’s patience came to an offended end and she stormed off.

The third indication was much more pleasant, but Harry couldn’t stop the guilty feeling that it had been ages when Ron and he had last spent a normal Saturday together. 

The fact that his detentions lasted longer and longer didn’t help much, but he couldn’t tell the truth. Ergo, Harry made up some stories about Snape holding him back out of sheer spite and thereby feeding to the common despise for the man he loved.

He ignored his grumbling gut feeling and swore that he would end the secrecy of their relationship as soon as possible. He would only need to work on a plan to make Ron and Hermione see the real Snape.

It wouldn’t be an easy job, but compared to hunting down and killing cursed parts of Voldemort’s soul, it would certainly be doable.

The fourth and last indication came with Jimmy Peakes, who was shaking with reverence, because apparently, Dumbledore himself had tasked him to deliver a roll of parchment to Harry.

His blood froze before he had even read the message. Ron, who patted his shoulders in his usual reassuring and loyal way, also shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“What’s the matter, Harry?”, he finally asked and his words gave Harry the strength to open the letter, which he dropped seconds later in utter shock. 

His heart pounded fiercely in his chest and his ears started to ring in alarm. White as a sheet, he turned to Ron and looked at him with a blank expression. 

“Dumbledore is expecting me to join him in his office immediately.”


	22. For the Greater Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry disobeys Dumbledore's instructions and visits the dungeons where a disastrous surprise is waiting for him, forcing him to make a decision that will affect his future forever.

“OPEN UP!”, shouted Harry at the top of his lungs as he banged against the wooden office door, ignoring the ear-splitting echo in the dungeon corridors. He dreaded to admit that there was most likely a correlation between Snape’s and Dumbledore’s stroll, the message for him and the closed office door.

Fear tried to cloud both his mind and heart and it took him a great deal of power to remain in control of his emotions. Harry was convinced that his eyes had never been brighter than at this very moment.

Just when he was about to break Snape’s self-invented wards that he had become accustomed to during the past weeks, the door forcefully flew open and he was greeted by a very pale and irritated looking Snape.

“Potter!”, he barked out of habit and act before dragging Harry inside and thoroughly checking the corridor for unwelcome witnesses.

Inside their sanctuary which the office and private quarters had equally become, Harry looked around the office and let out a shocked gasp.

The shelves were emptied and cleaned, as was his desk. No stacks of papers to grade, none of his books or slimy potions ingredients could be spotted anywhere. Even the cupboard doors to his partner’s private potions stores revealed nothing but yawning emptiness.

Snape was packing. He was leaving Hogwarts. He was leaving him.

The realization of this rather obvious fact hit him harder than McLaggen’s bludger. Panicking, Harry ran through the room, double-checked on the sideboards, looked around in terror. He even bit himself again to make sure that he was not trapped in a twisted dream this time.

When Snape moved forward to stop him, his resilience against the undeniable truth broke.

“NO!”, he shouted and slapped away a hand which was gently placed on his shoulder a mere second ago. “You’re not… this can’t be… What is going on here?”

Snape remained quiet and by the bending of his head and the tensed muscles all over his face, one didn’t need to master legilimency to know that the man was fighting one of his hardest inner battles of all time.

It was painfully traumatising to see him break silently under an invisible threat or even Voldemort’s curse on the Defence post. And if not for the curse, there was still the… Harry’s eyes widened.

Whatever house of cards the bigger picture of this war had consisted of before, fate had obviously decided to let it all crumble tonight.

Incapable of expressing the agonizing chaos in his mind, heart and stomach through words or gestures, Harry stared at his partner and fought the urge to break down as well.

With shaky breaths, Snape finally opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, pinched the bridge of his nose and ruffled his hair like it would lead to an insightful explanation. When their eyes finally met, he grabbed Harry by his arms, pulled him close and kissed him fiercely.

Harry, who hadn’t seen this coming, was more than a little overcome with its intensity and desperate undertone. In fact, the kiss felt like Snape was clutching onto him for life. Instead of calming him, it only increased the unbearable tension.

Snape suddenly let go of him and found his voice again.

“Harry.”, he panted weakly. “I’m so sorry. I was looking for you this afternoon, because…”

Harry immediately held up his hand. The penny had dropped.

“Your task will be accomplished tonight, right? I saw you with Dumbledore today… Malfoy’s and your times are up. Your masters have called.”, he finished matter-of-factly what Snape had wanted to say, although his heart was hammering against his chest. Every nerve of Harry’s was on the brink of collapse.

In defeat, Snape’s body went limb and the long, greasy strands of hair fell back around his face as though they were back in potions class, save for his composure which had lost all of its former intimidation and danger.

“Dumbledore wants to see me in his office immediately, but I needed to see you first... I don’t know, I just felt like it…”, Harry panted and fought against the tears that were insisting on breaking free. The seconds of silence following his babbling were deafening. Snape looked at him like he never had before.

“Don’t fight it, pumpkin.”, he said, compassionately cupping his cheek. “I’ve got you, no matter what I’m doing or where I’ll be…by the way, I was hoping on your instincts… brilliant as ever.”

Contrary to his words, he himself seemed close to bursting into tears as well, at least according to the sound of his voice. The echo in the empty dungeons office only added to the feeling. Harry felt his instincts entirely taking over.

“I’m scared.”

“Me, too.”

Baffled by the blunt revelation, Harry found the strength to truly look in Snape’s eyes and detected indeed flickers of fear and uncertainty. It only broke him harder.

“What happens next, Severus?”, he asked and would have given anything to turn back time. Snape was leaving Hogwarts while Dumbledore had asked for him. A secret inevitable tragedy was about to be unleashed and waiting for it felt even worse than it. At least he tried to convince himself.

“Albus called you?”

Snape’s dark voice brought him back to the presence, but all he could do was giving a stiff nod. He was still too shocked by what was happening.

“Good. I show you a shortcut to seventh floor where you’ll walk past the Room of Requirement. If I am not mistaken, you’ll bump into someone… Once you’re with Albus, keep your shields up and… better forgive him for any strange thing he might say... better forgive him in general.”

Harry’s brows furrowed. Never before had he received such divination-like instructions from Snape; not even when he had been freely experimenting with wards and duelling techniques.

“Remember the most important rule: No one can know what we really are or how we truly feel for each other... Not now, not later, never… You must never talk about us, you hear me, never… I hope you can forgive me one day.”, Snape went on before kissing the crown of his head and pathetically hiding his own wet eyes in the untameable crest.

“Severus, will you stop talking like Trelawny, please? That’s not helping!”, Harry exclaimed and indeed, every little hair stood up from his body. He had even started to sway on the spot without realizing.

Out of the blue, he was gently rocked back and forth while a hand drew soothing circles on his back. Finally, the loving touches gave him new strength to look up at his newly struggling partner.

Just like the other day, Snape opened his mouth, apparently willing to talk, but the invisible hand re-appeared and instantly choked him. Eyes wide with shock, Harry now pulled him close and murmured sweet nothings against his chest until the unknown curse disappeared.

“Thank you… I think I’ve found a way to bypass this… minor inconvenience.”, Snape whispered and rubbed his throat before he locked with Harry’s green eyes again.

“Forgive me, Harry, for this abrupt change in events. Forgive me for being unable to tell you everything I know. Forgive me for loving you and now preparing myself for the worst… Believe me, I would give everything to change events, but unfortunately, everything is never enough for the greater good.”

He fumbled in his cloak until he held a small vial with a bilious green fluid in his hand.

“Take this. Should the time come, you will know what to do… Harry, have faith in yourself as I have in you. You are better prepared than you were ever expected to be. You are strong, you are brave. You have nothing to fear… You are surrounded by people who love you… I love you. Always… Now, leave… You’re already far too late.”

“Will I see you again?”, Harry croaked and hated to admit that Snape was right about his timing.

Countless thoughts and things he would have liked to say to him were running through his mind, so many moments and experiences and preparations he would have liked to share and make with his partner.

Above all, the agony of not even being granted a proper good-bye was stabbing him with the sharpest knife.

“At least twice, Harry… Go, love… I’ll be in your heart as long as you want me to.”, Snape said and brought his lips to Harry’s mouth with the entire world’s love and admiration.

To Harry, the kiss drowned him in bittersweetness. It brought back memories flashes of their granted time together and thereby, forced his withheld tears to finally break free. When their lips parted, he realized that he had not been the only one.

“Prepare for eternity, then.”, Harry said finally and turned to leave without daring to look back.

By the time the office door clicked shut again, he already had wiped his tears and his eyes shone in the darkness of the dungeons like green lanterns.

++++++++

The atmosphere in Dumbledore’s office was ready to be cut in pieces. Nothing, not even Fawkes’ soothing melodies, was able to diffuse the tension.

“Harry, you have never been a good occlumens. Tell me, my boy, what happened?”, Dumbledore asked him in a mixture of impatience, arrogance and gentleness which didn’t fit together at all. On the contrary, the old man looked like he accused him of wasting precious time for nothing.

Harry, who didn’t know if Snape had referred to Trelawny or Malfoy earlier, held his breathe to control his mind while he kept glaring at his official mentor with the same bright green eyes from the dungeons.

Once he had counted to ten in his head, he let his temper deliberately snap. It was time to act.

“SNAPE EAVESDROPPED ON YOU WHEN THE PROPHECY WAS MADE! HOW COULD YOU LET HIM WALK FREE AFTER WHAT HE HAD DONE? MY PARENTS DIED BECAUSE OF HIM, BECAUSE OF THEIR SLIMY OLD FELLOW STUDENT WHO LOATHED MY FATHER AND CALLED MY MOTHER A MUDBLOOD! HOW CAN YOU STILL TRUST HIM?”

It felt easier than expected to behave like he still hated Snape, be it due to five years of continuous training or his actual existing occlumency skills.

“How and when did you find out?”, Dumbledore finally asked sorrowfully after another glaring battle between them. Harry, who still stood upright with clenched fists and an unhealthy shade of red on his cheeks, seethed further on.

“Trelawny.”, he growled and ignored the chiding sounds of the former headmasters. They should definitely be used to his temper by now, especially after his return from the Ministry a mere year ago.

“I met her in front of the Room of Requirement. Want to guess who had kicked her out a moment before?... Yes, you’re right… it was Malfoy… a cheering Malfoy, I might add… and while you and I are leaving for a discovery tour tonight, Snape and Malfoy can roam the castle to do whatever they have been planning all year.”

Within the blink of a moment, Dumbledore twinkling eyes turned ice-cold and dead serious. Harry knew that his words had hurt him, but he didn’t care.

He understood with overwhelming clarity that Dumbledore was also a puppet master in this war or had to be, at least. He only had been too blinded to see through it.

Snape had been right again. In order to protect their relationship and what he had learned right under Dumbledore’s no less hooked nose, he needed to fully become a true actor, too.

Like his partner, only that he had to play his own and the light side while fighting the dark.

Therefore, he willingly took the reprimand for accusing Dumbledore of neglecting Hogwarts and his students.

He also listened reluctantly to Dumbledore's reason for Snape's turning away from Voldemort, carefully hiding the fact that he already knew the truth.

Naturally, the old wizard accepted his regret after a moment and in return, Harry accepted the rules Dumbledore set up for their trip to track down a potential horcrux, even though they stood against everything that he would instinctively do.

++++++++

To his surprise, Dumbledore sent Harry back to Gryffindor tower to collect his invisibility cloak. While he roamed his trunk, grateful for not always having the precious artefact with him like his official mentor had originally instructed him to, he stumbled upon the little vial with the remaining Felix Felicis.

Another penny dropped. A wave of hope and strength washed over him and for the first time since the sinister message, he felt indeed strong enough to go on.

Breathlessly, he instructed Ron and Hermione to use the luck potion and give it to his other friends as well. He also left them with the Marauder’s map and the urgent appeal to check on Malfoy and Snape.

It was the only way to ensure that the blonde lunatic could be stopped and that someone would know if his partner was in danger and need of help. Snape was a member of the Order, after all.

Entering the Great Hall, a far more friendly Dumbledore greeted him and by the sight of the twinkling eyes and soft smile on his lips, another of Snape’s instructions called in his head.

His heart leaped in guilt and admission, but he knew by now that the words of his partner and man could be trusted. 

“I’m sorry for forgetting myself, Professor. Earlier and ever before.”, he therefore admitted quietly and took Dumbledore’s gentle squeeze of his hand as a sign of acceptance before he was jerkily side-apparated away.


	23. The Night of Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During their horcrux hunt, Harry realizes that he had totally forgotten about the third occlumens on their side. When they return to Hogwarts and find the Dark Mark hovering above the castle, more truths are about to be revealed. A long night has only just begun.

Coldness and invisible terror surrounded them. Already in the memory of Tom Riddle’s warden, Harry had hated the cliff and stormy sea, but being there, in the same old cave where young Voldemort had frightened other orphans, caused a new kind of sickness in his stomach. Even without the knowledge Snape had passed onto him, he would have known that the cave was brimming with the darkest kind of magic.

Dumbledore, on the contrary, did not seem affected by the threatening situation at all. As if he was working on a research project, he commented on the different protection measures like the blood toll in an almost childish fascination.

Right now, standing on the shore of the underground lake and carefully avoiding the water and creatures that called the glooming water their home, Harry felt useless and petty compared to a mumbling and investigative Dumbledore, whose ‘Ohs’ and ‘Ahs’ offered zero reassurance.

Even if he knew how to proceed further, he could not tell because his lessons with Snape were about occlumency training only.

When Dumbledore finally pulled out a boat from the lake and spoke lightly about the way he expected Voldemort to have orchestrated even more perfidious barricades around the horcrux that likely matched with his psychopathic and sadistic character traits, a desperate need for Snape flared up inside Harry.

After all, Snape was far more experienced in actively dealing with Voldemort and his magic than the two of them together.

Dumbledore’s confidence and inner calm frightened him almost as much as the growing dark magic he sensed around them. Harry was convinced that his eyes shone as bright as the mysterious source of light in the middle of the lake, although his green was likely much more engaging.

This was his hardest use of occlumency so far and he desperately tried to protect his sanity.

His mind worked mercilessly, putting together puzzle pieces while shielding his own musings from Dumbledore, who used the given time during their boat ride to eye him piercingly. Harry almost felt grateful for a marble white hand that drifted right under the surface and was only inches away from their boat, whereas the small island they headed for still was meters away.

Seizing the opportunity, he engaged in Dumbledore’s reflections about corpses and that people naturally mistook their fear of death and darkness for fear of the unknown. A little useful distraction while he prepared himself inwardly for battling a lake full of inferi.

Fire fights dark creatures, he repeated to himself and suddenly remembered that Snape had scheduled the basics of using Fiendfyre only for the upcoming Saturday. On the other hand, he knew some other suiting spells for this case by now and if the inferi really rose, Dumbledore would still be with him.

The basin in the middle of the rocky island contained an emerald green fluid that reminded Harry strangely of radioactive rays like the Muggles always pictured them on TV.

At any rate, the sight of Dumbledore aiming to touch the fluid brought him straight back to reality. If something happened now, no TV director would shout out a loud “CUT!” and have them re-do the scene.

Harry found himself granted one try only. Again. Hopefully, it would turn out just as well as last time.

They both tried several ways of breaking the surface and searching for the horcrux on the ground of the basin, but in the end, Harry subjected to Dumbledore’s conclusion that one of them would have to drink the foul-looking potion.

So far, Dumbledore had made no indication that he had seen through Harry’s acting, which was not too bad indeed as Harry found it increasingly difficult to maintain his shields and composure. He hated playing the naïve but good-hearted boy wonder, but needs must, as always.

With incredible tension, he therefore watched Dumbledore gulped down the first two cups.

Whatever bad poison Harry had subconsciously expected the fluid to be, it was gravely outnumbered by the viciousness and cruelty of what it really was. Seeing Dumbledore writhing on the ground, begging and shouting at invisible people, clearly losing his mind and being physically tortured at the same time, tore him apart.

He wished to help him, release the pain or finish the potion for him, but he was bound to feed it and watch the torture going on. After what seemed like an eternity, the basin was finally emptied.

However, Harry’s moment of relief didn’t last long as Dumbledore immediately lost his consciousness and then screamed in agony for water after the magically initiated awakening.

To his great horror, Voldemort’s barricades blocked every _‘Aguamenti’_ , no matter how hard Harry tried. Feeling his panic and despair rise to a new level, occlumency shields failed him for a fatal second.

He couldn’t remember his jump from the basin to the shore of the lake in order to collect some of its water and once he came back to his senses, he realized his mistake far too late as one of the slimy and dead cold hands had him already by his wrist.

Fighting with fists and curses, Harry soon realized that nothing would hold the attacking inferi back. Seconds later, he was already with his back against the basin, a dramatically weakened Dumbledore crouching by his feet.

When a particularly tall inferius turned his grimace to him and bared his giant and razor-like teeth, the last thing Harry felt was his guilt over how much he had failed Snape and Dumbledore.

Not only would his mistake bring the downfall of their fight against Voldemort, but it would also leave Snape alone in a world collapsing under the victorious dark side.

Just when the inferius was inches away from him, a ring of fire suddenly flared up and pushed the monsters back into the lake.

Dumbledore was back on his feet, if shakily, and the sort of circular Fiendfyre he had casted protected them perfectly while keeping the army of cursed corpses at bay.

“Let’s go back, Harry… You’ve done well… don’t blame yourself…”, he breathed weakly as all power and vigour was stripped from his voice.

Harry mumbled countless apologies on their way back and opened the closed gate with the large, bleeding scratch on his arm before the magical gate finally released them from the cursed place.

During his attempt to close his robes in the stormy winds, his hand brushed against something hard in his pocket and his blood froze once more.

_‘Should the time come, you will know what to do.’_

Snape’s words hit him worse than any squall from the open sea and another wave of guilt and failure pressed the air out of his lungs. Luckily, Dumbledore needed some time to adjust himself, too, and didn’t seem to notice.

While the salty air calmed Harry bit by bit, he quickly understood that the only way to get them back to Hogwarts and call Snape for help, was to slip Dumbledore the potion and apparate his mentor away.

“Here, drink this. It’s some sort of water.”, Harry outright lied and shoved the vial in Dumbledore’s healthy hand. He examined it with a frightening mixture of dizziness and caution first, before locking his blurred blue eyes with Harry’s shining pair and nodding hardly noticeable.

“You need to apparate the both of us away, Harry.”, he replied and gulped down the bilious green potion that in no universe looked like water. Grimly, Harry pictured the closest destination to Hogwarts possible and turned on his heel, Dumbledore’s hand on his arm.

Landing safely in the middle of Hogsmeade, Dumbledore’s mind seemed to have healed a little albeit his body was weaker than ever. Maybe a little too handy in time, Rosmerta joined them and even though Harry noticed that she looked and gestured much differently than usual, he knew that help was only available on the other side of the wards and therefore agreed on flying on spare brooms back to the castle.

++++++++

Somehow stabilizing Dumbledore, Harry could not help but admit his impression of the powerful magic that protected Hogwarts and only vanished after Dumbledore muttered some foreign incantations.

The closer the got to the ominous green and fluorescent snake that crawled out a no less shining green skull in the sky, the more Harry felt his panic rise again. Whoever had casted the Dark Mark over the Astronomy tower was already inside the wards. They were running out of time.

Thankfully, Dumbledore had already mumbled something about getting Snape to help him which would save him precious time. Thinking of his partner, hope and confidence filled his heart again and pushed back any emotion of fear and terror.

Help and support were near and soon, the horrific night would be over, and he could sneak again into his haven in the dungeons.

To his surprise, the Astronomy tower was empty and revealed no sign of death eaters, previous fights or a dead body. Dumbledore also looked a little confused for a second before his sunken face shifted into a grimace of ultimate agony. His uninjured hand clutched on his chest for dear life.

“It’s time to wake your significant other, Harry.”, he choked out through gritted teeth. “Quick, we don’t have much time. Listen to the battle raging in the lower levels… be careful…”

Harry’s blood froze once more. How long had he known and found out? More important, why had he never said anything? Unable to obey his order, Harry swayed on the place, a bewildered look on his face. He had been caught by so much surprised that he didn’t notice his crumbling shields at all.

Dumbledore simply smiled at him.

“Some things are visible to the heart, and the heart only, Harry… not the mind…”, he said with a distinctive mournful tone in his now croaky voice.

“In fact, I only suspected until now… forgive me this little stunt of luring you into a moment of unawareness… I… I am glad I know now for sure.”, he sighed while the sound of explosions, clashes and screaming voices came closer.

“Sir, would you mind a talk later? I’ll be just getting him and then we’ll fight the death eaters… I’ll be careful, I promise.”, said Harry a little anxiously and pulled out his invisibility cloak from his pocket.

His mind still was unable to process the thought that Dumbledore, the third occlumens in the castle, naturally would have hidden any suspicion about them, just like Snape and he had hidden the true nature of their relationship as well.

“Hold on, Harry… I want you to stay for a moment… That’s a new order… Severus’ antidote already did wonders if I compare my current state to the one half an hour ago.”, argued Dumbledore, but Harry did not believe a single word.

The antidote had bought them a little more time at best. Something else was withheld from him and he didn’t like the sudden change of plans at all.

When he wanted to object, Dumbledore held up his blackened hand. This time, it was only for Snape’s words that Harry closed his mouth despite his personal distress. Meanwhile, the shouting voices had gotten ever closer to them.

“Don’t worry, Harry. I will be alright… As will you, if you follow your heart… I am proud of how much light you have brought into this world and his, above all… interesting how it is always coming back to the way we look at things, isn’t it?... There’s always more than meets the eye… ahhhh, your eyes… so shining, so bright… Harry?”

“Sir?”, Harry squealed in terror. He was beyond scared and his instincts screamed at him to put an end to this bizarre situation.

“I must ask one last thing of you tonight…”, said Dumbledore calmly and waited for Harry’s reluctant nod before he continued.

“Forgive me this final shift of perspective… One day, you’ll understand. Good luck, Harry Potter.”

Harry was so taken aback by the sound of those words that he didn’t notice the subtle swish of Dumbledore’s wand that sent him flying straight into a corner.

When he wanted to jump on his feet again, Dumbledore stunned and muted him, leaving him utterly helpless. A final wand movement later and he was entirely covered by his own invisibility cloak, leaving him unable to do, say or ask anything. Slowly, Harry realized that Dumbledore knew much more than he had ever wanted to reveal and that his night was far from ending.

Indeed, his timing could not have been better, because a second later, the door to the platform burst open and a maniac-looking Malfoy entered the scene.

Trapped and forced to watch, the following moments were worse than the sum of visions Voldemort had ever sent him.

Physically and mentally petrified, Harry watched as Dumbledore calmly admitted that he knew of Malfoy’s actions all along; that he knew that Malfoy was ordered to kill him and that the boy hadn’t pursued his task wholeheartedly.

The news about an imperioed Rosmerta and the vanishing cabinet in the Room of Requirement hit Harry with numb defeat. After all he had seen, it felt just like another heavy stone hanging around his neck, slowly suffocating him.

Harry found no bossiness, self-satisfaction or anger inside him as it didn't matter anymore that he had been right all the time. The number of truths and actions he had witnessed during the past hours alone sufficed to break a man.

If anything, the sight of a crying, hysterical and desperate Malfoy simply refused to tolerate any negative emotion towards the boy who apparently thought that he had no choice. Harry felt sorry for him, because no matter how malicious, spiteful and unpleasant Malfoy generally was; no matter what he had done and how he had treated Snape, he didn’t deserve to be forced into becoming a murderer.

Dumbledore handled him extremely well, though, remaining calm and talking to him, offering even the safety of the Order for him and his mother. Hagrid had always been right; Dumbledore simply was a great man. If Malfoy, the supremacist with the big mouth, had ever been close to committing his first killing at all, he was far away from it now. 

That much was clear to Harry, even without knowing that Malfoy generally was a secret wimp. Therefore, relieve washed over him when Malfoy finally lowered his wand which he had pointed at a disarmed Dumbledore throughout the whole length of their talk.

Harry would happily accept a Malfoy under the guard of the Order. In fact, he was ready to accept anything that would put an end to this night and let him get the much needed help for Dumbledore.

But just like in the cave, his moment of easing only lasted for the blink of an eye. Suddenly, a loud explosion unhinged the locked door and to his new horror, Bellatrix Lestrange and three other death eaters joined them.

By their open and downright cruel hostility and the way they took pride in humiliating Dumbledore, even mocking him for remaining kind-hearted in mortal peril, Harry felt an almost untameable fury consuming him.

Those were the people Snape had shared a house at Hogwarts for seven years and still had to endure their company on a regular basis. He felt sorry for him, too, although Snape’s own decisions were responsible for the latter. Nothing, no remorse and no love in the world, could deny that. 

Harry's heart desperately ached for him and he was worried sick because none of their associates, especially Snape, could be seen or heard so far. Maybe, they were all involved in the still on-going battle or trying to break through the barricade at the bottom of the tower which the death eaters must have built.

Snape was undoubtedly among them, maybe even protecting his friends. Had he gotten so involved that he didn’t realize the other death eaters were mere decoys to buy Malfoy time? Didn’t he sense that he was needed up here?

Inwardly begging Merlin to spare his friends and Snape from harm and death, his mind drifted to the exchange between a visibly shrunken and again weakened Dumbledore and Voldemort’s over-confident followers.

In between Bellatrix’ maniac cries, the grunting of the stout brother and sister and the disgusting presence of none other than Fenrir Greyback, who had bitten Remus all those years ago, Harry closely watched Malfoy, whose expression showed that he, too, found the situation infernally unbearable.

In fact, he looked ready to collapse on the spot whilst his aunt circled him in an appalling matter, as though she was trying to seduce him into accomplishing his task. She only backed off when Malfoy raised his wand at Dumbledore again, but compared to his first attempt, he couldn’t control the drastic shake of his hand anymore.

If he performed any spell or curse right now, it would certainly be a dangerous ricochet. Even Bellatrix shut up at the sight of him and seemed to think of an alternative.

Suddenly, a dark and silky voice rose from behind and Harry knew that their salvation was near.

“Stop that.”

Snape had come. His partner had fought his way up to rescue the lot of them. To Harry, it seemed like several pennies dropped at once.

He had come to accomplish his task, too, because Dumbledore, ever the foresighted and wise wizard, had always known that Malfoy wouldn’t want to kill him in the end.

Therefore, he must have instructed Snape to convince Malfoy of switching sides and rescue him if his indoctrinated world view couldn’t be broken within a year.

Of course, Snape was best suited for such a task as he was close to Slytherin, close to the Malfoy’s and a side-shifter as well. He literally knew all about it.

Harry now understood why Snape’s task had been so tiring and intense and why he had been forbidden to speak about it. Even without several lives, existences and reputations at stake, luring a Malfoy out of his comfortable if inhuman position must be listed among the most difficult tasks in the world, right after hunting down horcruxes.

For a moment, Harry wondered how he could help Snape duelling the other death eaters as neither Dumbledore nor Malfoy seemed able to fight properly.

Unfortunately, he didn’t know enough about mind communication to directly connect with Snape’s mind and signal him that he was there to help. It was considered the peak of occlumency and legilimency together which, according to his partner, not even Voldemort had yet achieved.

After a dangerous silences and some exchanged glares between Bellatrix and presumably Snape, Dumbledore succeeded in standing straight again and slightly lifted his hand to be allowed to speak. Wryly grinning, Bellatrix and the other three death eaters inclined their heads in the most ironic way.

Finally, Dumbledore spoke, but the sound of his voice sent ice-cold shivers down Harry’s spine and banished his hope and euphoria about the arrival of his partner and all-time saviour into darkness.

“Severus… please…”

His voice, barely audible, was a desperate plea, a sheer cry for mercy. Worse, there was also a distinctive shocked undertone which ran like a knife into Harry's body.

When some clouds in front of the moon dispersed, he knew in unequivocal manner that his gut feeling was justified.

The faint, cold light had finally revealed Snape’s face, who had been standing in the shadows from Harry’s viewing angle so far, only that he almost didn’t recognize him anymore.

His face, white as the inferi from the cave, had become a mask of pure hatred, disdain and determination. It scared the living out of Harry.

Before he truly realized how wrong he had been, the ebony wand was already pointed at Dumbledore and the once so familiar voice resounded deadly cold throughout the platform.

_“Avada Kedavra!”_

And Dumbledore fell, leaving them all behind.


	24. The Boy with Two Faces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once the battle dies down, everybody at Hogwarts has to deal with a world without Dumbledore. Meanwhile, Harry truly understands what has happened and draws his conclusions.

“Get out!”, Snape barked at his Death Eater colleagues and shoved a shock-frozen Malfoy into Bellatrix’s arms with brutal force.

“NOW, you dunderheads, or would you like to fall as well?”, he screeched and sent a double stinging hex right in the siblings’ chest.

Squeaking like pigs, they finally moved and at the sight of Snape’s death glare, even Greyback bowed his head and disappeared.

“Never thought you’d had it in you, Snape!”, coaxed Bellatrix, stepping forward and putting a hand around his waist, before her face turned dangerously close to his.

With a disgusted grunt, Snape sent her and Malfoy flying to the door, then straightened his robes as though he needed to clean himself.

“OUT WITH YOU; who knows who else Dumbledore has informed!”, he bellowed and pushed them further inside the corridor. With a last turn on his heel, Snape looked around the platform, taking deep breaths in what looked like utmost triumph and relief.

With a final billow of his cloak, he was gone as well, and Harry crumbled on the stop the moment the door slammed shut with a loud bang.

He wished to be dead; he wished to be the one the killing curse had been aimed at.

Anything seemed better than facing the truth that his partner had openly shown his true alliance and killed his Albus Dumbledore without hesitation.

Anything seemed better than feeling his sub-consciousness realize that from now on, he was alone at the front in this war against Voldemort, while his mind still struggled with what he had been forced to see.

His heart thundered as though it wanted to beat for Dumbledore’s as well, but no matter what would happen next, the old and wise wizard was laying on the school yard, killed by the person he had trusted the most, with whom he had planned his next steps. Again, Harry had lost everything.

Only then he realized that he was literally crumbled on the floor, meaning he was able to move again. Of course, the moment Dumbledore’s life had come to this undignified end, his spells had stopped working on him.

He could move again, and when he found his voice as well, a heart-breaking scream escaped from him. Blinded by tears, anger and shock, he tripped over his own feet multiple times while aiming for the door, until he noticed a small piece of parchment sticking to the sole of a shoe and apparently stopping him from leaving.

Detaching it with trembling fingers, his heart already knew who had left it there for him. Although his mind shouted at him to ignore it, to forget about every shared moment in the past, he couldn’t resist. Hope died last, after all.

 _Pumpkin_ , he read, and rage flared up inside him.

How dared he still call him by his pet name after what he’d done? Hadn’t he perturbed him enough, most likely on Voldemort’s command? He had been so stupid, blinded by the one thing he craved the most and he’d gone without for a decade already. Love. Harry had been betrayed by love.

_Pumpkin, when you read this note, know that I accomplished my task and got rid of the Unbreakable Vow simultaneously. I am heartbroken to leave you in this state without explaining myself properly, now that I finally can. Run and go after me. Let yourself consume by the hurt and betrayal you undoubtedly feel right now. Until you’re back in your dorm, you must become two-faced. It is the only way. Love, your favourite Sugar Quill_

Harry was so horrified and disgusted by Snape’s message that he stopped crying.   
The battle downstairs had resumed, loud sounds of whirring curses, exploding materials and screams penetrated the treacherous silence of the platform, but Harry, still standing there, was more horrified and disgusted by Snape’s message.

Suddenly, it hit him worse than any stunning spell, curse or jinx he’d ever received. The murder had been planned way beforehand.   
Dumbledore must have had a plan all along, likely from the moment he had dropped Harry in Godric’s Hollow. 

It must have been the night he had told Snape to kill him and by doing so, forcing him to play his role as a Death Eater with more clarity and success than ever. Narcissa’s comment in Diagon Alley, the overheard arguments between Dumbledore and Snape… 

Harry had been once more too much of a greenhorn to see the insane ties, lucky coincidences and big goals of both sides in this war. 

Running down the stairs like a maniac, he only had one goal in mind: Finding Snape, dragging him back and forcing him to tell the truth and getting to know the next steps. 

Snape had known that Harry was with Dumbledore on the platform, he could have easily stayed behind to catch or harm him. By sending the Death Eaters away, he had tried to protect him, give him time to understand. 

Now that Dumbledore wasn’t there to give answers anymore and the Order wouldn’t know about this highly sensitive information, Harry needed to act on his own. 

Spitting on the grimy, dusty and blood-covered floors, his thoughts halted abruptly when he really saw the extent of the battle and how many of his friends and younger fellow students were fighting Death Eaters with fierce determination. 

When Amycus duelled Ginny, trying to torture her, a wild beast in his chest finally broke free. Jinxing the slimy Death Eater, his eyes searched for Snape, who was likely accompanied by Malfoy, as Bellatrix was clearly enjoying the ongoing battle. Her cackle drowned out even the loudest bangs and clashes.

Not much later, Harry found the two men leaving the castle already. Ignoring different shouts from his people, he sprinted through the Entrance Hall and finally got within earshot.

“HE TRUSTED YOU!”, he screamed at the tops of his lungs, causing them to swirl around and even the large blond Death Eater stopped attacking Hagrid for a split second. A fortunate mistake, as he quickly broke down under one of the massive slaps Hagrid was capable of.

A first, a second, a third jinx were cursed at Snape, who did nothing but lazily deflect them. Harry forced himself to think of the moment Dumbledore’s eyes had lost their spark, the moment his life had ended.

“Incarcer-“, he shouted, eyes wet with tears again. Snape was still standing close to Malfoy while the other Death Eaters were fleeing the grounds.

“Blocked again, Potter! Again and again and again… will you ever learn to close your mind?”, he shouted back and deflected the torturing curse that Harry had nonverbally casted in his blind rage.

“No Unforgiveables, Potter!”, he screeched, playing his part so well. “As if you have the mental and technical skills…”

“MURDERER! TRAITOR! FILTHY SCUM!”, Harry retorted and aimed for another hotchpotch of the Prince’s spells. Maybe this would lure Snape out of his Death Eater comfort zone. He could goad him as good as the other way around.

“NO!”, screamed Snape as though he was in physical pain. “Draco, come on now… leave… the Ministry will show up soon… I’lI take care of him... GO!”

While Draco really went for the gate, the other Death Eater got a glimpse of Harry and suddenly, he was knocked off his feet by a white flash of pain. It was worse than the Cruciatus from Voldemort two years ago, worse than his possession last year. Harry was dying without accomplishing any of his tasks or personal goals. What had he done?

“No, you dolt! He belongs to the Dark Lord!”

He heard Snape’s voice, a groan and finally, the pain was gone. Still laying on the ground, Harry’s heart screamed at him to stop Snape once and for all, to trigger his weakest spot… the weakest... the most vulnerable... 

His worst memories, what else. Getting up, Harry lifted his wand and decided to feel later sorry for it. 

“Levicor-“

“NO! NO, POTTER, DON’T YOU DARE! Using my spells against me, just like your filthy father!”, Snape barked, and the moonlight revealed his now enraged face and stone-hard expression.

“Then come here and fight me like a man, you goddamned COWARD!”, Harry bellowed so loud that something in his throat started hurting. 

“DO – NOT – CALL – ME – COWARD!”

Snape’s cry was the most inhuman sound he had ever heard from him and finally, a jinx hit Harry right in his chest, sending him back a couple of meters. A dragon-hide boot soon kicked his wand out of his hand and Snape bent over him while Harry still groaned in pain.

“You thought of my weakest spot.”, Snape murmured close to his ear. “I am so proud of you. Go back and mourn him with your friends. Answers are waiting on your bed.”

For a moment, their expressions softened and tears welled up in Harry’s eyes again, but before he had the chance to say something or hold onto him, a sudden horror crossed Snape’s face and he jumped to his feet.

Buckbeak had arrived out of nowhere and his razor-like claws were lashing out at Snape, who was now running for his own life.

Screeching, Buckbeak chased him and when he suddenly searched the ground instead of further attacking, Harry knew that Snape had made it. He had escaped.

++++++++

The third most painful thing of this evening was convincing Hagrid that Dumbledore, his all-time mentor, friend and role-model, had been killed by a fellow colleague and member of the Order. Compared to this, the burned-out hut and terrified Fang were mere casualties.

Worse, Hagrid only realized the truth Harry had been trying to tell him when they both looked down on a fragile dead body with long grey hair and an even longer beard.

Pain and grief flooded Harry’s heart. Seeing Dumbledore like this, limbs strangely apart from his body and a small blood clot on his face, was like reliving the moments on the Astronomy tower. He fell onto his knees, closed the light blue eyes that now stared into nowhere and, for the first time of tonight, let go.

Crying and sobbing, Harry didn’t see more and more students come outside and witness the terrible truth. Albus Dumbledore, protector of the school and odd grandfatherly figure to many of them, was laying dead on his own grounds. 

“What’s that, Harry?”, Hagrid suddenly croaked and pointed at the locket which had fallen out of Dumbledore’s pocket. It was open and Harry didn’t really need to take it to know that something was wrong. 

After all obstacles they had overcome to get the locket, it wouldn’t just spring open after falling on the ground like a common Muggle object. To prove his point, Harry quickly grabbed it and shook his head to make Hagrid step back. 

Indeed, the horcrux, a supposedly living thing, consisted of a mere note, written in scrawny letters. Some of them were smeared, as though the author had cried while putting them on paper.

_To the Dark Lord_  
_I know I will be dead long before you read this_  
_but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret._  
_I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can._  
_I face death in the hope that when you meet your match,_  
_you will be mortal once more._  
_R.A.B._

  
It all had been for naught. The hunt, the murder of Dumbledore, it had been for nothing but a hoax.

Dumbledore had died knowing that Harry had been given a starting point to finish Voldemort and know, kneeling besides his corpse, Harry knew that would have to start all over again.

Desperate, exhausted and broken into pieces, Harry’s fingernails pressed into the balls of his hands, clutching the fake horcrux as a sorry proof of their alleged success.

“Harry, let’s go…”, Hagrid said and when he didn’t react, a smaller and warmer hand rested on his shoulder. 

“Let’s go, Harry. You can do this. We’re all with you.”

It was Ginny. The girl who loved him and whom he had rejected. The girl who had fought bravely in the Entrance Hall despite being fifteen years old. Ginny, his friend, who understood him far better than he had ever realized.

Reluctantly, Harry got up and followed her to the hospital wing. While Ginny spoke of Bill being attacked by Greyback and how lucky they all had been during the battle, he finally understood what Snape had truly meant by ‘becoming two-faced’. 

He needed to pretend that Snape had cold-bloodedly murdered Dumbledore and that his true loyalty had always been with Voldemort. He needed to act as though there hadn’t been a plan, a note or anything at all apart from what his friends and the Order already knew about Snape and his official relationship to Harry.

Telling the truth, which was based on a concealed note, his words only and a forbidden student-teacher-relationship, would hardly convince many people but only cause another shock among the Order. With Dumbledore gone, they needed unity and stability more than ever. They needed information to act on, not information that would tear them apart. 

Furthermore, telling that Snape had been tasked and bound to kill Dumbledore wouldn’t undo the act. Whether he liked to admit it or not, Snape had actually committed a murder.

On their remaining way upstairs, Harry focused on his occlumency skills and created several walls and shields that would do it for the hardest job of his life so far: Lying to his friends and framing the one he loved, all in the name of the greater good. Like Snape, like Dumbledore. He was close to getting sick again. 

++++++++

As expected, horror, grief and anger drowned the atmosphere in the hospital wing even before Harry finished his report. While McGonagall referred to Snape’s dark past, Lupin almost lost it when Harry stretched the truth about Snape’s remorse until it matched his storyline.

Fortunately, before guilt could wash over him, Mr and Mrs Weasley arrived, and the focus shifted to them and a bad-looking Bill.

In between the shock about the news and angst about Bill, the sudden reconciliation between Mrs Weasley and Fleur stabbed Harry like a new knife.

They would still be getting married, while he was dealing with an unbearable separation from his beloved.

  
When Tonks and Lupin started to argue about something that sounded awfully familiar to him and explained so many things with finality, he couldn’t help but break down.

No matter how happy he should, and one day certainly would feel for their luck and that they finally had found each other, especially in those dark hours, it was now just too much.

Being asked to join the remaining professors and Hagrid in Dumbledore’s office to discuss the future of Hogwarts and the funeral therefore seemed like a welcome distraction before he could finally go back to the safety of his dorm.

++++++++

“You’re alright, mate?”, asked Ron once he and Harry were alone on their beds. The common room had been awfully crowded and Harry didn’t feel like staying there, enduring their looks and whispers and somehow finding some comfort for his own sake.

“Yes, Ron… I guess… it’s just so much…”, he replied flatly and rubbed his eyes. There was indeed a small package on his pillow, but as long as Ron was with him, he couldn’t open it.

As though Ron understood his longing gaze, he got up and pulled Harry in a tight hug, rubbing circles across his backs. Harry, who wanted to object first, felt his strength vanish and leaned in.

“It was a hoax, not a horcrux… someone was there before us… R.A.B….”, he whispered weakly against his shoulder and new tears wet his face.

“I’m telling Hermione, Harry… bet she’ll find out all about that guy… I guess it’s good to know that we’re not the only ones hunting them down…”, Ron said earnestly, but Harry shrugged. 

“He’s dead. That’s what he said, at least. Here, take it with you, but bring it back later. I need some time alone.”

Patting Harry’s back on last time, Ron took the locket out of his hand and turned to leave, eventually stopping at the top of the stairs.

“Speaking of being there before us… Harry, Dobby dropped that package for you while we were getting ready to… yeah, you know… he said that it was charmed in a way that would force you to open it if you didn’t voluntarily… don’t know, better…”

“That’s fine, Ron. I trust Dobby.”, Harry said and faked a confident smile.

With shaking hands, his attention shifted to the small black package that had several locking and warding charms on it, all invented by Snape himself.

It took him half an hour to break the last one and with a light buzz, it finally vanished, leaving nothing but its content behind.

Among several vials with different potions, a small diary, a folded paper and a silver anklet, a larger note than the previous one stood out.

Taking a deep breath, Harry decided to start with whatever Snape had to say. His heart skipped a beat. Snape had written a letter, not a note. 

_ONCE FINISHED READING, THE LETTER WILL BURN TO ASHES!_

_Dear Harry,_

_Now that my job is done, I must accept my upcoming future without you, maybe without your love even, in the hope that one day, we’ll be allowed enough time to talk and mend what has been broken tonight. And even if you decide to leave things as they are now, know that I won’t blame you for it._

_First, I want you to know how proud I am and how proud your parents and godfather would be, if they were here. Maybe this would be our first common ground, I dare hope so at least._

_My task, which has caused so many arguments and feelings of discontent between us, belongs now to the past, and I catch myself wanting them back, if it only meant for him to live and for us to be together._

_Albus knew he was going to die; the curse in his hand was killing him slowly, but he wanted to die for the cause and fate, cruel as ever, found a way._

_I hope you can forgive me one day; for the crime of committing a murder, if a requested one; for the crime of letting you think that I would come to safe you; for the crime of forcing you to hide all of this, of us, from your friends. I never wanted you to be in my position and yet, here you are._

_It’s the only way to defeat him and to ensure that one day, we can be together in peace, without secrets, if we wish. I long for an eternity with you and hope that you still feel the same, at least one day._

_There’s more to say, but the time has, again, not come and I am not meant to speak sooner than I was bound to. I wish I had had a say in this, believe me._

_My heart bleeds because of all the hurt, betrayal, anger and despair I had to cause. I am sorry for leaving without a better explanation than this. I am sorry for not being a better partner to you._

_But Harry, know this: I will do anything to buy you (you and our whole side) as much time as possible, for that you find and destroy the remaining horcruxes. I will aid you incessantly, even though I can only do so from the safety of the shadows. I will do whatever it takes to help you bringing him down. I will carry you in my heart and I will live and plan every day in preparation of the time after him._

_This is not a promise, but a vow. A willingly given vow._

_Know that you are so loved, know that the past year has been the brightest of my life and know that I will forever love you for the man you are; caring, kind-hearted and incredibly brave._

_I am sure that we will meet again, maybe sooner than later, but until this day comes, take those objects with you:_

_\- Several healing, strengthening and nourishing potions (just in case)_  
_\- Several antidotes (among others the one against Nagini’s bite; use them wisely)_  
_\- An overview of the most useful warding, defensive and duelling spells (I know your notebook is incomplete and since most of them are not registered; make sure Ms Granger doesn’t see the list, she may doubt you and you must trust each other!)_  
_\- A silver anklet charmed with every protection charm I know, but it only withstands to a limited amount of magic and doesn’t immunize you against Unforgiveables (forgive me for running out of time to perfect it)_  
_\- The diary, inspired by the first horcrux you destroyed so bravely. It will allow us to communicate at least a little. Whenever it tingles, I’ll be on the other side and vice versa. (Don’t write in it now!!! I won’t be alone for a while and the Dark Lord better not find out! If someone but us touches it, it will burn to ashes (still my downfall when he is near). Wait for my call!)_

_Harry, I won’t give up on you._

_Always yours,_  
_Severus_

The flickering fire of the burning letter in his hands reflected in Harry’s glasses and face, which was drowned in tears. He didn’t let go when the first flames licked his fingers, and to his numb acceptance, they didn’t hurt drowned all. Snape had even thought of that.

Finally, the truth or at least parts of it. Harry didn’t know whether to move or not, whether to scream out his agony or remain silent. His heart bled worse than ever and he wondered when this kind of pain would succumb and allow him to break down once and for all.

He couldn’t get rid of the pictures inside his head, of the horrific mask that had been Snape’s face only seconds before he mercy-killed Dumbledore. His heart, on the other hand, couldn’t forget the words in his letter and the love and adoration that had seeped through them.

To occupy his body at least, he studied the potion vials carefully and indeed, he noticed tiny labels that carried his handwriting. From the shadows, Harry thought grimly and put them back on the pillow. 

Next thing in his hands was the silver anklet, whose little charms slid through his fingers: a lion, a snake, an emerald, a ruby, a small cauldron, an owl, a cup of tea and a small sheet of parchment. 

It looked beautiful and when Harry closed the small lock around his ankle, a tingle of kind magic filled his body with love, as though someone had laid a blanket around him.

While the diary was plain, as he expected, every square millimetre of the folded paper was filled with black ink, either showing a name, a wand movement or the correct pronunciation. He even found one curse or the other that felt suspiciously like Sectumsempra. Fortunately, he was prepared now, but it was true; if Hermione saw this sheet, she’d be even more enraged than with the Half-Blood Prince’s book.

The essence of Snape’s complex and twisted brilliancy laid in his hands. It was all Harry had apart from his friends, at least for the upcoming period.

Although he still wasn’t over the fact that his partner had killed Dumbledore, his heart and soul had already conspired against his mind and forgiven him.

Now, while Fawkes sang the final verses of his song of grief, he too hoped that there would be a time when the two of them could go somewhere quiet, have a long talk and finally enjoy some true peace together.

Tears prickled in his eyes, accompanied by a new wave of determination that washed over him and filled his lungs with fresh air.

He would defeat Voldemort, no matter what other option the prophecy had proposed. Voldemort would die and they would live together in a better world.

Harry packed everything in his trunk with utmost care, before he shut the curtains of his four-poster bed and occluded his mind after skimming on last time through Snape’s and his happiest moments together.

For tonight, void would be his best companion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kind and amazing support!!! It's incredible how many of you are reading this story 🙏🤩🥰🥰🥰
> 
> As always, if there are too many mistakes, kindly let me know. 🙏


	25. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dumbledore is being buried and Harry needs to devise a scheme of how things will be going on in the future before he will leave Hogwarts for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kindly notify me if there are some major mistakes that disrupt the reading flow and understanding of the story.

Over the next few days, Harry watched some of his friends and fellow colleagues leave Hogwarts, mostly on their parents’ request, but some, like Seamus, had spectacular battle of words in order to stay and attend the funeral.

To Harry, it was six of one and half a dozen of another. He knew he was spending his last days at the place he called home, at the place where he first felt like he belonged to, despite all adventures and dangers that had crossed his path. Compared to the horror of the past days, they all seemed so small now, so easy to conquer.

 _What is life without a little risk,_ Sirius had once asked and even though Harry still didn’t like the circumstances, he couldn’t help but smile sadly at the memory. When had the little risks exactly turned into mortal peril? Where could he have drawn a line or had the small adventures been part of the bigger picture all along?

His mind works incessantly and sometimes, he caught himself thinking of a particular couch on which he had spoken about so many things that had been staying in the dark for far too long.

While Hogsmeade got more overcrowded by the day, because the whole wizarding society of Britain wished to pay its last respects to Dumbledore, Harry often looked for the quietest and loneliest places on the school grounds to… well, that was the point. What was he doing?

One minute, he felt like hiding and chickening out of reality, the next minute he needed the calm to train his shields and keep his emotions in check, even relive the traumatic moments in both the cave and on the tower to ensure he wouldn’t miss one detail.

Moreover, he needed space from his friends as their pitiful, worried and curious postures quickly rose to an unbearable level for him. It was hard dealing with everything on his own and once more, Harry wondered how Snape had even managed to function on a daily basis.

Strolling along the borders of the Forbidden Forest, where he had last seen Snape and Dumbledore together – probably saying goodbye to each other and discussing their macabre plan- he felt safe enough to allow himself to cry. Something that he had rarely done before and had always been told not to do at any costs.

Hagrid, who kept looking out for him whenever he was near the almost rebuilt hut, naturally hugged him dearly and offered countless cups of tea, but Harry could not find any comfort or pleasure in them. They were nothing like the cups he had gotten used to, a bad copy at best and surely painful memory of yet another wonderful thing he had lost.

++++++++

On the morning of Dumbledore’s funeral, Harry felt farther away from being almost of age than ever. In fact, he was as helpless as a toddler or any child in primary school, secretly wishing for his mum and dad to be around and tell him what to do; guide him through the protocol which undoubtedly existed. Nothing official ever came without protocols, directives and unspoken codes of behaviour.

Even Petunia, spiteful and biased as she was on her best days, would not bother bossing him around and ensuring that he would stay in line.

Sighing, he joined Ron and Hermione for a gloomy breakfast, even though he needed to fight his instincts at the sight of Ministry officials at the staff’s table, especially when he spotted Scrimgeour sitting on Snape’s usual place without looking troubled at all.

Only then, Harry recognized the forced neutral mimics on the other teachers’ faces. It was like they had silently agreed to act as though Snape had never existed - probably as a desperate cry to ease their own pain and guilt that certainly raged inside each and every one of them.

A little while before Harry, Ron, Ginny, Hermione and the remaining members of Dumbledore’s Army would meet in the Entrance Hall, he tried his best to look presentable for the funeral and likely spent the longest time in the shared bathroom in their dorm until his hair was combed down, his stubbles shaved and he was wearing his black dressing robes.

Standing with his back against the entrance, the almost inaudible clearing of a throat only provided him from opening the small box for the umpteenth time.

“Harry, are you – are you free for a moment?”, asked Hermione, her voice trembling with something else than grief and fear. She was accompanied by Ron who, also wearing the new dress robes that Fred and George had gotten him, was currently fussing with the hems that naturally had gotten far too short. Even without his polished glasses, he knew that she had talked him into this confrontation, whatever it was about.

“I was never free, Hermione.”, Harry replied cryptically and raised an eyebrow until he realized the connection to the person he longed for the most. “Go on, then, if you don’t mind that I’m just bad company these days…”

The three of them sat next to each other on Harry’s bed, which creaked under the combined weight of two grown young men and a girl with a shoulder bag that almost fell apart from too many books stuffed in its narrow space inside.

“Here, look at this…”, she said and handed over another old and yellowed picture of a girl he recognized immediately. It hurt to even look at her, with the familiar thick black eyebrows, piercing glare and her face that was just as narrow and striking as his. Her hair, black and slightly better looking than his, was about the same length and braided in two even plaits which only pointed out her slightly ill-looking and unfriendly features. Eileen Prince, mother to Severus Snape.

“I told you that I would find out who the Half-Blood Prince truly was…”, she continued while carefully checking Harry’s reaction as though she expected a melt-down or snap of his temper.

“She was the Captain of the Hogwarts Gobstone Club, you know that already. I checked old issued of the Daily Prophet for her name and there was an announcement that one day, Eileen Prince married a muggle called Tobias…”

“-Snape.”, Harry cut her off dryly. “It’s not like he inherited most of her features, you know…”

He still was a bit unsettled in his new role as the internal keeper of Snape’s knowledge and secrets and therefore pretended to fist his sheets and struggle for control in order to buy him some valuable time. Hermione, held back by a head-shaking Ron, finally got the message and waited impatiently for him to open his eyes again, even though his gaze had become a little apathic and empty ever since that night.

“So, a pure-blood witch announced her marriage with a muggle in our newspaper and…”, he said expectantly, wishing to test Hermione and her way of thinking firstly. A rather natural move to him after all he had learned during the past year. Also, he thought it safer to let others speak and engage in conversations by mostly asking questions. Hermione cleared her throat again.

“… and a little later, there was another announcement that she had given birth to a…”

“-murderer.”, stated Harry bitterly and pulled a face. No matter how undeniable the truth was, it still felt wrong to speak of it aloud and frame Snape for the wrong presumptions.

“She was not the Half-Blood Prince.”, Harry argued and sensed Ron’s agreement to his right while Hermione already shook her head vehemently.

“We don’t know that, Harry.”, she said sternly. “Maybe she just had dropped her… experiments, because she fell in love, had a child and later, passed on her knowledge to him.”

“You’re wrong, Hermione.”, hissed Harry, feeling steadily annoyed by her insistence and more so, that he could not tell the truth open-heartedly and reveal the real circumstances under which Snape had been doomed to grow up.

“The Half-Blood Prince… Lord Voldemort… two bitter and spiteful wizards with more talent than moral conscience and compass.”, he started his rant and once the first words slipped his tongue, playing his part suddenly felt much easier, almost natural.

“Two Slytherins with apparently twisted and questionable backgrounds, with muggle fathers who stained their existence in their eyes… drawn to the Dark Arts, always looking for appreciation, approval and power… whenever it wasn’t given to them willingly, they found their ways to claim it by force or fear… seduced by Dark Magic, a never-ending need for it in their lives… Hiding behind a creepy fantasy name… How could we oversee this? How could Dumbledore miss this correlation? He taught them both, he worked with Snape for years…”

Ron, getting his point, anger and frustration, albeit feigned, patted his shoulder and nodded in agreement, whereas Hermione’s furrowed her brows and clenched her lips.

“Snape already had tons of chances to get straight to you, Harry. It doesn’t seem logic that Vol… You-Know-Who would waste a whole year just to get Dumbledore out of his way, punish Malfoy and turn his ears and eyes on our side against us. He wants you, in the end, always wanted you and the whole plot seems even more phony given that… all puzzle pieces seem to match too well, but only within the context. If you draw the big picture, it looks wrong, contrived and somehow constructed… Harry, You-Know-Who made twice the same mistake of wasting time before he could fulfil his dream and… oh my… kill you. I don’t think he’d put a punishment of the Malfoy above your demise on his priority list.”, she said almost furiously.

Harry, who had never been this much aware of her understanding of Snape and all the twisted interrelations, looked at her with an utmost baffled expression and struggled for a brief moment whether he should open up to his closest friends or not. But too much was at stake, too many unknown risks and dangers were likely waiting for them once they left the harmed, but still existing safety of Hogwarts.

While she backed off a little, apparently afraid of his reaction after her passionate outburst, Harry was suddenly hit by the realization that Hermione and Snape shared the same sense of logic, the same thirst for knowledge and a desperate need to prove themselves in the wizarding world. She as a muggle-born, who would likely never be fully accepted by many people and he as a half-blood grown up in dire poverty, who must have felt accepted in neither world until one day, the house of the snakes had warmed his inner cold.

“Hermione, do you know how this makes me feel?”, whispered Harry and blinked away some stray tears that stubbornly tried to blur his vision. In this way, she wouldn’t notice his radiant green eyes that must have lit up like a fire behind his glasses and he wouldn’t give himself away.

Apologetically, she buried her face in her hands and started crying, too, until Ron pulled them into a tight bear-hug. No words could describe the rush of endorphins in Harry’s blood and for a moment, he was able to forget the imminent horror of burying a father figure under the watchful eyes of a spineless Ministry and the whole student body.

“We should go, mates.”, said Ron quietly and broke their connection, voice cracking. He looked no less terrified by the inevitable, regardless of having attended funerals of old distant relatives in the Weasley clan.

++++++++

Burying Dumbledore had been anything but a plain affair and when the crowd dissolved, Harry let out a relieved breath. Ginny, who had sat by his side all along while Hermione sought comfort in the strength of Ron’s arms, squeezed his hand and gave him a weak smile.

Listening to the countless speeches and praises of Dumbledore’s academic success and his contributes to the magical world and society had been a both tiring and enraging matter, he thought. He wondered how many, or rather how few people had known the real Dumbledore, the human being, the man with immense magical abilities. After all he had seen in the cave, Harry felt a miserable certainty rising in himself that he was just as far away from being among those people as he would wake up next to Snape in the near future.

“You have a minute, Ginny?”, he asked her warily and smiled softly at her slight frown. He didn’t blame her in the least, she was probably just expecting another bad news from him.

“People have noticed how close we have gotten… as friends…”, he quickly added.

“So?”, she asked confused and crossed her arms. Growing up with six older brothers had definitely rubbed off on her.

“Well… don’t expect us to be around next year… In fact, prepare to be watched, threatened probably, because of our friendship.”, Harry stammered.

“What do you want, Harry?”, she asked and the shade on her cheeks betrayed the extent of her irritation.

“We need to act as if we would argue and separate now, Ginny. Hermione and you, you are like sisters to me and knowing that you will be at Hogwarts next years without us, I… I just want to make sure that you are not in the centre of possible aggressions towards anyone who is known for sympathising with me.”

“I won’t cower in fear of what Death Eater may do to us or who will take over the school. I won’t be hiding, just because it’s getting tougher and tougher each year. I get that there is no future for us, at least not in the way I hoped for, but I won’t let you down. If you have a mission to accomplish, count on us to stand united here.”, she said fiercely and her eyes burned with determination and power.

“Besides, it’s not like we need to feign an argument, do we? Gryffindor temper comes in handy at times, I’ve always said so.”, she went on and a sudden wink made him blush like a boy.

Ginny was a true force of nature, there was absolutely no denying. As much as Harry would have loved, his couldn’t pull her into a tight hug right now. Later, he swore to himself and precautionary stepped back, holding his hands up in defence while winking at her as well. The moment her features slipped, he also turned on his heel and immediately felt his blood boil with rage.

Seeing the Minister eyeing them from afar, he started a quick escape but unfortunately, Scrimgeour had found a way to stand in front of him within seconds. It would always remain a mystery to him as to how thick high-ranking politicians could be when it came to common sense and possessing a shred of dignity. Not to mention actually caring about humanity.

Smugly grinning, Harry watched Scrimgeour storm off after their encounter, which had lasted mere minutes at last. He was about to turn on his heel to go back his no less suspicious and mistrusting friends when he caught a glimpse of a tall, dark shadow in the forest, far away from the path the centaurs had used.

He couldn’t be here, could he? Snape would never put himself and his mission at such a risk, especially not now that the whole Ministry was actively searching for him. According to Ron, they were trying to track down his house in Spinner’s End and finally had broken into his quarters in the dungeons after countless trials and errors.

Harry was sure that his mind was playing tricks on him, that it projected his own desires on him and fooled his vision. Returning to the castle for the last time as a relatively free student, Ginny’s words rung in his head all of a sudden.

He knew he couldn’t stop Ginny, Neville and the rest of the DA from refusing to lay low and collaborate with whatever darkness would greet them next school year, but could he really endanger his closest friends by taking them with him on this undoubtedly dangerous journey? Plus, how would Snape and he stay in contact when no one but them could know about them?

As expected, Hermione and Ron refused to listen to his points made and, in the end, he was secretly relieved to know that the two of them would be with him physically. As much as he looked forward to Snape’s support, however he would do it, having two people around him lightened his mood immensely.

Fortunately, the first steps from now on were already decided for them. Harry needed to leave his true home and return to the house he should have felt homely ever since Dumbledore had left him there, before he would go to the Burrow and celebrate Bill’s and Fleur’s wedding with his surrogate family.

An event, so surreal and wonderful at once, from which he hoped to gain extra strength to pull through and maybe have his own happy ending with a dark, tall and brilliant man as his personal light at the end of the tunnel.

Metres away from the wooden castle entrance, he admired the view over the grounds and the Forbidden Forest for a last time as they would need to hurry and collect their belongings before the train would depart. Suddenly, and now he was sure that his eyes did not betray him, he saw the shadow again.

Telling his friends to go on, he ran off and genuinely thanked Dudley for playing Harry hunting when they were young, because he reached the nearest trees in no time. Stumbling across roots and stones, he finally fell into a pair of strong arms. Even without smelling the familiar scent of parchment, fresh herbs and cold earth, he knew that those arms only belonged to one man: him.

“What are you doing here? You could be seen!”, he hissed in excitement and barely could restrain himself from showering Snape in desperate hugs and kisses.

“They can’t. I made sure of it.”, he replied and pressed Harry harder against his chest. “I’m glad to you saw me and that you believed me... Harry, forgive me… please… I never wanted to…”

“I… Severus… I don’t know where to start…”, stammered Harry and felt his face getting wet. It was all too much. When he looked up to study the angular face of his partner, he realized that he had not been the only one crying in the shadows. Snape looked devasted, close to another break down even, but when their eyes met, a smile appeared on his lips.

“I miss you terribly.”, he admitted and kissed the crown of his head. Clutching his arms around his torso, Harry felt that Snape had lost quite some weight.

“Thank you for being so considerate about our security, Harry.”, Snape continued, ignoring Harry’s shocked gasp for air. Instead, he brought his lips to Harry’s and captured them in the tenderest way imaginable. Harry’s heart skipped several beats and while their kiss lasted, his world seemed to be whole again for a moment.

When they parted, heavily panting and still holding tight onto each other, Harry struggled for words. His mind was blurry and secretly, he wished to apparate them to somewhere quiet and comfortable, a tiny house by the beach perhaps.

“Thank you for the note, the box… for everything. I… Severus… what will happen next?”

Harry refused to let go of him and grabbed his black cloak. Wherever Snape had found shelter, it could be no happy place and for a brief moment, he dreamt of running away with him, living from what every day would offer them and making the most of it while hunting down horcruxes and defeating Voldemort. As long as he could be with him, he was ready to gladly accept any obstacle in his way.

“Shhh… Harry, don’t worry about me… You’ll return one last time to your aunt’s; you’ll be brought to the Burrow and continue your research from there… I’ll be around… I’ll be wherever you are… In case you worry about leaving home today; they won’t attack you. I promise.”, whispered Snape and gently cupped his face with his hands.

“Ginny and I fought about me wanting her to stay away from me, because I want…”

“… to protect her.”, he finished his sentence. “You’re so noble, pumpkin. I am incredibly proud of you.”

“Don’t be. The horcrux we found… it was a hoax.”, admitted Harry quietly and felt shamefully small and useless. He felt that none of his past actions and emotional roller coaster rides deserved to be praised in any way.

“I have to start all over again. Someone knows about them. Somebody else wanted to destroy horcruxes before us. Severus, do know someone called R. A. B.?”

“Harry? HARRY?! Where are you?”, a female voice yelled not too far away from them. Harry spun around, but neither Hermione, nor Ginny were in sight. When he faced Snape again, he realized that his partner’s face had gotten paler than before and something in his eyes betrayed another horror he lived with for only Merlin knew how long.

“I must leave, Harry. Promise me to go to Grimmauld Place on the first chance you get. If I should not have written in our notebook until then, rest assured that the dreadful house will provide you with answers.”, Snape whispered against his temple.

With a last kiss that tasted of love, longing and confidence, he ran deeper into the forest, his billowing cloak blending in with the darkness.

They had become one and now that they were forcibly separated, Harry was convinced that the day all broken parts of Voldemort’s soul were destroyed would also be the day Snape and he would become one again. This time, it would only be forever.

Home was no longer bounded to a place. Harry was home whenever he was around, he was home as long as he carried Snape in his heart.

Suddenly, he couldn’t wait for the Hogwarts Express to depart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it (for now)!!! Thank you guys for this incredible experience! I enjoyed publishing my first (Snarry) fanfiction in English and I am absolutely delighted to see how many of you followed this story, left comments and kudos... Honestly, you are the best! 💖
> 
> I will need a couple of days to put down the sequel's final storyline that will be written in accordance with the seventh book by J.K. Rowling. I hope you'll like it as much as "Becoming One" and I am really looking forward to meeting you very soon! Take care and stay safe! 🙂


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